Swipe Left on Love: How Phones and the Death of Nightclubs Killed Dating

I honestly am coming to the conclusion that there are two realities.  There is the reality we walk around in and see with our own eyes; and there is the reality that we seen and read about online.  Often the two seems to be at odds with one another.

Dating for example.  There are a lot of problems with dating these days.  This is going to be a two part post and I will link that post when uploaded.  

For this post, instead of talking about the usual issues (dating apps etc), I want to bring up another reason why dating is so much harder now.  You simply cannot meet people like you used to.  

I come from a regular size town.  Growing up and through my 20s and 30s the nightlife scene was amazing.  The local pubs for example.  There were three options within walking distance of my home, always guaranteed to have people in them and not just a couple of retired old men having a pint.  

I spent many a Saturday afternoon in one of the local pubs playing pool (badly) and having a flirt.  Or on a Sunday, otherwise known as "hungover, need McDonalds then pool at the pub" in town.  There were always people there to have a laugh and a flirt with.  These were regular haunts that people went to and relationships were formed as a result.

I may sound 104 when I say this, but having no mobile phone also made a difference in that.  No social media to check, no selfies.  No checking text messages, Whatapp, emails.  You were present.  Fully present, not looking at your phone every five minutes.  Even now (and unfortunately I am guilty of doing this myself) I am turned off when I am having a conversation with someone and they keep checking their phone.

Then you had the bar and nightclub scene.  You could go out on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday if you wanted.  You did not have to drink, although most did to be fair.  I still remember the route that we used to take.

You got off the bus at 8.00pm and hit the bars (fake names used for anonymity).  Firstly, The Side Bar.  From there, Yates, The Duck & Cover, The McMillan.  Then Pink Paradise, BBs.  By 11 - 11.30 ish you were heading to one of the five nightclubs available.  Remember, this was just a regular small town.  Five nightclubs to choose from, with a line that could take 30 minutes to get to the front of unless you knew a bouncer.

This was also a time when you could do all of it, plus a takeaway pizza and a cab home for £25.

There was so much choice in where to go.  And with that choice, so many people to meet.  Two of my good friends met their husbands in one of those night clubs.  That was the thing.  You met people.  You enjoyed yourself.  You chatted, you danced.  You were not attached to your phone.  You lived.  You were home by 2.00am.

I remember once saying to my best friend while we played pool on a Sunday "God I am glad that there is no evidence of last night".  By that by the way, I meant drunken dancing, a snog with someone that I regretted, or telling a boy that I thought that he was cute when sober, I would not have dared.

Now, it is different.  Our lives are recorded and put online.  Photographs, selfies, videos.  "Funny" stories told about your friend who did x, y or z.  There is no escape.  And more, instead of losing yourself on the dance floor for two hours dancing, now the idea of fun seems to be posing and posturing for young men and young girls with a bottle of prosecco and ten thousand selfies.

The art of conversation has died.  Banter has died.  No one knows how to flirt properly any more. 
Now, my town is dead.  There are still bars, one nightclub.  But due to the licensing laws changing, no one goes out until midnight anymore.  When they do go out, they stay in their own circles.  Selfies, group photos.  Posing. 

Or worse.  I went to a party recently for a 25th birthday and all the attendees went home at midnight.  Not even to a house party.  Home.  At midnight.  They didn't even seem to be having fun.  Girls, looking identical with their contouring and perfect outfits, but sitting their taking pictures of themselves.  Only when they got drunk did they dance, for the last hour.  Then home.  Home?

Bring back the nightclubs.   Change the licensing laws that close the clubs by 2.00am.  Stop taking your mobile phone out on a night out.  Talk to men. Talk to women.  

Live.  Have fun.  We have stopped living, except for the 'Gram.

Butter, Bodies & Backlash - When Indulgence Breaks The Rules

 I have just finished reading a book called “Butter” by Japanese writer Asako Yuzuki.

 The central character is a female Japanese journalist, Rika, who is attempting to interview a woman, Manako, who is currently awaiting a retrial for the murder of several men.  She needs to find an “in” with this woman where all other journalists have failed.  In doing so, she ends up discovering so much more about herself.

Manako is a cook who is accused of murdering several of her previous boyfriends.  The authorities allege that she seduced these men with her food to lure them into being her boyfriend, before killing them in various different manners.   

One of the themes running through this book is that the lady is fat and as such, she is far from the accepted norm to be able to get a boyfriend in Japanese society.  What seems to fascinate the Japanese press and the public in this book is not so much the why/if she killed them, but how she got them to be with her in the first place.

The crimes committed in this book are not the main focus.  Neither is whether Manako is guilty, or not.  Indeed, they are a side note to it.

Food is the language of this book.  The writer talks about simple ingredients, such as butter, as being filled with meaning. Meals are not just to fill you up or for fuel; they are expressions of the way that you enjoy food, indulge in it, give yourself permission to have it.  The way that it makes you feel.  The control, the intimacy, and the rebellion of simply eating.

"When I'm eating good butter, I feel somehow as though I were falling"

As Rika delves further deeper into her interviews with Manako, her relationship with food changes and soon after, the way that she understands herself. When she starts to think about, truly take the time to enjoy the food and the start to cook herself, she feels at first liberated and then strangely, like every mouthful is an act of confrontation.  Yes, I am allowing myself to eat this thing.  And? 

It is a taking back of power that she did not realise she had lost.

It did make me think about the relationship we have with food and drink.  Simple pleasures, or big indulgences.  Taking the time to enjoy them.  Be in the moment.  Whether it is a icy cold glass of water that tastes like it has come from a mountain pass, or a piece of chocolate so divine that you do not want it to end.  Yet, instead of letting it sit on our tongue and luxuriating in it, we swallow and then feel guilty for eating it.  We do not pause to truly enjoy enough.

Butter focuses sharply on the societal expectations placed on women. Beauty, appearance, ambition, motherhood, each one is scrutinized and judged.  Manako is not the norm in Japanese society.  She enjoys herself, enjoys food, enjoys sex and pleasure and makes no apologies for it.  She does not conform and finds the idea repulsive.  This makes her fascinating, not just to Rika, but to Japanese society.  Learning more about Manako forces Rika to look at her own life and how those same expectations have shaped her, unseen and unknowing.

What I found interesting about the book was the accurate description of how much we unconsciously change ourselves to fit with the “norm”.  The accepted.  We are given goals based on societal expectations.  Goals that may not align with who we are and what we want.

The book looks at the female journalists on Rika’s newspaper who go on to have families.  Society expects them to juggle a career and be the perfect mothers.  They are judged heavily for both.  One who was blamed for the death of her son, because he went out to buy a meal at the shop instead of her being there to serve him.  You can have it all, but you will be condemned if you do not do both perfectly.

Then there was the male journalist who gave up his love of a band, because his favourite singer gained weight and therefore became unacceptable in society’s eyes.  It was no longer cool or acceptable to like her.  So he hid it despite his love for the band.

The idea that unless you confirm to societal expectations, you are a failure.  When Rika gained weight herself as a result of her cooking experiments it was shocking to those around her.  Because she had fallen out of her box and they no longer knew where to put her.

By the end of the book, Rika has managed to throw off the restraints of society and for the first time, in years, decades even, she is living for herself.  Rebellion is attractive.  Instead of her world becoming smaller, she bring more people into it, whilst throwing off the chains of expectation.  It is a beautiful thing,

There are many other things in this book that I have not talked about there, otherwise there would be no point in you reading it.  The story of Manako.  The story of Rika's best friend.

I recommend a read.