If I were asked to think of
someone who I would like to physically resemble, I would have said Rachel
Weisz. But now I’ve changed my mind. I want to look like a Daily Mail reader,
specifically, one who writes some of the comments.
Now the elusive Daily Mail reader
has never been seen out in the open.
From comments made though we can begin to deduce what they must look
like.
Here’s a profile:
Facial Features
Given various comments made with
regard to “huge nose”, “needs plastic surgery”, “would need a bag over their
head to be attractive” “ugly”, “disgusting to look at” etc etc it can only be
deduced that the Daily Mail reader has perfect features, albeit features that
would not be so perfect as to be labelled “too bloody good looking for their
own good” or “vain” or “must be a slut”.
Body
Again, after perusal of the
comments it is impossible to accurately guess the size and weight of a Daily
Mail reader, other than it is “just right”.
Things therefore that cannot be said about a Daily Mail reader’s body are
“you need to eat more pies love” “Fetch a harpoon” “Must have had a boob job”
“Tits like a sparrow”, “disgusting” “intolerable” “can’t even look at” “a bad
role model” etc.
As with the facial features
however, we must also note that the Daily Mail reader’s body cannot be so
perfect as to then be described as “whore” “vain” “who the hell does she think
she is” “must have had plastic surgery”.
Given the above, I have finally
come to a decision of what the Daily Mail reader looks like. EVERYONE
ELSE.
No one has the perfect face. No one has the perfect body. No one has any right to criticise the way
that someone else looks.
So whilst I cannot accurately
describe the physical features of a Daily Mail reader, their personality traits
should be seen from a mile away. Look
out for rude, obnoxious, insecure, under confident and, if one of them ever
reads this, probably angry and already writing a comment below of how I should
lose weight, wear a bag over my head, live in a hole underground so I can’t be
seen and hold up a sign apologising for the way I look.
Meow.
