Lessons Learned

 I’ve been learning a lot recently.  Both about who I am, why I am the way I am and also the root causes of that.  As always when you are on a journey like this, there are ups and downs.  Happy surprises and also, disappointments.

One of the lessons that I am learning is that there is no perfect person, and everyone has had something in their life that can carry on to the next generation, or can be taken out on the next generation; if you let it.

When someone hurts you, or wants to hurt you, there is often a reason behind that, that has nothing to do with you.  They are choosing to take it out on you, you are the target and the focus of their actions; but the root cause lies elsewhere.

Sometimes, certainly on the journey that I am on, understanding the root cause of the other person’s pain, can help to heal your own.

You may not ever forgive them, but you don’t always have to forgive.  You may not ever forget.  But, you can understand where they came from and what formed their behaviour.  And you can choose not to make their mistakes.

This can apply to many people, in all aspects of your life.

The lessons that are the hardest to learn are those when the person hurting you or hurt you in the past is a loved one or someone you know well.  Because a loved one is the person that you turn to.  They should not be the one that has caused you harm.

When this happens, you think to yourself over and over “What did I do wrong?  Why do they treat me this way?”  “Why don’t they love me?”  The answer that you seek however is often not the most obvious one.

I spent years analysing and trying to move on from the pain that was caused to me.  But I was only dealing with the effect of those words and actions against me.  Not the cause.  Because I did not know the cause.  The root of the issue, that had nothing to do with me.

I reached a point where the actions no longer hurt me, but I finally wanted answers.  I wanted to know why.  I was ready to face it.  I had reached, finally, the stage of anger.  Anger is not usually a good emotion, but in my case, it forced me to re-examine everything and the person that I was angry at.

What I realised was that their actions, however hurtful, however horrible, did have a root cause.  An explanation as to why they were the way they were.

I won’t talk further here as I do not want to go into my history.  But learning to understand them, what experiences they had had that made them the way they were, put everything together like a jigsaw puzzle.

I learned to understand that forgiveness is not possible sometimes because forgiveness is not always deserved.  But understanding the why, was the key to healing.  The key to moving on.  

Furthermore, in understanding them and their actions more clearly, this gave me an understanding as to myself.  My own reactions to their actions.  The way I had set up my life as a result.

What I realised is that I do not need to do that anymore.  I understand now.  I can move on, lead my life and be who I really am.  Also, I can build a better relationship with them.  Because now I see some of myself in them, but I am not destined to repeat history.  I have chosen not to.  I am like them. But I am not them.

I can finally be, myself.

The Decrease of Women Wanting Children

 I saw a video recently in which a man proposed that more and more women wanted to have children, but were forced or felt like they had to get an education, get a job/career and prioritise that over having a family.

I talked recently about whether modern man were struggling to live with and have a relationship with the modern, empowered women.  What I said in that post I believe ties in to this question.

Is there is decrease in the amount of women who want children?  If you look at statistics, that answer would indicate yes.   But, statistics do not show context. 

Up until the last few decades, the question of whether you were going to have a husband and a child  was not so much of a choice, but an expectation.  Regardless of whether you worked on or, this was a presumption.

How many women went into marriage or a relationship actually wanting children and how many just did it because that was the norm?

Traditionally, women who chose not to have a husband and a family were ridiculed.  They were called old maids or spinsters.  “Left on the shelf” is certainly a phrase that I heard, even well into the 2000s.  In some places, this way of thinking is still in place.

An unmarried man has always been called a bachelor, a woman earns the title of spinster when she reaches an age where society believes that she should have married and had children, but didn’t.  She is then an old maid.  Left on the shelf.  As if she were an item to be bought in a shop.

The ability to use contraception solved problems for many women who did not want a child and wanted to prevent from doing so/were unable to care for another child etc.  But even when contraception was brought in, there was still the expectation that a woman would want to have a child.  That it was the female default setting.  That simply is not the case for all women.

So the question of has been a decrease in the number of women who want children is both yes, and no.  Because until the past few decades, the women who didn’t want children, who didn’t see themselves as being a mother; ended up being a mother anyway.

Let us not forget also the number of women who are on the fence about having children.  That they would be happy if it happened, happy if it didn’t.  Or those who want children, but want to do so once they have accomplished other things in their life first.  Education, career etc.

It is the women in the above two categories who are also affecting the statistics of the number of women who want children.  More so (I believe) than the women who know from an early age that they do not want to conceive.

As I talked about in my previous post, women have so many more options now than a simple goal or expectation of being a wife and mother.  Many women still want this, but they want (and are entitled to) a standard that was not afforded to women before them.

Some want an established career before they become a mother.  Others may want a child/are on the fence; but are wary.  I do not believe that this is because women are worried that they cannot care for a child, it is more because they are worried about losing themselves in the role.  Worried that their participation in the child’s upbringing and the house chores/cooking etc levels will be far in excess of their partner.

This is not an unreasonable expectation.

I am in the camp of “never wanted to have a child”.   Thankfully because of contraception, I do not have one.

But for those that do or those that are undecided, they are right to have those reservations.  They do not want to fall into roles of being the primary parent and primary person to take of and run the household, whilst also working.  

They do not want to become stay at home mothers, only for them to be the sole person taking care of the child/household when their partner’s only contribution is working and take out the bins once a week with zero evening/weekend participation.

They also do not want to have a child with someone, only for that person to change their mind or decide to leave the relationship, leaving sole care of the child to the woman, some of whom then struggle to get child support from the father.   

They do not want to become single mothers, a person who has always, and still is, looked down on in society.   Single mothers have always been named called.  From whores to scroungers.  Despite, as we know, it taking two people to make a baby.

These worries are real and valid.  Not all men by any means are going to be the kind of man that women need to worry about in situations such as above.  Many will participate fully in the home and upbringing of their children.  The majority will not disappear from their children's lives.

But there are enough men that do not meet these basic expectations, basic levels of what you can expect from a partner to worry women.  

Women who have worked for and have been given the advantages fought for by women generations before them, lives of their own.  Rights of their own.  An identity outside of simply being a wife and mother.

In short, we do not want to go back.

So yes, birth rates and the number of women wanting to/having children are decreasing.  Because until we get to a place in society where an equality of participation is the norm, birth rates will decrease, and divorce rates will increase.

We can do better and we have the tools to be able to do so.  Men and women.  All of us. 

The Modern Relationship

 

I saw a quote the other day:

“The past few decades have taught women to empower themselves, but have not taught men how to live with those empowered women”

This made a lot of sense to me.  

Over the past one hundred years, women’s rights have improved in many ways.  As a result, our way of thinking, what we believe that we can achieve and what we are prepared to put up with, has changed.

We now have our own bank accounts, can own property, can vote, have rights to our own bodies (excluding the US in that one for obvious reasons) and have our own money.   We can have careers in fields we choose, we can have a life outside of the home; we can be stay at home mothers (but only if we wish to be).  We no longer need rely on a man for our existence through life.  We can fund ourselves.  Educate ourselves.  Be a whole person outside of the "wife and mother".

In short, we now have the freedom to choose, for ourselves, what kind of life we want.

This is not a “but what about the men post”.  But it is worth pointing out that whilst women have moved forward, evolved; (some) men have not.

Some of these men still see women as the mother, the person who takes care of the chores.  The person in charge of the home.   They see the 1950s as “the perfect time in history”.

What these men fail to realise that women have always worked.  Whether it be in factories, as nurses, secretaries, teachers, cooks etc.   However.  In addition to these jobs, women were also expected to fully take care of the home and take care of the children.  They were in fact doing two jobs.  The “second shift”.  Their weekends were not time off work, they spent them taking care of the home and the children while their partners, well, didn’t.

This “perfect” time of the 1950s was when the stay at home mother was a prevalent thing.  But was it perfect for women?  Some.  Of course.  But was it a life that many wanted?  No money of their own, no freedoms and a life that was 24/7.  They were always on call.

But was this “perfect time” even accurate?  Because studies show us that around 45% of working age women were in fact working in the UK.   In the US, that figure was around 32%, or 18.4 million women.  Not a small amount.

The men that see this as a perfect time in history do so because they see women as lesser than themselves.  They want a bang maid who they can control through money and power.  I do find it amusing however that many of these men who claim they want a “traditional woman” now also expect them to pay their own way, pay half the bills.  They want it all.

But let us put aside the misogynists.  We know of them.  But they do not make up all men.

Countless studies, as well as what we hear from women day to day, is that the split of work/home/chores/children is in no way balanced.  Despite women also doing a full time job, they are also doing the majority of household cleaning, cooking and childcare.  This includes being the default parent when it comes to the child falling ill and a parent needing to take time off to be with them.

Women now contribute financially to the home.  They have their own money.  They are no longer the default homemakers.  What they want, what they deserve; is an equal or percentage based contribution to the home.    

No home life is ever going to be perfectly 50/50.  Life does not work that way.  But if you both work the same kind of hours, you should be splitting cleaning, cooking, children equally.  Obviously if one parent is working more hours, you adjust accordingly.

But why have things not changed?  Why are women still doing more?

I would say that the first men to realise that there had been a change were millennial men.  But even then, I see husbands who think that changing the odd nappy, mowing the lawn in summer and taking out the rubbish every week is equal.  Is fair.  Yet these men seem to want recognition for doing what is the bare minimum.

Worse, some of them do a household chore with the expectation of getting something in return.  Like they are doing their partners a favour.

It seems to me that there is something innate in men, in their makeup, that sees women as the homemakers and men as the providers.  Regardless of how times have changed.  Because if you follow the trend that millennial men started to realise that they needed to contribute more than simply working, coming home and putting their feet up, then each generation of men should be doing more.  But that isn’t the case.

I used to work with a girl who thought that she had the perfect boyfriend (she is 25 and so they are Gen Z).  His mother had raised him to contribute to the chores in the home so she presumed that he would contribute to their own home equally.  But that was not the case.

After contributing well enough initially, things then started to go downhill.  He started to do less and less, even to the extent that he was leaving his clothes on the floor and his plates left on tables for her to clean up.  She could not understand why, having been raised how he was.

It is a story that I have read 100s of times, from women who are Gen X, right through to Gen Z.  Women are still doing more/the majority of chores, cooking and childcare, despite having full time jobs.  There is nothing less attractive than having to take care of a man like he is a child/one of your children.

Some of these women either face an outright refusal to do more, weaponised incompetence by doing a chore/simply task so badly that you will never ask again or them stating that they are happy to live in filth.

Not all men are like this.  Stay at home dads are a thing and more men are doing their fair share.  So it is possible.

But with so many men not contributing equally, this is turning women away from relationships and can also be a reason for divorce.  A woman does not want to have sex with a man who cannot fill out a form or make an appointment without his partner’s help and who cannot understand how a washing machine works.  She is not attracted to a man who thinks that doing the washing means putting the clothes in the washing machine and calling the job done or who cannot make himself a meal if she is not there to hand hold his every step.

I think that applied weaponised incompetence is worse than the excuse of “I don’t notice what needs to be done” or an outright refusal to contribute.  Because at least you know where you stand.  An outright expectation that you will do more because you are a woman.  You know where you stand.  How you choose to move forward with that is another thing.

When weaponised incompetence is applied, this is pure manipulation.  The dishes that don’t get put away because “I don’t know where they go”.  The laundry that gets ruined because “I didn’t know what setting”.  The children who don’t get fed breakfast because “I don’t know what they eat”.  These men know exactly what they are doing.  Manipulation until you give up and do the job yourself.

Another thing that I see some men say is that “I wasn’t taught how to do x, y and z and you do it better.  You were taught”.

Frankly, this is bullshit.  I was not raised to do much in the way of chores, laundry or cooking.  I taught myself when I moved out.  In an age where Google and Youtube is at your fingertips, anything can be learned.  I myself used Google, Youtube and TikTok (yes, Tiktok!) to teach myself how to cook.

In my own relationship, we work on percentages.  We do the things we like more and if we both don’t like a task, we split it equally.  I do not feel taken advantage of.    When I get home from work, I do not have to clean up from his day and when I come home to a job done that I was expecting to do, it is wonderful.

I heard someone say once that while women want a relationship, men need a relationship.  I believe this to be true.

Because we can look after ourselves financially.  We can entertain ourselves.  Our homes are cleaner when men who (not all…) do not contribute and make a mess, are not there.  If the woman feels like she is having to be the mother of her partner, she no longer has to stay because she has no means of supporting herself.

So back to my original quote about men having not learned to live with empowered women.  This appears to be true.  Because the reality is, the men that do not contribute, no longer get relationships or marriage.  They often find themselves divorced.

But the fact of the matter is that men do not need to learn how to live with empowered women.  What they need to do is move away from thinking that the women’s sole purpose is to be the homemaker.  The mother.  The house manager.  Their second mother.

They can do it, and do when they have to.  When no women is around men are able to feed and clothe themselves and look after children if they become a single father or share joint custody.  Because they have to.

So the answer, simply, maybe is to think of a woman like they do a man.  Their equal, not their lesser and not their home help.