So as I have talked about previously on this blog, I had a full hysterectomy in late December, leaving my ovaries.
For the first few weeks my hormones were all over the place. I wrote previously about the cat making me cry because he wouldn't leave me alone in the kitchen. Full on meltdown....
But those feelings faded and up until the last couple of weeks, I have been fine. Healing very well, no pain; getting on with life. But then, the hormones hit again.
It appears that perimenopause is knocking on my door. I have no other symptoms, no hot flashes etc. But the mood swings are a killer.
My first indication was a couple of weeks ago on a Sunday. I was sat on the couch watching tv when a sudden feeling of anxiety hit me and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. Then, sadness. Then, tears.
Another day, irritability, then rage. I was a storm cloud that could not settle and woe betide anyone who crossed my path.
My mood swings seem to go sadness, rage, sadness, rage. I have continued on this cycle every few days ever since.
I am grateful that I have done so much work on myself because it crosses off that there is something troubling me or making me feel this way. Those days are gone. But just because they are gone does not mean that I do not remember them. And therein lies the problem.
The anger, the rage I can deal with. But the sadness, the pain of it; that is hard to bear. Because it is for me, an all too familiar feeling.
I have experienced pain and sadness in my past to the point where I wanted to die. It is a feeling that I have never felt since that period of my time. It not something I dwell on or ever dip back into, but when you have been on the brink, when you have felt a pain that is all consuming, you never truly forget.
This is again why I am grateful that those days are behind me, because I know without a doubt that these feelings are hormones and nothing more. But the familiar feeling of such sadness is a dog whistle for me. It takes me right back to that time in my life. Where hope was only a dream and pain was my reality.
The feelings that I have from my hormonal swings are nowhere near how I used to feel. But there is a glimmer. There is a familiarity to it that I recognise instantly. Because whether it was 20 years ago or yesterday, you never forget that feeling.
It terrifies me.
But I am not the girl I once was. I was alone then. Lost. I did not seek help because I did not believe myself worthy of it. That is no longer me and the feelings are not real. The pain and the root of that pain has been purged.
So instead, I look for what I can do to combat. I have started taking evening primrose and star flower. I have been told that this helps a lot when your hormones go array. If they do not work, I will look at other options.
I mainly wrote this post today because I realised that there must be so many other women like me. Who have been to the brink and pulled themselves back. Who have experienced depression and thought it long gone, only for that old familiar feeling to come back, like a ghost from your past walking right in front of you.
I rely on my partner to remind me that these feelings are hormonal when the sadness hits. That I am not returning back to sadness, but am just moving into another stage of the physical life of my body and that this is temporary.
If anyone reading this has gone through, or is going through the same; I would love to hear from you.
