Waiting for the Cast to Set

I think that it was Joan Didion that said “I write to find out what I think”.  That is something that applies to me.  I have learnt so much of what I really think by just typing away, letting my fingers do the talking and seeing what comes out.

I’ve just realised that sentence could be completely misconstrued as something dirty.  But you know what I meant.  Carrying on!

What I learned today is that whilst you find out what you think when you write, when you read you are sometimes forced to face up to things that you already know.  I read the fabulous @archedeyebrow post today On the Flipside and I have to admit that it broke me a little bit.

One thing that resonated with me completely was the line “If you’ve grown up fat, you’ve grown up knowing no one will ever want you”.

Whilst I have made leaps and bounds in my confidence in so many ways, when it comes to the opposite sex and relationships, I’m still the girl that wants to hide away.  The invisible “F off” that I wrote about in The Sign on Your Head is still a part of me. 

Because I’ve been working so hard on confidence in my personality and confidence in what I wear, that part I’ve allowed to just fester in the shadows. 

I think the thing that exasperates me the most is that at heart, I know the way I feel is my own fault.  The reason I have been single over the years, apart from the fact that I live in a small town, is that invisible “Get lost” on my forehead. 

My presumption that no one will be interested, or if they were, wouldn’t want to admit it in public has taken over years of my life and has stopped any potential relationships, except toxic ones.  It has to stop.  I don’t want to feel like that anymore.  But it’s me that has to make the change.  I’m just afraid.

Now the issue has been highlighted once again, I can try to start to change the way I think.  What helps is that by reading other people’s experiences I know that I am not on my own and it isn’t just me that thinks this way.

It is up to ourselves to mould and shape the person that we want to be and for some of us, it just takes a little longer for the cast to set.