Petals On The Wind

When I was 21, I moved to Ireland.  Being 21, it was not a considered decision.  My good friend was moving home and asked if I would like to come and live in Ireland with her.  I said yes immediately.

I left my job, sold my car, packed up my belongings and without hesitation upped sticks and got on the boat to Ireland.   It was the most impulsive thing that I had ever done and the best thing I have ever done.

We stayed in Ireland six months, before deciding to move again to Jersey.  I remember at the time feeling like I was a petal on the wind, going wherever the wind decided to take me.  I did not want to put down roots anyway.  If someone had offered, they could have put me in a parcel and shipped me off to Australia and I would have agreed.

Sadly, for this petal, my journey began and ended in Ireland.  Hopping from country to country, even when you are working, involves money.  I set off for Ireland with no savings and despite getting a full time job there, I did not have the funds to go to Jersey.  My friend left, and I went back to England.

At the time I swore that I would make enough money and then join my friend in Jersey.  It did not happen.  I was offered a better job back at at my old firm and starting working my way up the ranks.  Comfortable and a regular paycheck, along with the typical many nights out of a 21 year old meant no savings.

Do I have regrets?  No.  I don't believe in regrets, it is a fool's game.  I am now in a great position at the firm I went back to, I have had some great times and I am happy.  I believe everything happens for a reason and therefore, perhaps Jersey was not meant for me.

Now though, at 38, my feet has begun to itch again.  I wrote recently about wanting to take a trip to Barcelona on my own.  I want to go, experience the city, sit by the harbour with a glass of wine and nothing else but my thoughts and do so comfortable in my own skin.

Everything in my life is in flux at the moment.  I know that I am going to be making changes over the next few years, positive ones that will move me forward with my life and more travel, is definately one of the changes that I want to make.

Do I Dare?

Confidence is a multi layered thing.  Body confidence, confidence in who you are, what you believe in, confidence to do what you want, when you want.

I have come a long way in terms of confidence.  Thanks to the plus size blogging community I found the confidence to dress as I always wanted, and in time, confidence to be more myself.  Specifically, to be able to say what I think, share opinions on here, on social media and in general life about what I believe and am passionate about.

I have gone from the person who said nothing in a conversation to someone who has emerged as a feminist, political and outspoken.  Some may say I have emerged out too much the other way, but I can only be who I am.

There are still things about my confidence and comfort level that I want to work on; one of which is something that I think a lot of people struggle with.  I want to be able to eat out, in public, in a restaurant or cafe, alone.

As a fat woman, you seem to attractive the gaze of people when you are eating anyway, as they not so subtly check out what you are eating.  A fat women eating alone will no doubt attract twice the stares and I am not sure I can deal with that.

But, I have a dream.   I want to go to Barcelona on my own for a few days.  Some time just for me, to be on my own, to explore a new place and do whatever I wish.

I am fine with flying on my own. I think that I would be OK spending a few days on my own in a new city if I planned everything so I knew what I was doing and where I was going; but it is the small matter of eating that is bothering me, and holding me back.

I want to be able to go into a cafe or restaurant and sit at a table alone, without feeling like all eyes are on the single fat woman.  Although I have more confidence now, I am still not and probably never will be the kind of person who makes friends in a instant and ends up joining people's tables.  So it will just be me.

Do I dare?  

In my head I know what I would say to someone else who was airing these fears.  To not let your fears rule your life.  To take a book or a tablet with you for something to play with if you are getting nervous.  To ignore any stares and not to imagine any.  That people have better things to do in their life than stare at me.

I think that I could deal with breakfast and lunch, but going for dinner on my own?  That is something I have never done before and to be really honest, the thought of it terrifies me.  But I want to do this so badly.  

Then the other thought enters my head.  Am I strange for wanting to go away on my own?  I have friends that I could of course invite but something in me just wants to do this on my own.  I have no idea why.  It is an odd thing to do?  I have thought about it so much, I don't even know any more.

Any advice on eating alone in restaurants would be greatly appreciated.