Still Scared

Why does the journey never end? I really thought that I had cracked the confidence thing.  I have confidence in who and what I am now and I feel so much better for it.  I have torn down so many of the walls that I built around me and yet this week, I have discovered another.  An invisible double strength wall guarded by an armada. 

 

What I have realised is that when it comes to the opposite sex, I am still that scared insecure girl who wants to hide.

 

The problem is that I am too used to men wanting me but keeping me in the shadows.  Fancying me but yet denying me in public.  Being with me but trying to justify it to others. I allowed it to happen for so long that it feels like the norm and now I eye every guy with suspicion, no matter what the circumstances.

 

Right now for example I'm talking to a guy via text. It's a friend thing, a reconnection and nothing more and yet I keep saying to him, but have you read my blog?  Not because I want him to read my writing but to make sure that he knows what I look like.  I realised that I was doing this the other night and it freaked me the hell out.

I should say at this point that he has been nothing but nice to me either. 

 

I'm happy in so many ways now, I can take anything that society throws at me, except it seems when it comes to men.

 

I'm aware how utterly ridiculous this sounds.  If I saw any of the other bloggers I read saying this I would be shouting "But you're so pretty, don't be silly!" from the rooftops at them.  But when I apply that to myself and then connect it to men and suddenly I am running for cover, wanting to hide.

Do you remember me the post I did about the invisible "fuck off" sign on my head?  Well it appears that it is still there.....
 

Is it too late to make a New Year's resolution?  Stop putting myself down, even unconsciously....  The only problem in the equation is me, I know that. 

I am more than this.   My image is all over my blog, I have a million "selfie" pictures on Instagram, I've walked down a bloody catwalk FFS!!
 

I refuse to be so scared that I am making sure a guy friend has seen my picture before feeling comfortable enough to have a conversation.  That is just ridiculous.

 

I think I should retitle this blog post, "Dear Vicky, Stop Being An Idiot".