A Thousand Different Women

I read a poem recently which resonated with me so completely that I wanted to share it here today.  I believe that the author of the poem is Taryn Nergaad.

Make peace with the women that you once were

lay flowers at their feet.

Offer them incense, and honey and forgiveness.

Honour them and give them your silence.

Listen.

Bless them and let them be.

For they are the bones of the temple that you now sit in.

They are the rivers of wisdom that led you to the sea.

I have been a thousand different women.

In the world that we now live in, we are encouraged to move ahead, get ahead, improve, inspire, aspire, succeed and never look back.  Forwards, upwards and onwards is the trajectory that we are told is the path to take.  Don't look back.

But I believe that looking back is an important part of knowing who we are, what we are and how far we have come.

I have been many different women, each touched and changed by the experiences that I have had through my teenage years, my twenties and beyond.  Each of these women has left a mark on me in some way.  Has helped me.  Formed the person that I am today.

Some of these women have been stronger than me,  some weaker.  Some lost, some  found.  Some with unfound hope and some with a sense of purpose to improve.  There are parts of these women that I have been that I will never be again.  Other parts have stayed with me.  But all of these women I am thankful to in some way because without them; I would simply not be me.

I am so thankful for the women who lived in this body before me.  

I often wonder if I travelled back in time to earlier versions of myself, whether I would even recognise the person before me.  Because until now I have never really looked back and tried to remember those women.

I want to acknowledge some of them today.

Thank you to the girl who loved to write.  You stayed with me.

I'm sorry to the girl who had my worst years.  You were drowning and I did not listen.

Thank you to the girl who fought the black dog of depression and won.  The girl who was and is the strongest that I will ever be.  I am alive today because of you.

Thank you to the girl who knew what she wanted, beyond doubt and sometimes reason.  You stayed with me.

Thank you to the woman who decided that she was worth more than the value placed on her by others.  And by me.  She went looking for and found it.  She stayed with me too.

Thank you to the woman who broke through her shyness and found her confidence with each passing day.

Thank you to the woman who had hope that she would find her person and tried again.  She found her ever after.

Remember the women that you were before you became you.   You owe them everything.

The Evolution of You

Looking back over the course of your life, have you ever wanted to meet your past younger self?  

I don't know about you, but I have been very different people over the course of my life so far.  Whilst my core being has stayed the same in terms of my values, the person that I am has undergone so many changes of the years that I am not sure if I would recognise myself if I was to meet me at a different age.

I think of it as being the same person, but simply a different shade or colour.  We are like bell peppers really (bare with me on this).  It wasn't until recently that I learned that yellow, orange, green and red peppers are not different variety of peppers, but merely at a different stage of ripening.  That feels a lot like me.

Everyone has challenges in their life and everyone has a journey that they go on, no matter how large or small.  My journey has been one of finding confidence, finding self esteem, finding body confidence, finding my voice.  I tried to put descriptive labels on some of my different stages.  I share (some) here:

Age 15  -  I am the fat girl in school.  I want to fit in.  There is still wonderment and hope in the world.  I have hope for my future.  I want to be thin so people will like me.

Age 21 - I am so lost.   I am scared. 

Age 30 - There are people on the internet that think like me, that look like me, that say what they think..........  I'm not good enough.

Age 33 - I am writing.  I am wearing colour for the first time.  A LOT of colour.  I am still terrified of rejection.  I still don't feel good enough.

Today (aged 39.99 years) I am never scared to say what I think.  I probably say too much.  My wardrobe of beautiful, colourful dresses is overflowing.  I have confidence in both myself and my courage of conviction.  I have a fella who makes me feel sexy.  I have amazing friends.  I have self worth.

I am happier today than I have ever been in my life.  This happiness is as a result of the journey of life that I have been on.  The challenges that I have set myself.  The heartbreak and the loves.  The highs, the lows.   The girl who decided to become a woman and make her life as she wanted it to be.

I am proud of just how far that I have come in my life and you know what?  I would love to meet 21 year old me.  To give her advice, to give her a boost.  To tell her that she is going to be ok.  

To tell her that she will never suit red hair, no matter how many times she tries over the years to make it work (written now with another shade of red).

What challenges in your life have changed you?

If you are looking for other blogs to read, you can't go far wrong with reading Let Them Be Small

Why I Refuse To Make A New Years Resolution

I don't believe in making resolutions at New Year.  I don't see the point.  Change, if it is something that you really want, comes in its own time and at the right moment.  It cannot be forced.   

What I am doing this year and what I think we all should do, is look back over the past year and look at the positives in it.  Look at the happy moments, look at the things that you have learnt throughout the year, be it about yourself, about others or more about what interests you.

I don't see the point in putting pressure on yourself to lose weight, change your personality, change your love life status, change who you are.  Change, if you wish change at all, has to be organic, natural and must come from the heart.  That is where happiness starts.

What is the point is ending a year telling yourself that you are not good enough?  That you need to change?  Work on yourself and change (if you want it) will happen.  You are always good enough.

There have been changes in me in the past year.  All have taken time, all have come organically through learning, self reflection and thought.  I know myself so much better at the end of this year than at the start of the last.  

These changes in my outlook, personality and life came slowly.   None were planned and as is so important in change, I only realised the difference in myself after the journey.

  

So looking back at the past year, have I changed?  Absolutely.  I have learned things, I have worked on my soul and my mental health.  I am happier.

This is my positivity list for this year.

• I swept away previous bad experiences with online dating and found the courage to try again, being wholly me this time (I had feminist in my description instead of just the usual "friendly, happy, sometimes funny" rubbish).

• I have (with the help of inspiration and motivation of a certain gentleman), embraced the body that I have.  I have explored my sexuality and become a more confident person because of that.

• I have had less and less anxiety and depression issues as the year has progressed because I have looked inward at the causes, the triggers and talked more when the episodes have happened; instead of hiding them away.

• I have debated and talked about my thoughts and stances with others and in some cases, changed what I thought as a result, through learning.  I have grown.  See my post on non platforming

• Though I will always support women, support causes and talk about change and effect for women, I no longer identify as a feminist.  Something I never thought I would say.  This is an ongoing change which may well be reversed in time.  But as it stands, conversation has to be open, not regulated and regimented.

• I am going back to my roots.  I am writing, slowly, more opinion pieces of what I really think.  It is what makes my happy, feeds my soul and helps me to collect my thoughts, my ideals and what I believe.

None of the above could been achieved with a New Year's resolution.  They came through learning, through reflection and through my heart.  

So instead this year, instead of vowing to join a gym, find a boyfriend or change your personality; celebrate you.  Celebrate your achievements, however small, throughout the year. All this "New Year, New You" rubbish is just that, rubbish.  It brings you down, not raises you up.

The most important journey of your life is to learn who you are.  Learn what makes you happy.  That is the best and most significant thing you will ever do.

xxx 

AD - Let's Talk About Tattoos

I was counting up the other day and I worked out that I have 10 tattoos dotted around my body.  Everyone chooses an tattoo for one reason or another whether it be purely on impulse, something that means to them or just because they have found a decision that they love.

The first 3 tattoos I got were in my early twenties.  Sold by a shop that proclaimed that they would only last 3-5 years, I ended up with a few Chinese symbols and a design around my belly button.  15 years later, a little faded but yes, still there.

I don't mind them given their placement and lack of visibility, but if I had the option to make them disappear with ease, I probably would.

A few years older and hopefully wiser, I was a little more careful with my design choices and placement.  My stars on my left foot (see above), a little butterfly on my wrist which reminded me of my confidence transformation; birds in flight on my other wrist to remind me to always move forward; a commemorative symbol on my ankle for my dad and step dad.

Then, I made another mistake.  Thankfully, hidden behind my hair 99% of the time, so no one normally sees my tattoo mistake.

Tacky, isn't it?

I have thought a few times over the years about laser tattoo removal and for something like that, you want to go to the best.  Somewhere that is very professional, recommended and of course, does an incredible job.  I came across Pulse Light Clinic London during my research and was impressed with their client recommendations and the effort that they put in to show you the process, and the expected results.  

Operating since 1991, Pulse Light offer three different tattoo removal lasers - Q-Switch Rev Light, PicoSure and PicoWay.  All skin colours and all tattoo colours can be worked and even tattoos that other clinics have tried and failed to remove can be dealt with.

I worked out that one of my tattoos to remove, sized at around 2x2 inches would cost around £270.00 which for something that effectively safely removes a tattoo from your body is good value.  They also offer interest free credit on all of their packages and also offer a free consultation so that they can assess your tattoo, give you a price estimation and how many sessions you would need.

This is something that I will definately be thinking more about doing with 1 or 2 of my unwanted tattoos.  Thankfully the unwanted tattoos are hidden from the visible eye when wearing clothes or covered by hair, but you yourself always know that they are there.

Do you have any unwanted tattoos?

Here Come The Girls

At 6.45pm on Sunday, a little smile appeared on my face.  We were about to see the emergence of the new Doctor Who.  For the first time in that leading role; a woman.

There has been much talk about the new Doctor.  A woman did not have, to some angry voices, any place playing Doctor Who.  An alien with two hearts who could regenerate into absolutely any being.  Except, apparently a woman, which was a step too far for some.  

The usual default setting of a white man in a leading role was being challenged.

I started watching Doctor Who when Christopher Eccleston came into the role.  Since then we have had David Tennant, Matt Smith and Peter Capaldi.  All totally different Doctors, all with their own spin, coming from different genres and styles of acting.  Who could have thought for example the shouting, swearing Malcolm Tucker would one day play Doctor Who?

So I watched, with trepidation.  Trepidation.  That is a strange word to use about watching a new actor take over an iconic role.  When I watched the change between David Tennant whom I adored as the Doctor, to Matt Smith; I was uneasy and unsure as to whether he would play the part well.  He was a quirky Doctor, unlike the charm and charisma with the slight dark tinge of David Tennant.

But with Jodie, it was different.  Because she was being, yes in 2018, judged first and foremost as being a woman.  Not an actor who had a fabulous backlog of previous characters to show her skills.  Not her personality and how she would play the role.

But because I knew that should that first episode not have worked, had her spin on the Doctor or the way she played it been any less than spot on and well formed; she would have been blamed not for her character portrayal or her take on the Doctor, but because it would somehow prove in the minds of the misogynists on the internet, that a woman had no business playing Doctor Who.  

(I did not think, by the way, that the story was a great first starter to the series and would have liked a little more oomph with more excitement, but that did not take away from Jodie's fabulous performance).

With Jodie, little girls everywhere have a lead character role that is not defined by the way that she looks, how she dresses or how much she needs to rely on a man to succeed.  Any of us can imagine ourselves as Jodie and I can imagine many a little girl (and sod it, yes me too), visualizing herself now in the role.

When I was a little girl, I remember watching the boys in the playground playing as soldiers and spies (no doubt channeling James Bond).  They had a plethora of film stars and characters to aspire to and want to be.

In my formative years I remember watching Scooby Doo for example.  You had the option of wanting to be the ditsy atypical stereotype airhead of Daphne, or the geeky, dowdy Velma.   The message back then was clear.  You could be beautiful or clever; you couldn't be both.

We had Wonder Woman who could have been an amazing role model for girls, yet her character was defined by the outfit that she wore.  Even Princess Leia who was an amazing role model for girls, is remembered most for the gold bikini she wore when captured by Jabba the Hut.

We had She-Ra who was supposed to appeal to girls as He-Man did for boys, yet she was styled and drawn with barbie style curves, large breasts, short backless dress and riding a unicorn; despite also having super human strength which did not correlate with how she was styled.  Not practical for one!  The idea itself was great, but the execution in her styling, as visualized by the men drawing her, were not.

Boys did in He-Man have a similar problem in the stereotypical muscle bound man, but they had at least other role models to look towards.  The shy, geeky types had Spiderman and any boy could emulate Bond who although an international agent for MI6, was shaped like a regular guy; granted always in a great suit.

Don't even get me started on Barbie.

We did of course have the occasional amazing female lead.  Ellen Riply, Sarah Connor, Clarice Starling.  All well thought out, complex characters who functioned as a single entity without needing direction through the plot by a man.  They didn't need or require sexy clothing, obligatory large breasts (see Lara Croft) and were not there simply to appeal to men.  They demanded respect and they got it.

I noted the recent Lara Croft film reboot.  The main commentary I saw was complaining that her breasts were too small to play Lara.  What the actual fuck?  Is that STILL how women are mainly defined?

In the last few years, female lead characters have been on the uptake.  Little girls can aspire to be Hermoine Granger, Katniss Everdeen, Letty Ortiz, Hit Girl, Merida from Brave (until Disney gave her, and subsequently retracted, her makeover into an "acceptable" looking woman).

I don't want reboots or woman taking over characters that used to be men.  I don't want a female James (Jane?) Bond.  Women deserve their own storylines, their own well defined characters.  We are not a genre, we are half the population of the Earth.

In the days of Instagram and filters and the endless need to be "perfect", female so called icons like the Kardashians who, in the words of Jameela Jamil, are selling self consciousness with their waist trainers and diet lollypops; while one in four 14 year old girls are cutting themselves; we need iconic, strong female leading characters more than ever.

I cannot end this without saying, as I think my teenager self would have shouted out in class had we had The Hunger Games in my teenage years;

I volunteer as tribute!!!!! 

Tips For Summer Holidays When You Are Plus Size

So 3 months today I'm off on holiday to Spain.  It has been 8 years since my last holiday abroad and I CANNOT WAIT.  Of course you know about this because I have been on going on about this for months!

I previously wrote about dressing while plus size on holiday and today I want to talk about how to prepare yourself in terms of confidence and preparing yourself in terms of your skin.

Look After Your Skin

One thing that I am conscious about, especially now that I am 39 is that taking care of your skin in the sun is so important and you have to be prepared.

My skin hates winter and I frequently end up with dry flaky legs and dry patches on my face, no matter what products and creams that I use.  This brings my confidence levels down and makes me cover up more.

I now attend a local thermal spa every month and indulge in the steam and sauna rooms which is fabulous for your skin and the heat exfoliates your skin a thousand times better than any product.  In addition, I am shortly going to be taking a natural collagen supplement in order to improve my skin's elasticity.  This product also helps to protect your skin from sun damage.  I will post a link on the blog when I have finished trying out the product for my thoughts and review.

Bring The Costs Down

As I haven't been on holiday for so long, I am having to buy a lot of things for this holiday when it comes to clothes, products and accessories.

This can prove expensive and one way that I have combated that expense is by researching online for the best prices and also using cashback sites.  You can get cashback on everything from the holiday itself, to travel insurance, to your clothes and the products that you need.

Do What You Need to Elevate Your Confidence Levels

He had to get in on the act!!

As a plus size woman, even with the confidence that I now have, I confess that I do find the prospect of walking around in swimwear, shorts etc a little bit daunting.  Although I feel confidence in myself, the judging eyes and occasional comments can get you down and that is the last thing that you want when you are on holiday.

Going to my local spa every month has increased my confidence exponentially in realising that people are living their own lives, having their own experiences and generally do not care what other people are doing or look like.

But if you are worried about being confidence and secure on holiday, do what I do.  Bring on the glam!!!

Work those Audrey Hepburn inspired sunglasses.  Wear the brightly coloured kaftan or sarong around the pool.  Find that swimsuit, swimdress or bikini that makes you feel fabulous.  Wear a dress every night if you want (I will be).  I have even bought a Spanish inspired fan.

Above all, OWN IT.

I spent far too many years worried about what others thought about my body without ever thinking of what I thought about it.  No more.  I own who I am, what I look like and what I wear and damn, I am going to look and FEEL fabulous on holiday.

On a side note, I share this last photograph of me in a swimsuit for a reason. I reviewed this swimsuit a few months ago and shared it on my blog and Twitter.  An idiot who disagreed with me online recently shared this photograph of me online, without comment, in order to try and silence me.

Pro tip.  If you disagree with me, use your words.  Form an argument.  Grow a set.  Because you will NEVER silence me or make me feel ashamed of my body.  If your only form of argument is to try and silence someone by attempting to disparage their body image, you are the one that needs help.  Not me.

Owning Your Body Image

Body image.  The way that we see ourselves is ruled by both the distorted vision of what we think we look like in our head and also by what society has told us that we should look like.  

Ask any woman what she likes about her face or body and I guarantee that in the majority, you will be waiting longer for an answer than if you had asked what she disliked.   The thing is though; your imperfections and the differences between your face and body to the people around you are what make you special.  It just takes a long time to figure that out and some of us never do.

I have always struggled with the way I look.  I could give you a catalogue of things that I don’t like about myself: wonky eyebrows, too fat; waist too short; breasts too big etc etc.  I always presumed that because of these things that I was automatically unattractive to the opposite sex and have worked on that presumption for as long as I can remember.

Every person on the planet looks different to the rest which is a good thing and is something to be celebrated.  Each of us has our own distinctive look, just as each of us have our own personal preference for what we find attractive in others.

The underlying truth of it all is that confidence is the most attractive thing you can have.  Whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, blonde or brunette; if you have confidence, you are already there.

One thing that I have been thinking about recently though are the judgements that we place on people who have confidence, but want to change or tweak certain things. Somehow, if you say that you own the way that you look, you are beholden (by some) to maintain that and never change. But isn't that still pandering to the majority and not being true to yourself?

For example, I like my eyebrows as they are when filled in a little, but I have also been thinking about microblading. I mentioned this to someone and I received a ten minute lecture about how people who say that they are confident in themselves but then undergo a procedure are frauds. They are my eyebrows dude, chill.

Say you knew someone who had really bad acne, could you really judge them for considering laser acne scar treatments? I know someone who suffers really badly from acne scarring. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is confident and outgoing, but is also thinking of having laser treatment as she hates wearing a lot of foundation every day. She tells me it would add to her confidence. Does this change the way that I think about her? Of course not.

Confidence is an attitude. A state of mind. Something that you can work towards and choose. You are in charge of your body, your confidence and your self worth. I own the way that I look, whether I choose to tweak it, change it or stay exactly the same.

If you let others dictate when you are allowed to feel confident, you are not quite there yet. But you will be.

*Collaborative post

Taking The Time to Take Care Of Your Mind

A few years ago it was my good friend Shona's birthday and she wanted to go to a spa for the day and stay over at night.  As it was her 30th birthday, I could not say no, but I was dreading it. 

The whole process and (to be honest), the thought of walking around wearing a swimsuit, did not appeal at all.  I bought a swim dress which eased my nerves a lot and steeled myself for what was ahead.  I cared so much about what other people thought back then.  I worried that it would ruin the day for me.

It turned out to be a revelation.  By the end of a day of relaxing, laying back in the jacuzzi, steam rooms and swimming a few lengths in the pool, my mind was calmer and clearer than it had been for a long time.

Fast forward a few years and I am now a member of my local thermal spa.  I started by going a few times with my friend and then one day, I decided to go it alone for the first time.  This was a huge thing for me, but my mind became so clear and calm every time I went to the spa, that I knew that I needed to try.

Each step that I accomplished sounds so small, but for me, it was a huge leap.  Going on my own in the first place, sitting on my own in the jacuzzi, getting a cocktail, having a meal midday.  The first few times were hard, but the calmness in my mind that followed was worth every step.

Do you like my new swimsuit?  It is the first swimsuit that I have worn in 15 years. Probably more. I have finally gotten to a place in my life where I accept my anxiety issues and am in a better place in my confidence that I have ever been.

Previously on this blog I have posted many photographs of myself.  My dresses that I wear 24/7 do not hide the fact that I am fat, but have always been flattering, cut to diminish size sometimes and whilst always honest, have never left me feeling completely exposed.

Today, here I am.  I have a belly, I have wobbly thighs.  This is me.  Exposed.

I own my body, in every form that it takes.  My legs are thinner than they used to be due to walking my puppa, but do I care if my body does not change further? No.

My body is my own and I accept it whether I remain the size I am now forever, or lose weight.  My weight is unimportant to me.  My self worth, my self confidence and my happiness mean everything.  I am happy.

Now I can sit alone and not feel exposed.  I can sit and have a meal or a drink and not wonder if people are staring at me.  All I care about is that I can go to a place where I can put my feet on the side of the pool and float, looking at the stars in the ceiling above and reach calm.  Wipe my anxiety filled head and feel like me again.

This is a massive step for me, showing myself so exposed on this blog; and it makes me happier than you will ever know.

Last shot of the puppa who wanted to be involved in the photographs today and for someone so cute, who was I to deny him?

*This swimsuit was gifted to me by UK Swimwear but all opinions are my own

Getting The Confidence To Enjoy Being On Your Own

I have the week off from work this week.  My mum is away on holiday and my little puppa is in the kennels.  I was fretting that he would not take to it, but having rung the kennels up this morning; I hear that he is ruling the roost and all the staff have fallen in love with him.  No surprises there.

I have been looking forward to this week off for so long now.  I have been desperate to have some time on my own and relax.  I wanted a week to clear my head with no distractions, no commitments and time to clear my head.

The only thing that I booked this week was a day at the local spa for the thermal experience.  I am a member and usually go 4-5 times a year.  Usually with the girls, but sometimes, like this week, alone.

Having the confidence to do things on your own can be, and is, intimidating.  It takes confidence and the ability to not look around and wonder what people are thinking about you and concentrate on enjoying yourself.

As I have said in a previous post, next year, I would really like to go on holiday on my own or even travel a little.  This means building up my confidence to do things on my own and not worry about others.

I have been to the spa a couple of times on my own and each time, I felt self conscious and spent more time wondering if people were looking at me, judging me for being on my own and feeling sorry for me than I spent actually enjoying myself.

When you are fat you are more visible.  When you have large breasts that no swimsuit will properly cover so you end up with a massive cleavage you are visible.  When you are alone and all of these things, you are more visible.

Yesterday though, I decided that it would be different.  I would think about nobody other than myself.  I wanted to lose myself in my own thoughts and enjoy myself.  That is exactly what I did and it was wonderful.

I cleared my pores (and my head!) in the salt steam room.  I went in the outdoor jacuzzi and let the bubbles and the sunshine wash over me.  I swam in the swimming pool.  I floated in the relaxation pool with stars on the ceiling and soft music playing.

Half way through my day I decided that a cocktail was in order.  On my way to the terrace bar I bumped into an old work colleague.  This would have been my worst nightmare before.  Bumping into someone gorgeous and confident, surrounded by her friends and me, alone.

I didn't feel embarrassed for being on my own.  She asked if I was on my own and I was not ashamed to say yes.  I said that I was enjoying some me time and she replied, saying that she wished that she was confident enough to that too.  It was a genuine statement and it made me remember that we all struggle with confidence sometimes.

I enjoyed my cocktail in the sunshine on a comfortable settee and headed back to the relaxation room.  There are loungers surrounding the relaxation pool that I always see people reading on or having a snooze.  I always wanted to do the same on my own, but before, I would have worried too much to do it on my own.  This time, I had a 45 minute nap and then headed back out to the swimming pool, before getting ready for home.

I left feeling more confident, happier and clearer in my head than I had done in a long time.  I am getting there with enjoying myself on my own.  We should all be able to enjoy ourselves alone without thinking about others.  I think I have taken a giant leap in that direction.

How do you feel doing things on your own?

5 Things To Do Every Day To Feel Empowered

The process of spotting fear and refusing to obey it, is the source of all true empowerment.

- Martha Beck

Feeling empowered is one of the greatest feelings in the world. As women, we should always feel strong and in control. But feeling empowered can be hard to master and sometimes we need a little help.

One of the (probably first) ways that I actively empowered myself was when I was invited to an overnight blogger event in London. I was terrified. A combination of my social anxiety and the worry about having to travel and traverse London on my own was daunting. Not to mention a social gathering with nobody that I knew.

What I did to combat this was to break everything down into sections, Meticulously planning the travel arrangements and times. I printed out the route from Manchester to London so I knew what stops I would go through. I had a map of how to get from the tube station to my hotel. My subway passes were purchased ahead of time. I contacted someone who said that they were going to the event to meet up outside of the event. I planned each step of the journey and event and made them into sections. After each section was completed, my confidence grew more and more.

Empowering yourself is a process and some of the things we do each day can contribute to that feeling. Here are some ideas that could help you to feel empowered:

Don't Be Afraid To Promote Yourself
Every one of us has a skill of some sort. The problem is that many of us like to hide our talents under a bushell instead of promoting and using what we have. Each time I write and share a blog post I feel proud of myself for doing it and simultaneously slightly guilty for putting myself forward. To counter that, I push forward a little more.

Do A Form Of Exercise You Like

Exercise can help you to de-stress, as well as feel stronger and happier. People look at exercise all wrong, and think that it’s for those who want to shed the pounds. Instead, look at it as a way to make you feel like your best self. I love to walk my dog Simba after work when I come home. It is just me, my little puppa and my thoughts. It invigorates my mind and is something I really enjoy.

Dress However You Like

Don’t listen to anybody who says you can’t wear what you want. Wake up in the morning and put something on that makes you happy, whether it’s a crop top that shows off your curves or a pair of ridiculous trousers that brighten up your day!

My sense of style breaks "the fat rules" in that I do not conform. I wear a busy, bright patterned dress every single day. It is part of who I am and gives me a sense of self.

Affirmations
When I know that I am going to have a particularly trying week at work or I have organised a night out that I am nervous about due to my social anxiety, I set up reminders on my phone to hit me just at the right moment.  Just simple phrases.  You can do this.  You are enjoying yourself, just take a moment.  You are enough.  You know that you can do this.  It may feel silly at first but it really does work.


Empowering yourself does not happen overnight, but step by step, section by section, you will one day feeling like the confident women you always knew you were.  

Take A Selfie

A selfie is a signal that we want to be seen, that we feel confident. Whether you’re taking a picture of your makeup masterpiece or the incredible outfit you’ve put together that day, just do it! Take that selfie, take a thousand of them.  Embrace that face that is uniquely yours and recognise the beauty within it.  For tips of how to take that perfect selfie, check out the selfie guide

Credit to Mary at MyTrendyPhone.co.uk

Your Body Image

I have been thinking about body image a lot lately and what I have begun to realise is that how people deal with their body image is sectioned off into three groups: “The Happy”, “The Openly Insecure” and the “In The Closet Insecure”.

“The Happy” are those that have a good self image of themselves and do not let others thoughts or opinions affect that.  You are either born this like or you have worked hard in order to attain and maintain this self image.  Either way, it is the best frame of mind to be in.

“The Openly Insecure” are those that let others opinions affect how they feel about their own body image.  As a side effect to this, by accepting other’s insults and allowing that to factor into the way they think about themselves, they can also develop a “not good enough” complex. 

I spent about twenty five years in the not good enough complex so I know how this feels.  It is a feeling that creeps back into your life sometimes and so I always keep an eye out for it and mentally whack myself around the head when I feel like that.

The “In The Closet Insecure” are those that use their own insecurities about their own body image as a weapon against others whom they perceive look “worse” than they do.  This can come out in the pure insult form, which is essentially boils down to “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me” or alternatively comes out in the form of anger. 

It was this anger that confused me for a good while until I realised that that it wasn’t anger at all.  It was jealousy. 

The “In The Closet Insecure” person sees someone who may be larger than they are, or someone who they think is less attractive and if this person looks confident and happy in their own skin then their anger is immediately provoked. 

How do they have the audacity to feel better about themselves than I do?  I look better than them; why do they look happier than I do?  Their base line of thinking is that they cannot stand someone who is secure in their own self image when they perceive them to be “worth less” in their eyes than they are.  Confused by what they see, they hurl anger and abuse; trying to bring the other person down to the same state of misery as their own; not that will ever admit that.

When it comes down to it, bad body image is learned behaviour. 

No baby is born thinking that it is not good enough to be around others.  No child thinks that she/he is ugly until someone else tells them they are.  Until they socially interact with others, nobody ever links their weight to how they should be treated as a person.

I still remember when I was a little girl, watching my mum get ready to go with my dad on a Saturday.  As I watched her, I didn’t judge her against anyone else or think about how society thought that she ought to look.  She was just my mother and I thought (and still do) she looked beautiful.

I think that one of the most important things that you can teach a child when growing up is that they need to find their own sense of self.  To rely on what they think about themselves rather than letting others define who they are and what they should look like.

The question that we need to constantly ask ourselves is not “What do others think of me” but “What do I think of me”.  Because the answer to that question is all that really matters.

Do I Dare?

Confidence is a multi layered thing.  Body confidence, confidence in who you are, what you believe in, confidence to do what you want, when you want.

I have come a long way in terms of confidence.  Thanks to the plus size blogging community I found the confidence to dress as I always wanted, and in time, confidence to be more myself.  Specifically, to be able to say what I think, share opinions on here, on social media and in general life about what I believe and am passionate about.

I have gone from the person who said nothing in a conversation to someone who has emerged as a feminist, political and outspoken.  Some may say I have emerged out too much the other way, but I can only be who I am.

There are still things about my confidence and comfort level that I want to work on; one of which is something that I think a lot of people struggle with.  I want to be able to eat out, in public, in a restaurant or cafe, alone.

As a fat woman, you seem to attractive the gaze of people when you are eating anyway, as they not so subtly check out what you are eating.  A fat women eating alone will no doubt attract twice the stares and I am not sure I can deal with that.

But, I have a dream.   I want to go to Barcelona on my own for a few days.  Some time just for me, to be on my own, to explore a new place and do whatever I wish.

I am fine with flying on my own. I think that I would be OK spending a few days on my own in a new city if I planned everything so I knew what I was doing and where I was going; but it is the small matter of eating that is bothering me, and holding me back.

I want to be able to go into a cafe or restaurant and sit at a table alone, without feeling like all eyes are on the single fat woman.  Although I have more confidence now, I am still not and probably never will be the kind of person who makes friends in a instant and ends up joining people's tables.  So it will just be me.

Do I dare?  

In my head I know what I would say to someone else who was airing these fears.  To not let your fears rule your life.  To take a book or a tablet with you for something to play with if you are getting nervous.  To ignore any stares and not to imagine any.  That people have better things to do in their life than stare at me.

I think that I could deal with breakfast and lunch, but going for dinner on my own?  That is something I have never done before and to be really honest, the thought of it terrifies me.  But I want to do this so badly.  

Then the other thought enters my head.  Am I strange for wanting to go away on my own?  I have friends that I could of course invite but something in me just wants to do this on my own.  I have no idea why.  It is an odd thing to do?  I have thought about it so much, I don't even know any more.

Any advice on eating alone in restaurants would be greatly appreciated.

Strong Women

One of the best decisions I have ever  made was joining the plus size blogging community.  At its core, the plus size community is an inspiration and a home for women and men who have been told by society that we are not enough because of our size.  

This community shouts back that we will always be enough.  That we deserve the same respect as everyone else.  It gives confidence and brings people out of their shell, letting them be the person that they were always meant to be.

I have met many amazing people in this community.  One of those people is the beautiful Em of Terrible Tumbles  I hope that she will forgive me for gushing, but Em is one of those people that lights up a room.  Not in a beauty way (although she is such a gorgeous girl) but the way her soul shines out of her. She is warm, caring and utterly lovely.  You feel instantly comfortable in her presence, even those of us who are awkward in social situations, like me.  You feel at home with her straight away.

I have cheered her on from the sidelines as I have seen her go from strength to strength with her blog and I was very honoured to be part of her most recent blog post, a series of two called "Too Much?".

As women, we are often put under pressure to act or be a certain way.  You have to be a certain size, have a certain demeanor.  The goal posts are forever changing and I for one, have struggled, and failed to keep up.  One day I realised that the only person who should set my my goal posts, is me.

The "too much" criticism I get is that I am too opinionated.  But after having no voice for most of my life due to a lack of confidence, a fear of not being accepted and a pressure to confirm to what society thought that I should look like, say and be; I decided that enough was enough.  I would be myself.  I have an opinion, about many things, that much is true.  I have a passionate in what I think and believe.  I learn and change every day due to conversing with others.  This is who I am.

I am very proud to be a part of Em's post, especially alongside so many strong women who are confident in who they are, are not afraid to be exactly who they are and unashamedly march to the beat of their own drum.

I cannot wait to read the second post in the series and read about other strong women.  Who runs the world?  Girls.

Confidence is Key

This weekend I went to the Curve Fashion Festival.  I will be talking about that in a later post, but first, I wanted to talk about the plus size community as a whole and what you receive from it.

You start out, much like I did, by discovering plus size fashion blogs and positivity.  Slowly, your wardrobe changes, your confidence to wear what you want, not what you think you should wear starts to progress and take shape.

Along with finding confidence in myself and what I wore, along the way I picked up something else, courage.

The courage not to cross a road when you encounter a group of people, just in case they are mean to you.  The courage to go out and do something on your own, without having to have someone with you or needing to speak to someone every step of the way.

Before I found the plus size community, other than in my home town, I never went anywhere on my own.  I wouldn't say that I was afraid, more that I just knew that I could not do it.  I did not have the courage to take those journeys without someone being there.

I remember a couple of years ago being asked to go to an event in London.  It was the launch of new plus size collection in Soho and I really, really wanted to go.  But travelling to London?  Finding my way around on my own?  Staying over?  My courage disappeared.

So what did I do?  I looked at all the plus size bloggers, all those who inspired me in their confidence, their style, the way that they were not afraid to go out into the world and live it.  I took the inspiration they gave me and went to London.  I came back a different person.  They helped to create a new me.  A more courageous me.  Someone who was not afraid to go out there and LIVE.

Which brings me back to the Curve Fashion Festival.  After spending many hours in the company of amazing women, especially the wonderful Kate Willshaw and the fabulous Stephanie Cummings (thank you again for the phone battery charge!) I was left with a couple of hours in Liverpool.  What to do?

The old me would have gotten a taxi to the train station and stayed there for two hours.  The new me?  She went out and saw a bit of Liverpool.  In a bright yellow dress, enough red lipstick to last me a decade and a smile on my face; I headed out.

A stroll along the Albert Docks, The Tate, a pirate ship (sadly my damn picture didn't come out) and the Echo Wheel of Liverpool.  A wonderful day.

Lashes from Doll Beauty