I think “My Way” may be the song
that will forever describe my life. I
don’t do anything the way you are supposed to do it. Things sometimes would be much easier if I
did.
When I decide I want to do
something, my tendency is to go with the snap decision. There has been so many this year. From stopping smoking without any aids or assistance,
to deciding to start a degree and practically applying on the spot.
My pet project this year appears to be working on myself. This wasn’t intentional. It’s just worked out that way. I’ve done the quitting smoking, I’m broadening my horizons by starting the degree, now it’s time for the hardest one of all however, confidence.
Confidence is a strange creature. When you don’t have any at all, you don’t really realise it. Either that or you are in denial. But when you gain confidence in certain areas of your life, the areas that don’t have it are suddenly blatantly obvious.
I have found my voice over the
past couple of years. I was, for some
unknown reason, unable to give my opinion before and was always the quiet one
in the conversation. Whilst I am still
shy when you meet me, I’m not afraid to have an opinion now and say what I
think, controversial or no. I have being
on Twitter to thank for that and also this blog, as being the vehicle that
helped me find my voice.
I have a theory. I think confidence is catching. Because the part of me that is now confident in what I think is now looking over at the other part, the part that has no self confidence at all, and it’s laughing at me.
Some of the things I do and have
done over the years as a result of my lack of confidence I am now slowly
finding absolutely hilarious. Also a bit
sad. There are a top two of stupid things
that my “You’re not good enough” feeling has caused me to do.
Idiot thing number one –
multiple times offender
Consciously moving away from a
date if we are out in a public place and his friends approach us. Thought process: I don’t want him to be embarrassed.
Idiot thing number two – every
bloody day
Seeing a group of people, men,
women, teenagers, whatever and moving to the other side of the road.
Thought process: please don’t
laugh at me
The confident part of me has
highlighted these traits to me. I
honestly didn’t realise I was doing them before and I now I do realise, I will
admit, I am bat shit crazy. Reading what I have just written confirms it.
Why in the world have I spent 33
years of my life thinking I’m not good enough?
Sure, I’ll never be as beautiful as Keira Knightley and I’ll never be
skinny, but I’m not the hunchback of Notre Dame either.
Looks out that looking inward at
yourself isn’t a bad thing. You may
discover that you are (in my case) bloody mad, but you may also discover that
you are not as bad as you think you are.
So the achievement list this year reads:
1. Stopped smoking.
2. Started
a degree.
3. Realised
I’m not an ogre.
4. Realised
I’m off my rocker ;)
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