*Long read
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So here it is. The last day of my thirties. Tomorrow, I will be 40 years old.
40 doesn't sound like something that should apply to me. It so old. Middle aged. Oh Jesus.....
40 sounds like a person who knows what they are doing, more adult than I sometimes feel. When a problem arises I still sometimes look around the room for an adult. Someone more adult than I. So, not like I have a choice in the matter, I am ready to be 40?
Yes, I think that I am.
The past two decades have not been easy, especially between my mid twenties and early thirties. I had no confidence, I lived in a sea of black clothing and had little self worth. I went in and out of depression and anxiety and sometimes, felt so sad that I wondered what the point of it all was.
Feelings of happiness, passion and hope seemed to be watered down and only on the occasional day did glimpses of them appear. An emotional blunting or dulling of effect.
Certain people blazed a trail through my life like a shooting star. All bright and beautiful till it crashes and burns. Others disappointed me and abused my trust more than words can say.
That isn't to say that I did not also have fun over those years. I had lots. But I knew that I was not the person that I was supposed to be. I was masked. A fog covered me.
But then. I started to write. I found Twitter and found a voice that I never knew that I had. A voice that was hidden on the internet so I was free to say what I wanted. But I was still shy. Still scared.
Then I started to blog. I found plus size bloggers and found a world of colour and confidence that exploded my mind. Fat women, like me, who wore colour and pattern. They were self assured, knew who they were; they had confidence and sass. Everything that I wanted. I vowed to change.
This review was my first outing as a plus size blogger. I cannot tell you how many photographs were taken and discarded. How times I wrote the post and published, only to delete, rewrite, edit and publish again.
My confidence grew. I grew to love pattern and found my confidence.
I did a photo shoot (cue moody pout). I modeled (Can you see the smile? That was happiness right there.) Still not sure about that jumper though haha
40 doesn't sound like something that should apply to me. It so old. Middle aged. Oh Jesus.....
40 sounds like a person who knows what they are doing, more adult than I sometimes feel. When a problem arises I still sometimes look around the room for an adult. Someone more adult than I. So, not like I have a choice in the matter, I am ready to be 40?
Yes, I think that I am.
The past two decades have not been easy, especially between my mid twenties and early thirties. I had no confidence, I lived in a sea of black clothing and had little self worth. I went in and out of depression and anxiety and sometimes, felt so sad that I wondered what the point of it all was.
Feelings of happiness, passion and hope seemed to be watered down and only on the occasional day did glimpses of them appear. An emotional blunting or dulling of effect.
Certain people blazed a trail through my life like a shooting star. All bright and beautiful till it crashes and burns. Others disappointed me and abused my trust more than words can say.
That isn't to say that I did not also have fun over those years. I had lots. But I knew that I was not the person that I was supposed to be. I was masked. A fog covered me.
But then. I started to write. I found Twitter and found a voice that I never knew that I had. A voice that was hidden on the internet so I was free to say what I wanted. But I was still shy. Still scared.
Then I started to blog. I found plus size bloggers and found a world of colour and confidence that exploded my mind. Fat women, like me, who wore colour and pattern. They were self assured, knew who they were; they had confidence and sass. Everything that I wanted. I vowed to change.
This review was my first outing as a plus size blogger. I cannot tell you how many photographs were taken and discarded. How times I wrote the post and published, only to delete, rewrite, edit and publish again.
My confidence grew. I grew to love pattern and found my confidence.
I did a photo shoot (cue moody pout). I modeled (Can you see the smile? That was happiness right there.) Still not sure about that jumper though haha
I went from someone who actively hid from the camera, to someone who loves a good selfie. I became more confident and with that, I got angry.
In the past few years, my focus has changed from the confidence in what I look like and the image that I present to the world, to what I think and what I say. My blog pieces have become more serious and focused. My voice on Twitter has expanded and I no longer am afraid to say anything that I think. This has both lost and gain followers. I care not.
I quit smoking 2 months ago. Whether coincidence or not, the emotional blunting that I have experienced for so many years has gone. I feel all the good. The happiness I now have in my life, the joy, the expectation, the hope. The excitement for the future.
I went on a spa day today with my best friend. Someone who has been my best friend since I was 15 years old. She has been there through every up and down, every high and every low. She has seen the best and the worst in me.
She has seen all the recent changes in me over the recent years in confidence, in clothing, in what I say and what I share and think. But she told me today that finally, after so long, she is now seeing the person that she first met, all those years ago. Free, confident, happy, expectant, hopeful and most importantly, completely and utterly myself, without the fog that has covered me for so long.
I am back to myself again. I would say that that is a damn good way to start your 40s. Wouldn't you?
In the past few years, my focus has changed from the confidence in what I look like and the image that I present to the world, to what I think and what I say. My blog pieces have become more serious and focused. My voice on Twitter has expanded and I no longer am afraid to say anything that I think. This has both lost and gain followers. I care not.
I quit smoking 2 months ago. Whether coincidence or not, the emotional blunting that I have experienced for so many years has gone. I feel all the good. The happiness I now have in my life, the joy, the expectation, the hope. The excitement for the future.
I went on a spa day today with my best friend. Someone who has been my best friend since I was 15 years old. She has been there through every up and down, every high and every low. She has seen the best and the worst in me.
She has seen all the recent changes in me over the recent years in confidence, in clothing, in what I say and what I share and think. But she told me today that finally, after so long, she is now seeing the person that she first met, all those years ago. Free, confident, happy, expectant, hopeful and most importantly, completely and utterly myself, without the fog that has covered me for so long.
I am back to myself again. I would say that that is a damn good way to start your 40s. Wouldn't you?
