My Ellie

You arrived at our home at three months old, a tiny ball of black fluff.  So small you would have fit in a pint glass.  My first memory of you is being on the phone to mum while she brought you home for the first time, telling me all about you and then saying "The little bugger just nipped me!".

You had never nipped anyone before or since, but knowing your personality as I do now, I think that it was you saying "I may be tiny, but I am the boss now!" and you really were.  We belonged to you, not the other way around.  We used to joke that you were the queen and we were your minions.  Just as you deserved.

Your favourite places were rugs.  You used to roll all over each one of them in the house, your legs flailing in the air like a little horse.  I still walk into a room and expect to see you rolling around the floor like a lunatic.

You didn't like to go for a walk, often hiding behind my legs or looking up at me with those big beautiful eyes which practically said "Mummy, don't make me".  You won the battle most of the time because who could resist you?  Certainly not me.  You loved to run for a ball however, your dancing around for it earned you one of your first nicknames, Dancing Dora.

I have had and have known many dogs in my life.  None like you. I have loved every dog and pet we have had over the years, but none took hold of my heart like you did.  You decided that love was not enough, it was adoration that you wanted; and it is what you received.  It had been a very long time since I gave someone my whole heart, but you had all of it.

You had more personality than any dog I have ever known.  You had a truly unique character and really could do everything to communicate except actually speak.

I have so many memories of you.  The way that you always have a part of you touching mum when you slept, either on the back of her chair or on the bed.  The way when you slept on the floor you slept near her slippers.

Your expression of indignation when you would see Rosie on my bed.  The way you kept moving down the hall, sitting down every few steps with an incensed glare at me and Rosie.  You practically shouted "Oi!  That's my mummy!  She is mine!".

The way you would come to my door at night.  I would open the door and then  have to follow you, with you looking back to make sure I was complying as you went to the front door or to the sitting room, because you wanted to play on the rug with me.  I cannot count how many hugs and kisses I gave you on that rug over the years.  Millions.

You used to love being sung to.  So many times I would pick you up in my arms, you would position yourself so that you were perfectly comfortable, using me like an chair arm.  I would sing to you the song that mum used to sing to me when I was a little girl "You are my sunshine".  You were.

Your name was Ellie, but to me, you were Sausage Monkey.  I am not really sure how the name came about, maybe because your body was like a little sausage and you were a monkey.  But I called you Sausage Monkey more than than I called you Ellie.  You answered to either.

You gave us such much joy, love, fun and laughter every single day and we both loved you so very very much.

When you became ill, you were so strong and a little fighter.  Your spirit radiated out of you.

For such a small dog, you have left such a massive hole in our lives and in our hearts.  A piece of mine went with you, my little girl.  You will be missed every day and you will never be replaced. A dog as unique and wonderful as you never could be.

I cannot say goodbye.  The words will not come.  Instead I will say what I always used to say to you at night.

Night night sausa monkey, momma loves you.

The Goggle Box

After seven years of faithful service, my bedroom television has finally given up on me.  The DVD player no longer works and the picture was terrible (bought before HD so not great to begin with) and so the quest is on to find some new bedroom tech.

Times have evolved greatly in terms of what you can purchase, particularly in terms of size and picture quality.  The typical 19 inch cube like televisions have moved on to larger flat screen versions and the picture quality has improved by leaps and bounds.  From ordinary SDTV we have moved to to HDTV and now, the latest innovation is 4KTV with the likes of the Panasonic Viera range.

Photo Credit

When buying a new television, it is always useful to read to the latest tech blogs and check out the best TVs that you can buy within your budget range.  There are so many different types of television that you can buy, dependent on what you are looking for and the services you want it to provide.

When it comes to buying a television for a bedroom, often, you want it to be a multi tasker.  Are you a gamer?  Are you a Netflix addict?  Will you use it in collaboration with your laptop?  Do you want to connect to the internet?

All of these options can be catered for and given that the price of technology has come down in recent years, the cost of what you want is not going to burden your purse too heavily.

For me, I am a film buff.  I love watching films, either through my Freeview or on DVD.  Netflix will be my next port of call, I can no longer resist its calling.  With this is mind I have gone for a larger television, 32 inches which is the largest that I can have within my space capacities.

HD is a must given the amount of films that I watch and I can only imagine how great some of my old favourites are going to look like on a much larger screen with much better resolution.  Avatar, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, the Fast & the Furious series; all will be getting a dusting off and a marathon film weekend will be happening soon!

The Funny Fat Friend

I saw a meme tonight.  When you go on the internet you see many.  Some hilarious, some make you want to beat your head repeatedly against a wall.  This was one of them.

There is a perception in society that says that if you are fat, you must compensate for it.  Whether this is dressing always in black, being on a permanent diet and hating yourself or being the kind of fat person that is the "good fat" aka hating on other fat people, the "yes I am fat but you can like me because I insult other fat people, we are horrendous I agree with you" type.

There is another "good" type of fat person.  The funny fat friend. We see it in films all the time.  Fat people playing a role, aimed at us being more "acceptable".  I have fallen into this role before.  Over compensating for my size by trying to be funny.  Trying to detract from what I look like.

You cannot hurt me if you think I am funny.  You do not need to see me as a woman, a sexual being if you can put a label on me and put me in that box.

SCREW THAT.  I am not a label.  I am not just one thing.  I do not need to "compensate" for what I look like.

This is something that has been rumbling in my head for a while now.  The people that expect fat people to be funny.  To compensate.  That people that say "Oh I bet you are funny" when trying to picture me in a friend group.

Sometimes I am funny.  Sometimes I am a bitch.  Sometimes I am quiet.  Sometimes I am fun.  I am not here on this planet to play a part or a role for someone.  I am myself and if you don't like me, that is fine.  If you don't find me attractive, that is also fine.  But I am not here for your fucking entertainment.

I am tired of the perception that if you are fat, you must compensate others.  Trade off what you look like by offering something up, like humour by way of a payment for them having to look at you.

I am enough,  You are enough, We are all enough.  Fat, funny or a fucking bitch.  We deserve to be taken for who we are.  Not treated differently or have expectations put on us because of the size of our stomach is something that you have to blank out and find something else about us to talk about.

You are enough.  Do not like ANYBODY tell you different. 

The Lazy Girl's Guide to Eyebrows

Eyebrows.  Ten years ago (the first time I was ever convinced to wax my eyebrows), I did not see what the fuss was about.  As long as you did not have a monobrow, the thought of colouring them in, shaping them and making them a part of my make up routine did not even occur to me.

Ten years now and eyebrows are a big business.  We wax them, we tweeze them; they are kept in place with gels and drawn over with pens and liquids.  Some of us even shave them off, to be replaced with a tattoo version (don't try that at home kids, remember, your face wrinkles as you age, so will the tattoo).

You can, and many people do spend a fortune maintaining their eyebrows and keeping up to date with the latest brushes, gels and products.  As for me, although I now love a well filled in eyebrow, I prefer to do the same on a budget; and without much time or effort involved.

While I like my eyebrows to be groomed, I still want a natural look and not tweezed within an inch of their life.  To maintain a natural line I use the Tweezerman Slant Tweezer

Here I am, sans makeup, ready to put my makeup on to start my day.  It is first thing in the morning so please excuse grumpy face.

I never put anything on my face in the right order (does anyone even know what this is?) but I always start with the eyebrows.  I use a slanted makeup brush which I bought from Superdrug (similar found here) and a £1 eyeshadow from MUA, which I find stays in place all day.

I simply fill in the eyebrows in, following the line and then I extend the eyebrow out another half inch with a thin line, which I find looks better on me as I have quite stumpy eyebrows otherwise.

I never have too much time in the morning, I prefer to sleep, but eyeliner is my master and I must obey its rule.

Finally, here I am to start my day.  My makeup usually takes 5-10 minutes to do, the majority of time on that being eyeliner.

Eyeshadow (for eyebrows) - MUA  £1.00
Eyeliner - Loreal Super Liner £6.99
Mascara - Clinique High Impact £17.50
Foundation: Rimmel Lasting Finish £6.00
Blusher - MUA £1.00
Strawberry lip balm - gift

Embracing You

I saw a quote by Hugh Laurie this week that really struck a chord with me.

That is what I think about confidence.  If I had a pound for every time during my life that I have thought "When I am older, I'll be confident then" or "Maybe I would be confident if I were to change x, y and z about myself" then I would probably be a billionaire today.

NO.  Strive for confidence now.  DO NOT WAIT.

You can your whole life thinking "If only I was thinner, taller; prettier, then I will be happy", or, alternatively, you can live your life and be happy.  But how?

How do you suddenly become confident?  Well the answer is, at least it was for me, is that confidence is not an instant thing.  It takes work.  It is a journey.  You are constantly learning.  You will have off days.  But they are just bumps in a very long road that has your happiness at the end of it.

The trick for me, was to start small.  What do you think will improve your confidence?  Do you love fashion?  Start with that.  Do you love makeup? Play around.  For me, in a wardrobe full of black, it started with colourful shoes.

Next, the wardrobe.  I knew I loved colour and pattern, but going there was a long journey.  But one day....

This next photo took so much confidence, you can see the trepidation on my face.  The fear.  But I did it.  Which led me to, a couple of months ago wandering round a spa in this swimsuit without a care in the world.

 One thing that really helped me with my confidence was to do a photo shoot.  This was arranged by the utterly fabulous Pamper & Curves.  Betty Pamper was running a vintage style photoshoot and I jumped at the chance.  You can see the pictures from the shoot in the link above, but this is a selfie I took between shots.  I felt beautiful.  It was a cornerstone of finding my confidence.

But it isn't just about makeup and clothes.  Who are you?  Who is that person that you have been hiding beneath your under confident self?  Who is the person that your friends have seen glimpses of and know is there, even if you don't.

Use your voice.  Think about what drives you, what you are passionate about and start speaking out.  Be present.  You are allowed to have an opinion if you want it.  

It took a long time for me to realise that the size of my body and the way I looked did not mean that I was not entitled to speak my mind.  I realised that being fat was only a very small part of who I was.  I began to embrace the outside, love it, but also, let the real me out.  The one talking to you now.

I have seen and spoken to people who are much older in years than I who never found their confidence.  They waited for that lightening bolt that never happened.  Because you have to make it happen.

They say that a journey starts with a single step.  I say that it starts with the second step.  The first step is the want.  The second step is the drive to move forward.

Where will your journey take you?  Take that first and second step.  It is worth it.  It is beyond worth it.