The Don’ts of a Christmas Do

Office Christmas parties.  Depending on where you work, and of course who you work with, they can either be a chore, an obligation that you are forced to attend or a fun time you look forward to every year.

At my office we all love a good time, from the office junior right to the owners of the firm.  We try to make sure we all go out every few months.  It helps with the whole “team spirit” thing I think.  A happy office is a productive office and all that.

We have two Christmas parties every year.  One which the staff pay for themselves, with drinks supplemented by the owners, and another for all the offices, with all food and drink for free.

Surprisingly however, it is the staff paid for parties that always have the gossip and all the events.

I’ve just had my yearly office party this weekend, which inspired the post today.   It went on the usual format, Christmas meal after works, then hit the bars and a club if we make it that far.

Drinks-a-plenty, dancing, general silliness and pranks are always on the go and are encouraged.   The silliness and pranks are usually after a shot or two but we all have a great laugh, owner and worker alike.

What always surprises me, are the people that forget, even though they are out on “their time” and drinking, that they are still out with the boss.  If you are wrong kind of drunk (after one drink or ten), then surely, you would either avoid the work do altogether, or just have a couple and leave it at that.

I say this as we have that type at my office.  The wrong type of drunk.  Too loud, too aggressive, the damn irritating type.  The type you need to babysit.  Being this type of drunk around your friends or family is one thing, they at least know how to handle you, but out with colleagues, and your boss is another. 

After a night spent babysitting this person on Friday night I have complied a “Don’t Do” list for work Christmas parties.  Mainly because it irritated the hell out of me.

• If you can’t handle your drink, don’t drink or don’t come;
• Tinsel on Christmas trees is not for stealing for your own Christmas tree;
• If you are on the floor more than you are standing up, go home;
• Don’t argue/insult the boss.  They will remember in the morning, even if you do not;
• Don’t start an argument with a colleague over something stupid, they too will remember in the morning;
• If you haven’t brought enough money out with you, don’t steal other people’s drinks.  Also on those lines, have enough money to get you home;
• Finally, if you are over 20 and you still need babysitting when you drink, maybe work parties are not the place for you.

I’m giggly and happy after a few drinks.  I like to dance, am up for silly things and can generally be talked into a lot after a few (don’t read too much into that one, haha).

I am not the usual passive aggressive type and this is clearly a passive aggressive rant here, but I wanted to get it off my chest rather than cause office dramas.  Thankfully, my blog is not read at the office, they don’t know it exists and are not the blog reading type.

The drunken one is not going to the free office party this weekend, thank Christ, so I can eat, drink and be merry all I like.  Passive aggressive rant over.  Am aware I sound like a bit of a cow.

The Vodka Scooter

You may have seen this before, but it made me laugh so much am going to share with you anyway.  I didn't write it, but I wish I had.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?'  As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. 

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a “Vodka Scooter."

The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this >pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, "How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, stubbed toes, scratched hands and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out, "What the hell happened?"

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom with the wrong person, often with horrific consequences.

Vodka Scooters come equipped with Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake either everyone else in the house or your downstairs neighbours. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit for the ladies or for the men, no jacket.

Vodka scooters........the wonders of modern technology...have you ever had a ride on one??!!