Taking The Leap

Well, I've done it.

I wrote recently that I wanted to move away from commercial writing and focus on opinion pieces.  Talk about the things that I wanted to again, instead of using the blog as a part time job with the occasional thought piece thrown in.

I have said similar things before and my intentions have been pure, but somehow I have always found myself lured back in.  A quick guest post or two, a link, then just another couple of sponsored posts.  Not this time.  No more.  I am done.

The real catalyst for all of this I think comes from my Twitter account.  I have always said what I thought on Twitter in the most part, but over recent months I have become more vocal and have become tired of hiding some parts of my thoughts in order to maintain my blog.

I got an email reply from a PR this week, stating that although she loved my blog (do they ever actually mean that? I doubt it), my Twitter account was not something that their client would want to be associated with.

So that, right there was the moment.  Do I reel back what I think and become once again a pen for profit, or do I do what I set out to do?

I decided it was time to be true to myself again.  I started by thanking the said PR for her comments.  Then I unsubscribed to all blogging emails, removed myself from paid blogging groups on Facebook, unfollowed all PR companies on Twitter and started to move away from all the people I had followed purely for numbers rather than actual interest in their content.

I began to get excited about writing again.  Ideas tumbled into my head about what I wanted to write and I finally finished the interview post that I have been preparing over the past few weeks (upcoming in the next week).

Right now, I have five different posts in draft, all different subjects, all partly written when I have come up with an idea and just had to get the bones of it written down. 

My thoughts, feelings and opinions are flowly straight through my fingers again and it feels wonderful.  I don't care about profit, numbers or even whether anyone reads my musings from now on, or not.

But I am back to being totally myself, warts and all. 

Turns out that turning 40 is a little like having a revolution in your head.  I like it.

Saying Goodbye To My Thirties

*Long read

So here it is.  The last day of my thirties.  Tomorrow, I will be 40 years old.

40 doesn't sound like something that should apply to me.  It so old.  Middle aged.   Oh Jesus.....

40 sounds like a person who knows what they are doing, more adult than I sometimes feel.  When a problem arises I still sometimes look around the room for an adult.  Someone more adult than I.  So, not like I have a choice in the matter, I am ready to be 40?

Yes, I think that I am.

The past two decades have not been easy, especially between my mid twenties and early thirties.  I had no confidence, I lived in a sea of black clothing and had little self worth.  I went in and out of depression and anxiety and sometimes, felt so sad that I wondered what the point of it all was.

Feelings of happiness, passion and hope seemed to be watered down and only on the occasional day did glimpses of them appear.  An emotional blunting or dulling of effect.

Certain people blazed a trail through my life like a shooting star.  All bright and beautiful till it crashes and burns.  Others disappointed me and abused my trust more than words can say.

That isn't to say that I did not also have fun over those years.  I had lots.  But I knew that I was not the person that I was supposed to be.  I was masked.  A fog covered me.

But then.  I started to write.  I found Twitter and found a voice that I never knew that I had.  A voice that was hidden on the internet so I was free to say what I wanted.  But I was still shy.  Still scared.

Then I started to blog.  I found plus size bloggers and found a world of colour and confidence that exploded my mind.  Fat women, like me, who wore colour and pattern.  They were self assured, knew who they were; they had confidence and sass.  Everything that I wanted.  I vowed to change.

This review was my first outing as a plus size blogger.  I cannot tell you how many photographs were taken and discarded.  How times I wrote the post and published, only to delete, rewrite, edit and publish again.

My confidence grew.  I grew to love pattern and found my confidence.

I did a photo shoot (cue moody pout).  I modeled (Can you see the smile?  That was happiness right there.)  Still not sure about that jumper though haha

I went from someone who actively hid from the camera, to someone who loves a good selfie.  I became more confident and with that, I got angry.

In the past few years, my focus has changed from the confidence in what I look like and the image that I present to the world, to what I think and what I say.  My blog pieces have become more serious and focused.  My voice on Twitter has expanded and I no longer am afraid to say anything that I think.  This has both lost and gain followers.  I care not.

I quit smoking 2 months ago.  Whether coincidence or not, the emotional blunting that I have experienced for so many years has gone.  I feel all the good.  The happiness I now have in my life, the joy, the expectation, the hope.  The excitement for the future.

I went on a spa day today with my best friend.  Someone who has been my best friend since I was 15 years old.  She has been there through every up and down, every high and every low.  She has seen the best and the worst in me.

She has seen all the recent changes in me over the recent years in confidence, in clothing, in what I say and what I share and think.  But she told me today that finally, after so long, she is now seeing the person that she first met, all those years ago.  Free, confident, happy, expectant, hopeful and most importantly, completely and utterly myself, without the fog that has covered me for so long.

I am back to myself again.  I would say that that is a damn good way to start your 40s.  Wouldn't you?

The Evolution of You

Looking back over the course of your life, have you ever wanted to meet your past younger self?  

I don't know about you, but I have been very different people over the course of my life so far.  Whilst my core being has stayed the same in terms of my values, the person that I am has undergone so many changes of the years that I am not sure if I would recognise myself if I was to meet me at a different age.

I think of it as being the same person, but simply a different shade or colour.  We are like bell peppers really (bare with me on this).  It wasn't until recently that I learned that yellow, orange, green and red peppers are not different variety of peppers, but merely at a different stage of ripening.  That feels a lot like me.

Everyone has challenges in their life and everyone has a journey that they go on, no matter how large or small.  My journey has been one of finding confidence, finding self esteem, finding body confidence, finding my voice.  I tried to put descriptive labels on some of my different stages.  I share (some) here:

Age 15  -  I am the fat girl in school.  I want to fit in.  There is still wonderment and hope in the world.  I have hope for my future.  I want to be thin so people will like me.

Age 21 - I am so lost.   I am scared. 

Age 30 - There are people on the internet that think like me, that look like me, that say what they think..........  I'm not good enough.

Age 33 - I am writing.  I am wearing colour for the first time.  A LOT of colour.  I am still terrified of rejection.  I still don't feel good enough.

Today (aged 39.99 years) I am never scared to say what I think.  I probably say too much.  My wardrobe of beautiful, colourful dresses is overflowing.  I have confidence in both myself and my courage of conviction.  I have a fella who makes me feel sexy.  I have amazing friends.  I have self worth.

I am happier today than I have ever been in my life.  This happiness is as a result of the journey of life that I have been on.  The challenges that I have set myself.  The heartbreak and the loves.  The highs, the lows.   The girl who decided to become a woman and make her life as she wanted it to be.

I am proud of just how far that I have come in my life and you know what?  I would love to meet 21 year old me.  To give her advice, to give her a boost.  To tell her that she is going to be ok.  

To tell her that she will never suit red hair, no matter how many times she tries over the years to make it work (written now with another shade of red).

What challenges in your life have changed you?

If you are looking for other blogs to read, you can't go far wrong with reading Let Them Be Small

Gone In a Puff of Smoke

Everything has its own time.  That is something I truly believe.

I am never one to be pushed into anything and for me to make a big change in my life, the planets usually have to align perfectly with a touch of magic in the air, or the change will not stick.  When I make that jump though, the right jump, I never look back.

The last time I did this, I completed changed the person that I am.  I went from a very shy, under confident girl who never voiced her own opinion and wore black 24/7 to the person I am today.  Still shy, but unafraid to say what I think, a wardrobe full of colour and a smile on my face.

The very first photograph of me after ditching my all black wardrobe

A few weeks ago I wrote about why I never make New Years Resolutions. Mostly because I do not like to be forced into anything, even by myself.  Changes in my life have to be organic.

So, on the 7th January, the planets aligned and I decided that this was the day I was going to stop smoking.  There were a number of factors that made my decision for me.  The fact that my 40th birthday is looming and I was determined not to be a smoker by then.  The cost.  That I was the remaining smoker in my friend group.  My health.

Today, 23 days later and I have not smoked a cigarette since.  The first week was not easy.  I decided to stop smoking using the cold turkey method as I did not want to use aids or patches and draw out the process.  This works for me, I know using patches etc works brilliantly for others.

Something has changed in me this time though.  An internal flick of a switch.  I know that I won't start smoking again.  A certainty that I can feel.  I cannot explain it.

I have stopped smoking before, for 2 years in fact and started again due to stress.   I then stopped last year for a month, only to be lured back in again after a night out.  Each time I stopped, I knew that I was not done with cigarettes.  This time, I think that the end has come.

I will keep you posted!

Want to check out some more blogs?  Check out Chilling with Lucas which is a fantastic family blog.

Why I Refuse To Make A New Years Resolution

I don't believe in making resolutions at New Year.  I don't see the point.  Change, if it is something that you really want, comes in its own time and at the right moment.  It cannot be forced.   

What I am doing this year and what I think we all should do, is look back over the past year and look at the positives in it.  Look at the happy moments, look at the things that you have learnt throughout the year, be it about yourself, about others or more about what interests you.

I don't see the point in putting pressure on yourself to lose weight, change your personality, change your love life status, change who you are.  Change, if you wish change at all, has to be organic, natural and must come from the heart.  That is where happiness starts.

What is the point is ending a year telling yourself that you are not good enough?  That you need to change?  Work on yourself and change (if you want it) will happen.  You are always good enough.

There have been changes in me in the past year.  All have taken time, all have come organically through learning, self reflection and thought.  I know myself so much better at the end of this year than at the start of the last.  

These changes in my outlook, personality and life came slowly.   None were planned and as is so important in change, I only realised the difference in myself after the journey.

  

So looking back at the past year, have I changed?  Absolutely.  I have learned things, I have worked on my soul and my mental health.  I am happier.

This is my positivity list for this year.

• I swept away previous bad experiences with online dating and found the courage to try again, being wholly me this time (I had feminist in my description instead of just the usual "friendly, happy, sometimes funny" rubbish).

• I have (with the help of inspiration and motivation of a certain gentleman), embraced the body that I have.  I have explored my sexuality and become a more confident person because of that.

• I have had less and less anxiety and depression issues as the year has progressed because I have looked inward at the causes, the triggers and talked more when the episodes have happened; instead of hiding them away.

• I have debated and talked about my thoughts and stances with others and in some cases, changed what I thought as a result, through learning.  I have grown.  See my post on non platforming

• Though I will always support women, support causes and talk about change and effect for women, I no longer identify as a feminist.  Something I never thought I would say.  This is an ongoing change which may well be reversed in time.  But as it stands, conversation has to be open, not regulated and regimented.

• I am going back to my roots.  I am writing, slowly, more opinion pieces of what I really think.  It is what makes my happy, feeds my soul and helps me to collect my thoughts, my ideals and what I believe.

None of the above could been achieved with a New Year's resolution.  They came through learning, through reflection and through my heart.  

So instead this year, instead of vowing to join a gym, find a boyfriend or change your personality; celebrate you.  Celebrate your achievements, however small, throughout the year. All this "New Year, New You" rubbish is just that, rubbish.  It brings you down, not raises you up.

The most important journey of your life is to learn who you are.  Learn what makes you happy.  That is the best and most significant thing you will ever do.

xxx 

Owning Your Body Image

Body image.  The way that we see ourselves is ruled by both the distorted vision of what we think we look like in our head and also by what society has told us that we should look like.  

Ask any woman what she likes about her face or body and I guarantee that in the majority, you will be waiting longer for an answer than if you had asked what she disliked.   The thing is though; your imperfections and the differences between your face and body to the people around you are what make you special.  It just takes a long time to figure that out and some of us never do.

I have always struggled with the way I look.  I could give you a catalogue of things that I don’t like about myself: wonky eyebrows, too fat; waist too short; breasts too big etc etc.  I always presumed that because of these things that I was automatically unattractive to the opposite sex and have worked on that presumption for as long as I can remember.

Every person on the planet looks different to the rest which is a good thing and is something to be celebrated.  Each of us has our own distinctive look, just as each of us have our own personal preference for what we find attractive in others.

The underlying truth of it all is that confidence is the most attractive thing you can have.  Whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, blonde or brunette; if you have confidence, you are already there.

One thing that I have been thinking about recently though are the judgements that we place on people who have confidence, but want to change or tweak certain things. Somehow, if you say that you own the way that you look, you are beholden (by some) to maintain that and never change. But isn't that still pandering to the majority and not being true to yourself?

For example, I like my eyebrows as they are when filled in a little, but I have also been thinking about microblading. I mentioned this to someone and I received a ten minute lecture about how people who say that they are confident in themselves but then undergo a procedure are frauds. They are my eyebrows dude, chill.

Say you knew someone who had really bad acne, could you really judge them for considering laser acne scar treatments? I know someone who suffers really badly from acne scarring. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is confident and outgoing, but is also thinking of having laser treatment as she hates wearing a lot of foundation every day. She tells me it would add to her confidence. Does this change the way that I think about her? Of course not.

Confidence is an attitude. A state of mind. Something that you can work towards and choose. You are in charge of your body, your confidence and your self worth. I own the way that I look, whether I choose to tweak it, change it or stay exactly the same.

If you let others dictate when you are allowed to feel confident, you are not quite there yet. But you will be.

*Collaborative post

Lets Talk About #MeToo

I wish I could stay that I was surprised at the allegations that have come to light in relation to Harvey Weinstein.  Disgusted yes, but shocked no.

I won't talk about the allegations made against him here given that there are potential criminal charges against him.  But I will speak about the culture that we have in society that enables, encourages and protects men like him.

A culture where women who speak out are called liars, whores; attention seekers and those that don't are blamed more than the perpetrator.  A culture where men who report abuse "Aren't supposed to talk about it, man up!" and those that don't, live in misery.

I'm a woman and as this predominantly happens to many more women than men, I am focusing on the women's side in this blog.  If you are a man who has experienced sexual assault or rape or wants to talk about the effects of what happens, write about it, I would read it, but your story isn't for this post.

The thing is, women do experience harassment, sexual  assault and rape at a far larger scale than men.  There are things that women are just supposed to accept, behaviours, actions and consequences.

We are supposed to keep silent.  

Reactions to reporting that you have been harassed or assaulted many times ends up with "It isn't such a big deal, why you making such a fuss!", "He is a lovely guy, are you sure? Maybe you misunderstood?" and the favourite of the MRA/MGTOW section of the internet: "Prove it or it didn't happen".

I'm sorry, but I do not carry a bodycam on me and cannot prove that the man last year fake tripped and fell into me, conveniently grabbing on to my breasts to "lever himself".  My life is not lived on CCTV.

When I was fifteen and two boys at school decided to wrestle me down at the bus stop after school every day for months grabbing at my breasts, my reporting it to a teacher received a look at my chest and a suggestion to wear a baggy shirt.

I stopped it myself.  How? I paid them.  I cannot remember the figure now, enough probably for them to buy a pack of cigarettes.  The thing that kills me now is that I stayed friends with them.  Society had already taught me that my large breasts were public property.  It was not their fault, it was "their hormones".

23 years later it only now strikes me that no one stopped to help me. Ever.  No one in the dozens of cars passing the grassy knoll next to bus stop on that busy road ever stopped.  People must have seen.  I guess they thought that I was "asking for it".

The hashtag #HowWillIChange was started today and whilst a few good and on the point comments were made, it was quickly overrun with angry men who missed the point completely and of course, as usual, those there just to throw vitriol at women.  Their daily game.

I have seen so many tweets saying "I have never assaulted a woman so I don't need to change".  Well done.  Have a cookie for never assaulting a woman.  But let me ask you this.

Have you ever had a friend or a family member hurl sexist slurs at a woman?  Have you been in a car and your friend has shouted out something sexual at a woman in the street?  Have you been there in a bar when a friend has grabbed at a woman's breasts for "a gag".  Have you been speaking to a male friend after a night out when he tells you that "she was totally passed out but I went for it anyway".  Have you?

If you have experienced any of these things and not said anything, not called out your friend or relative, let me tell you, you are complicit.  You are enabling the behaviour to continue.

Your silence is deafening.

 I was an early developer.  I remember being around 12 and going to a local playground.  I was on the roundabout when a group of older boys approached me.  The leader of the pack starting making sexual comments about my breasts and asking if he could "feel me up".  The other boys, whom I looked to in the hope that they would pull him up on his behaviour, looked uncomfortable, but ultimately, said nothing.

Would they have let him says those things about their sister?  I doubt it.  But whether teenage boys or older men, it still seems that a value has to be placed on a woman before she is seen as a human being.  If you have to think of a woman as someone you can relate to in order to see that someone's actions against them are wrong, you are also part of the problem.

So how do we ask men to help change this culture we live in?  Listen to us.  Take responsibility for your actions and own up to those people around you who behave in that way.  Just because he is your friend, your relative does not excuse him from common decent behaviour.

Women should not have to share their stories, like the couple of examples I have shared today in order to highlight that we have a big issue in society. 

We are not Hansel and Gretel, dropping the crumbs of our experiences on the floor until you find enlightenment.  

We have been silent.  We will not be silent any more.  You make not like it, it may make you uncomfortable.  It may make you question yourself, your actions and those of people who you know.  But we are not going away and the wall of shame that women feel about what happens to them is coming down.

Don't be that guy.  Be better.  We can all be better.

Bored of the Diet Talk

I know that I am not alone in saying this, because I have seen many fat positive women saying the same, but the typical New Years Resolutions of “I am going on a diet because I ate a turkey, four mince pies and a chocolate truffle over Christmas; I look horrendous” are this year, really starting to get on my wick.

Now I am, as you know, a fat person.  It is a part of me but not all of who I am.  I am aware of it and the impact that seeing my body sometimes has on others.  You know the types, either those who like to insult you; in varying ways of behind your back (or hiding behind a computer screen) or those jellyfish stinger types who say “Oh I wish I had half of your confidence!” 

Which translates to:

“If I was as fat as you, I would hide in my shed”

I like my body.  I have no wish to change it.  If others wish to change their body, be it because it is a New Years resolution or otherwise, then do it, but for the love of fuck, stop trying to involve me in your diet talk because I am not interested and what’s more, it is boring as hell!

I cannot count the number of talks I have been party to or brought into with regard to weight loss recently. Including before Christmas “With all I am going to eat this Christmas, lets all challenge ourselves to a weight loss competition in January”.  Erm, no.  That is ridiculous.

Weight loss is not a competition and we should not be compare and contrasting each others bodies in order to declare a winner.  If you want to change something about your body then change it, but leave others out of it.

If your self worth relies on the size of your stomach and the number on your bathroom scales alone, then perhaps your New Years resolution should be to love yourself more.   Because losing 10 pounds after Christmas will not change that. 

Here is a New Years Resolution I intend on sticking to.

Photo Credit

A Slippery Slope

When life gets busy or times get stressful, taking care of yourself can often be at the bottom of your list, if indeed you even make the list. You feed and water yourself and live your life on basic instinct, but often do you feel stop and take a minute to assess how you are feeling?

Neglecting yourself emotionally can be just as damaging as anything that you can do to your body physically. If you already have existing issues such as anxiety or depression, it can be a dangerously slippery slope if you do not look ahead.  You can find a psychologist online.

This is something that I have realised recently. These past six months have been rough; but my mental health is not something that has been on my radar. Actually when I say that, I am lying. It has been on my radar, sometimes with a very large red flashing warn sign, but I have ignored it; choosing to focus on bigger issues.

Sweeping aside these feelings has not really worked out for me so well.

I like stability. If I can make a plan, I am happy. Whilst I have a habit of making snap decisions sometimes, you had better bet that the outcomes are planned to the nth degree. I have my coping mechanisms for my anxiety and I know how to hunker down during a dark day. Unplanned issues and long term uncertainty do not fit well with who I am.

These are core aspects of my personality, hardwired in and hard to change. When things out of my control mess with my hardwiring, I am sent into a tailspin.

My unconscious way of dealing with that was to withdraw inward. I stopped calling my friends to catch up, I rarely went out on a weekend and my ability to say yes to invitations was practically non-existent. My blog also suffered, my motivation and inspiration were just not there anymore. Aside from going to work, I just wanted to be in my house and not go anywhere.

Can you see where this is going yet? Because I didn't.

Over the Christmas break, I had managed to book holidays from work meaning that I had around 11 days off. Nearing the end of my time off, during which I had only been out of the house once, I had event planned. Nothing major, just drinks and a catch up with friends at someone's house.

The day of the party arrived and suddenly, unexpectedly; I was terrified. It was not that I did not want to go, I was really looking forward to it in fact, but I did not want to leave the house. My safe space. My head was spinning, thinking of excuses that I could use not to go. My anxiety levels were spiking and I felt like I was in sheer panic.

It was at that point that the lightbulb went off in my head and I realised that my self preservation mode had lead me to a very dark place. A place where going outside even seemed like a bad thing.

I forced myself to go that night from sheer will, a will that has gotten me through many things over the years. I have started to say yes more and am no longer scared to leave the house; a feeling that I did not even know was there, until it reared its ugly head.

Today I am happy. My life is returning to more of an even keel and I am planning outings and events as much as I can. It is my birthday this weekend and have two fun nights out planned. I am back to my old self.

It is a while since I have shared something so deeply personal here. But I feel that it is important to do so because it shows just how close you can come to the edge, without ever realising that you are balancing on the edge of a precipice, where only you can pull yourself back.

No matter what is going on in your life, take the time to take care of yourself. Look for warning signs and do not ignore that red flashing light on your radar. It is important for us all to take care of the people around us, deal with bad situations well and look for that silver lining; but just as important is to take care of ourselves.

Great Expectations

First, a Very Long Foreword 

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, before the veritable shitstorm that happened and is still happening on Twitter in what seems to be escalating into a full out war between men and women.

Putting my two pence worth in, in relation to the banning lad’s mags, do I want them banned?  As long as women are happy to be paid to pose in them and men want to read them, carry on as far as I am concerned.

Lads mags have been around for decades and no children’s minds have been warped as a result of seeing a naked/half naked body on the front of a cover. 

Both men’s and women’s bodies are splayed over countless magazines in various forms of dress and undress and all telling you how the “ideal body” should be.  All magazines show images of how we are “supposed” to look and banning lad’s magazines won’t do a damn thing.

If you don’t like a magazine, don’t buy it.  Censorship of what we see and think is already up on the up, let’s not help it.  If you object to the magazines purely for prudish reasons, then I suggest you simply don't buy them and avert your eyes. 

 

With regard to the absolutely horrendous abuse that Caroline Craido Perez and others have been experiencing this week, the level of rape and death threats have astounded me.  It is easy to say "just block and report" to someone, but how is that even possible when at one point she was receiving upwards of 50 threats AN HOUR.

I applaud Caroline for not staying quiet and for instead, shouting back.  Staying quiet in the face of abuse never solved anything. 

This isn't men v women or visa versa.  Women don't hate all men and not all men are rapists.  We are talking about a small section of the population here who are throwing abuse.  It needs to be dealt with, but talks of things like a Twitter strike isn't the way forward.  I am not sure what is.  Whether a “report” button will work on Twitter, I have my doubts as it could quite clearly work in the troll’s favour too.

Back to my original post

What I have wrote below has long been society’s view of women, and in society I include men and women because we are accountable in some ways for views and assumptions that are still maintained.

So here is what I originally wrote:

Sometimes I think that we pass through life with one person after another imposing on you who you should be, what you should look like, what you should wear, what is appropriate to say, do, think.  Everyone has an opinion and sometimes, your opinion seems to be at the bottom of the pile.

What I was thinking about today was how much of that have we assimilated?  Are we drinking the Kool Aid of what we should and shouldn’t do, say, think, be?

Some of it is what society tells us, some is passed down through our families and some through popular culture.  I was always told for example (from various sources) that “A lady doesn’t swear” .  Well fuck that.

Recently Joanna Lumley told us that women shouldn’t wear provocative clothing… Although I think she worded it as “Silly girls in silly dresses”.  Victim blaming is nothing new, and it comes from both sexes.

If you think about all the things that women are supposed to be and do, the list is quite astonishing.  In more than one corner of the world, all of them will be said to you or be presumed of you at some point.

A lady shouldn’t swear.
If you wear provocative clothing, you are “asking for it”.
Dress conservatively and you will classed as matronly or an old maid.
You must conform with society’s version of attractive.
A lady should be quiet, subservient, well spoken.
Be a lady in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.
“Putting out” on the third date is expected.
Remember: No man will buy the cow if he’s getting the milk for free.
You must remain perfectly groomed at all times.
All woman want children.  If you don’t there is is something wrong with you.
A man shouting “Nice tits, can I cop a feel” at you across the street should be replied with a smile not a rebuke.
You can have control of your own body, but only if society says that you can.
Be thin.  If you aren’t then any abuse you receive is your own fault.
Be a “good” girl (whatever that is).  Nice guys don’t marry bad girls.

 The list goes on and on and on.  I can’ listen anymore because it is getting depressing.   How many of you have heard had many of the above said or applied to you.  I certainly have.  You cannot possibly be all of these things all at the same time.  It's possible.  So let's not be.

It’s for change ladies.   It’s time to rip up the goddamn rule book and do things our way. 

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”

― Coco Chanel

Making Choices

Life is always about choices.  The ones you make, the ones you allow yourself to make and also the ones that you convince yourself that you can't.

You can only be restricted in your choices if you allow in other factors.  Such as what other people think.  If you allow other people's influences and judgement into your choices, then it becomes more about what they want and think than you.

When I started a degree through the Open University last year, it was a snap decision.  I was still trying to figure things out within myself and I thought doing a degree might be interesting to do.  What I didn't think about was how much of a commitment I was making and the reasons behind it.  

I chose to work at a 25% rate given that I work full time and still wanted a life and other interests.  Adding that up to the honours degree I had chosen equated to the next fourteen years of my life.  Going into it I couldn't say if I wanted a change of career at the end of it.  I basically drifted into it.

This week, after being on the course six months, I sat myself down and asked myself some questions.  Questions that had been in my head for weeks, but I'd ignored.  Why had I ignored them?  Because I didn't want to be called a quitter.

Are you ready to commit yourself for 14 years on this?

No

Do you actually plan to change career?

Honestly, no.  I'm not career driven, never have been.  I chose it for interest.

Is there anything you want more than this?

Yes.  I want to give the blog more of a go.  I want to try and expand on the writing side, and not just on the blog.  I may not be any form of Shakespeare, but I truly love it and it makes me happy.

I asked myself those questions and there was my answer.  I've withdrawn from the degree.

Will some call me a quitter?  Probably.  Was it too hard?  No.  I was maintaining a First after all.  Will I regret my decision. No,  I don't think I will.  I would have regretted more if I was still having the same thoughts two years later and still hadn't done anything about it.

Some people are about education, some about fun, some are about their careers, some are about the life outside of what.  Further education isn't for me.  I've made my choice.

Vroom Vroom

Dear Anyone who follows me on Twitter purely in relation to blogging, outfits post etc,

The Formula One season starts this weekend.

I'm sorry.

I can (do) get very shouty.  You'll hear "Vettel you bastard" quite a lot.  I'll understand if you leave me.

Love

Vicky

What's in a Name?

Back in July 2012 I wrote a post entitled What's in a Name?

After much thinking and consideration I had decided to revert back to my original surname, before it was changed to be the same as my step-fathers.  I never regretted the change and only wanted to change back because I was searching, I'm not sure what for, for me I think.

 

I received various opinions on my decision to change, all unwanted to be honest as it was my decision, not anyone else's.  While some supported me, others disagreed with my choice.  I let them sit in their judgement then, I wouldn't today.  Unless I am doing something illegal, I won't be judged by anyone.

 

So much has happened in my life since I wrote that post.  I feel like a completely different person.  I am secure in myself, I know who and what I am.  I'm confident.  I'm not longer drifting.

 

Someone asked me today if I I still wanted to change my name.  I had changed it on the social networks and my email etc but so far had done nothing official as I was wanting for my student finance to be sorted out.  My answer though was yes, I really wish I still had my old last name, but the reasons I had for changing, didn't seem so important anymore.

 

I wanted to be my old last name again but in truth, back then I needed an anchor.  Something to latch on to saying "This is who I am".  I needed identity.   Eight months later, a whole world of change in me and I realise, it isn't my name that matters.  The identity inside is the one that matters.  I am who I am, regardless of what my last name is.

 

In my head, I will always be my father's daughter, I will always think of myself with his surname.  Do I need a physical proof of that anymore?  No, I don't think I do. 

 

The only change I will be keeping is my Twitter user name.  In a weird way, joining Twitter was the catalyst for all the changes I have made since and I have never been more myself than when I am speaking on Twitter.  So Vicky_Coop I shall remain.

 

 

 

 

Not Very Taxing

Say you went into a shop.  You were looking to buy a television.  You see one that you want and it is priced at £799.00.  You call the assistant over and he proceeds to tell you that if you fill out a little extra paperwork, you can get the television for £550.00.  What do you do?
 

Well personally, if that was me, I’d fill out the extra paperwork and get the cheaper television.

 

Although Jimmy Carr was the scapegoat, there are many celebrities who have been using a scheme in order to avoid tax.  This is perfectly legal and is a loop hole in the tax laws.  If I were a millionaire and had been told by my accountant that I could save a fortune, would I do it?  Of course I would.

 

The same can be said for the large companies such as Starbucks, Amazon etc who are also avoiding paying tax to the UK.  They found the loop holes, they are using them.

 

I don't see the point in people saying that they are going to boycott Amazon and co until the tax situation is resolved.  What is actually the point?  For the very small amount of people that will actually boycott, not including the "I will boycott, but actually are just saying it" people, the effect to the large companies will be barely visible.

 

What we need is for the Government to completely redo the taxation laws.  Considering we are in a complete economic crisis, this only makes sense.    There are millions upon millons of pounds there for the taking if only the Government firmed up taxation and closed the loop holes.

 

The times for the Government protecting their friends and their own interests has to come to an end.  In the age of Twitter, Facebook and blogging, people have found their voice in a number never seen before. 

 

It's time the Government were held accountable by the people that it serves.   This will only happen if we realise who are the people that are accountable.  It's the law that needs changing, not your coffee provider.

What's in a Name?

Changing your name is a lengthy process, full of millions of letters and in the case of passports and driving licences, lots of money.

I have been thinking for a while now of changing my name.  Well, when I say changing it, what I actually mean is reverting back to the name on my birth certificate.  Given the time, documentation and money involved, as well as the emotional ramifications, this decision has taken a while to reach.

I was eight when my dad died and just over a year later my mum remarried.  Although I was happy to see her resettled, and he was and is the best stepfather I could have hoped for, from then onwards I felt disjointed.

Maybe it was the little girl’s way of thinking, but I remember at that time feeling that I wasn’t a proper member of a family anymore.  When the holiday tickets used to arrive each year with the different names on it felt strange and wrong.  Like I was a leftover from an old relationship. 

When I reached 11 after talking about how I felt it was decided that I would change my name to the new surname.  Given my age I didn’t need to bother with change of name deeds and I didn’t want to go down the adoption route, so I simply started using the new surname.

Years down the line and now I’m 33.  Whilst I understand my reasoning for wanting to change my surname when a child, I now miss my old surname.  I miss the connection it gave me to my dad and I’ve found, that although I call myself by my stepfather’s name, I still think of myself in terms of my dad’s name.

I don’t need the sense of belonging like I did when I was a child.  Taking back my former name is in a sense reconnecting with my younger self and that is something I want.  So much of my life went awry after my dad died and now I think I have finally dealt with all that, I want a new start with the old me.

So, after I have a long talk with my step father, whom I love a lot and want him to understand, I will be going back.  

Hello Vicky Cooper.  I’ve missed you, a lot.

Horses are Not for Courses

Imagine you were invited to join a sport where:

• Someone whipped you in order to make you go faster/work harder/improve.
• It would be classed as nothing unusual for someone to die.
• Should you die/be badly injured, the event organisers, TV cameras and fans would think nothing of just merely covering up your body and carrying on the event around you.

Would you want to be part of that sport?  I certainly wouldn’t.  Even for the adrenalin junkies who might look at No2 and still think that it is a risk that they would choose to take, what about the other two points?  No, you wouldn’t choose a sport like that.

But yet, it is a sport.  A very popular one and all those things do happen.  Horse racing.

Animal Aid have been tracking the deaths of horses during racing since 2007 and incredibly, there have been 804 deaths since they started their record.  804.  That’s 3 a week.  That’s just in Britain alone.  With horse racing all over the world that figure is in fact much higher.    Update: since I wrote this post a year ago, the figure is now up to 944. 

 

Their findings are available for all to see, with the date, name of horse and the injury which caused them to be destroyed.  Here’s the link for you to see for yourself.

 

The jockey chooses to enter the sport.  He trains with the horse, rides with the horse, chooses to enter an event with the horse.  The horse?  Well he just likes to run.

 

The horse can’t be briefed for the race ahead.  He doesn’t know how many fences there are, how high they are, how many people and horses are going to be jostling around him for places.  He doesn’t know the fact that if he falls, he will more than likely be destroyed because he is then “useless”.

I was going to put a picture of here of horse racing and the falls.  But I can’t bring myself to.  If you are an animal lover they just make you sick to your stomach.

 

But this I will put on.  What the BBC called “an obstacle” in the Grand National last year.  I call it a travesty. 

 

"An Obstacle"

Horse racing is a business.  If people stop making the bets and boycott the events, a difference can be made.  It takes no effort on your part.  Just this year, don’t make your yearly Grand National bet.  If someone asks you to a race, say no.

 

When the public really get together and use their voice, their spending power and their opinion, it is amazing what can happen.  A horse may not be endangered, it may not be exotic like a lion or a tiger, but it certainly doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.

From an Apple to a Berry

I was going to do a phone review for my new Blackberry 9900 but then I wondered if there was any point.  The phone has been out for a while now, there are tons of reviews out there already, written and video and all the information is at your finger tips. 

I’m a firm believer that if you are to commit yourself to something, particularly technology, you need to do your research first.  I hate the people that buy a product, be it a phone, laptop whatever and then complain after purchase that it doesn’t do this or that.  If you had done your research, you would know what you are getting.  I knew for example that the battery wasn't great and would need charging once a day.  Coming from a phone I used to have to charge twice a day, that didn't faze me.

The reason I decided to do this post in the end was the amount of people who have been surprised, some shocked at my decision to move from Iphone to Blackberry.  I don’t see my decision as shocking, although as it is my decision, I guess I wouldn’t.

I wrote The Defection a few weeks ago before I committed and bought the 9900.  I said at the time that time would tell if I loved it or hated it.  Would I miss the full touch screen, would I miss all the apps?  The answer, no.  I am in love with this phone.

My requests from my new phone were clear cut.  I wanted a keypad but still with a decent touchscreen.  I wanted to still have the apps I used to have on my Iphone.  I also wanted to still be able to have all my music. 

The 9900 suits me down to the ground.  I love the keypad.  The geek in me loves all the lists, the countless options.  Anything I want to do on the phone, it can tell me how.  I have a media card in the phone so all my music is there, and unlike with the Iphone where you might have to limit yourself to an 8G due to the price of the phone, with this you can have 64G for a the price of a SD card.

Everyone told me I would regret it, that I was crazy to change.  But come on people, it’s only a phone.  It isn’t a life changing decision.  You decide what works for you want and you see what is out there that fits your specifications.  You shouldn’t have to limit what you want to fit with “the brand”.

I am slightly worried about myself however, now and again I find myself just looking at it, stroking the keys.  I may need to go Blackberry addicts anonymous.  But who cares, it’s mine, and I love it.  Plus, now I get to see this every time, am a McClaren girl through and through.