The 1950s Housewife Lie - Why Domestic Bliss was a Myth

One in six people are now thought to be on anti-depressants in the UK.  That equates to around 15% of the population.  Women in their 50 and 60s are the highest demographic.  This information is used by some as “proof” that women were happier when they were in the home and not working.  That those women would not be taking medication had their lives been “as they should have been”.

I have to say first and foremost that the comment "as they should have been" irritates me greatly.  As if women have nothing more to offer than being in the home.  Have no interests other than cleaning and childcare.  As if there is no point in them inspiring for more.  Wanting more.

Yet those unhappy with their lot were stuck.  Until 1964 an employer could refuse to hire you if you were a woman.  You could refuse to sell a home to a woman until 1974.  You could refuse to rent to a woman with children until 1988.  Society then was not designed for women to have independence, whether they wanted it or not. 

So what are the actual reasons behind the current statistics?

Firstly, as we know, men typically do not ask for help.  They do not talk about their problems, and that includes not talking to their GP and getting help.  Women do.  Women also attempt suicide in greater amounts than men, but tend to do so in a cry for help way, whereas men tend to go for the option that will be fatal.

So the numbers are already not accurate.  We do not know the number of men who need help but do not ask.

But let us look at the supposition that the women were happier when they were housewives.  This is something that cannot be quantified.  Because the times and choices available were completely different back then. 

But we do know this. 

Antidepressants were first introduced in the 1950s.  Let's look at some of the adverts, targeted solely at women I may add, from that time.

You can't set her free, but you can make her feel less anxious

Housework is simple ladies!  Take Ritalin!

The food machine can cook again when you take Morndine!

Figures show that 20 - 30% of women were taking anti-depressants in the 1950s and this continued in an upward motion through the decades.  Valium, well known as "Mother's Little Helper" was brought to the market in 1963 and sales went from 500,000 in 1965, rising to 29 million in 1970 and peaking at a staggering 88 million by 1988.  That is just figures from the US.

So many women obviously were not happy.  They were depressed.  There are of course women who wanted to be stay at home mothers and thrived on it, or were at least happy.  

The issue we have is that women in general want more in life than being attached to a vacuum cleaner with a child tied to the hip.  They wanted more than just their lives to be in the home 24/7 with zero breaks.  While their partners get free time and indeed, days off work, the women did not.  Their money was controlled, did not have a bank account or in some cases, access to money that was not given to them by their husbands.  While some wanted this life, many were stuck in that life.

The fact that in the same decade that anti-depressants were introduced, that 20-30% of women immediately needed them, says everything.

I think now of the film Mona Lisa Smile.  Particularly Julia Stiles' character, Joan.  She was brilliantly minded.  She got into Wellesley.  Was offered a place at Yale.  But she chose to become a stay at home mother.  I do not judge her for that.  That was her choice.  It is more the reactions and responses of her soon to be husband that I noted.    How could she go to Yale but have dinner on the table for 5.00pm?  He may have thought that she was intelligent, but it was inconsequential.  Her role was cleaning the home and cooking, then raising children.  Her intelligence was amusing and fun for him, but not taken seriously.

But I hear you say, women started working in greater numbers from the 1960s onwards.  That is the reason for the increase in anti-depressants!!

Sorry, but no again.  The fact that is that more women did start working.  But the amount that they had to do in home stayed the same.  This has continued, although decreased slightly, into present day.

There are numerous studies that show that women do a far greater amount in the home then their male partners.  A recent study shows that 67% of the women interviewed said that they did a far greater amount in the home compared to their partners.  

Is it any wonder that more and more women turned to anti-depressants.  They thought that by working, the split at home would be equal/more equal.  But this was not the case.  They gained bank accounts and access to money, but their time was still regarded as the families while the husband's time was not.

Some men see the 1950s as a golden time.  It is plain to see that for women, it was not.

Creating Space, For Yourself

 I don't think that the work that you do to improve yourself ever really ends.  Nor should it.  It is important to reevaluate, reassess and dig a little deeper.

I am in a place in my life now where I am the happiest I have ever been.  I have worked on myself a lot over the years, especially for the last two years and it really shows.  I have reached a freedom, a peace and a clarity of mind that I never knew that I could achieve.

When you sort out the big things. the smaller things that were not noticeable before, appear.  Old behaviours or reactions that worked well at one time in your life, but are not needed now.  Some of them are so unconscious that you don't even realise.

I feel so lucky that I am at a stage now where I can see these behaviours and can work towards changing them.  For example, I have mentioned in a previous post that I unconsciously wait for someone's reaction, before allowing my own, which affects and changes how I react.  Now I know that I do this, and more importantly, why I no longer need to act this way; I can change it.

One of the things that I have realised is that I have always made myself small.  My needs and wants have always been put second, last or not even at all.  Other people have always mattered more.  I have never put myself first.  Said what I wanted.  What I needed.    

I think that that is why that I have always enjoyed and offered to organise.  Because then I can slip in some of my wants and needs.  But in general, I have always put others before myself.

This stems from a lifelong need to be wanted.  To be loved.  I have burned for years, keeping others warm.

But now, I no longer need to.  Recognising this to be true was a step that I reached recently.  I am loved.  I am wanted.  I deserve to be bigger.  To branch out.  To say what I want.  Ask for what I want.  I can allow myself that now.

I realise now that I matter too.  I have always mattered.  And I deserve to exist in a space in this world.  

The road ahead of me is exciting.  Because I am making choices now for myself, not just acquiescing to others.  Not just assuming that my needs are automatically smaller or inconsequential.  

This is my time now and anything is possible.

Shall I tell you a secret? One day, I want to write a book.  For now, I am practicing with short stories.  Because, why not.  

Tuesdays with Morrie - My Thoughts

I recently read “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom.  It was a beautiful book which made me think about and reassess my life.  That is the sign of a good book.

It started me thinking about what we have in our lives, what we need and what we want.  Which are of those are necessary to our happiness and wellbeing; and which are not. 

It also made me think about the people in my life, those I love, those I like, those I don’t like.  The reasons for this.  About what relationships I want to cultivate and grow.  Those I need to give up on or forget.  Those I need to work on.

It made me think about what I have, that is actually important and means everything to me.

I have love.  That is the first and foremost.  Nothing will ever rival the moment that I first felt truly loved.  To be able to spend the rest of my life with the person that loves me most is a gift that cannot be measured. 

Love cannot be taken for granted.  It needs work, care, consideration and give and take.  Working on my love is something that is a lifelong goal and one I need to remember.  Not to take love for granted.

I have a home.  A real home that is mine.  A safe haven.   That is something that I always wanted, and now have.

There was a line in the book that really made me think. 

You have to be ready to die, in order to be ready to live.

What does that mean?  For me that means no regrets, no things I put off till “insert date”, no chances I should have taken but didn’t.  To have lived my life as best as I can, be as good a person as I can, be as happy and bring as much happiness as I can.  So, when that time comes, hopefully decades from now, I am at peace.

Morrie talked about not worrying about getting old.  That aging means learning, and the older you are, the more you know.   That is a good thing.  The more you have experienced, the more you have lived and enjoyed.

One thing that you could tell about Morrie was that he truly lived.  He experienced everything and let himself feel it all.  He let himself fully enjoy life and completely immersed himself into whatever he chose.  He listened.  He danced.  He cried, when he needed to.  He allowed himself all emotions and did not worry about what others thought of it.

He talked about it being important to recognize when a feeling such fear came upon him.  He gave himself an amount of time to experience that fear, let himself fully feel it, immerse himself in it; and then put it aside.  By doing this it enabled him to detach from the fear having let it have its time. 

This is such an important lesson to learn and one that many of us, myself included, do not allow ourselves.   Pain, fear, anxiety, worry; these are all emotions that I have run away from in the past.  Or experienced some of and then thrown into a box in my head and buried.  But buried things in your head can find their way out.  It isn’t healthy.

Tuesdays with Morrie taught me that I need to say yes more.  Say yes instantaneously.  Before doubt or worry or planning sets in.  Maybes rarely happen.  We have one life to live and it is our duty to live them to the fullest.

I can still feel the glow that I had after reading this book.  I recommend it wholeheartedly.