I am lucky, very lucky in that my episodes of depression and anxiety have lessened a great deal over the past year; with the dark days decreasing in frequency. Up until this weekend, dysthymia aside (see upcoming blog post with regard to this), I had not had an episode in many months.
I had let my guard down and as such, when a really dark day hit me on Sunday, I was not ready for it.
For as long as I have experienced them, I have always hidden my dark days from others, both in my personal life and at work.
It is still an expectation of society that we present a "normal" front. Somehow, people can cope with any physical illness or symptom that you throw at them (generally), but tell people you have anxiety, depression etc etc and you can see them practically running away from you in their eyes. The "Oh God another crazy" look.
So when a dark day hits, as have millions of others, I have learned over time to hide it as best as I can. Solitary spaces are found, plans are rearranged, if I have to work, my head switches off into a tunnel vision work mode. I am careful in what I do and generally try to stay off social media or reading the news.
After not experiencing a dark day for many months, on Sunday, it felt like all of my strategies to cope/hide had been forgotten. Bad enough the misery, pain and tears, I now had to figure out how to get through visitors at home, travelling on the bus and then going to my fellas, who doesn't really get mental health. All I wanted, as I ever want, was to curl up in a ball and be alone.
I pulled myself together enough to take the dog a walk, get ready, make nice in front of the guests at home and then went for the bus. That is where my not used in a while coping mechanisms ran out.
Needless to say, there were silent tears on the bus with people looking at me like I had grown another head. Maybe I should have chopped my leg off and I would have received a more sympathetic gaze.
But then. Then I reached the fellas. I could not hide how I felt. I didn't have the strength. I tried holding it in. I tried passing it off as simply having a bad mood day. I tried brushing it aside. He saw straight through me and that day, barriers down, I let him.
He knows nothing about mental health and does not understand it. But he asked me to tell me how I felt rather than just stay silent and suffer "Use your words Vic". He understood that he could not improve how I felt, so just listened to me, didn't judge me and held me.
While my dark day continues to the end of the evening, the pressure of having to hide was gone and the talking frankly about it (and cuddles of course) did bring me comfort.
My question is this. Why, when we are already going through so much, when it is hard enough just to leave our bed, are we catering to other people first and how they feel? Making sure that they are comfortable around us?
When my dark day hits I feel completely alone in the world. I feel alien. I wonder how quickly I could get over or how much less stress and pain I would feel if I did not have to hide it?
Why should we? Why can we not admit that today is not mentally a good day. Why can we not say "Today I am struggling a bit, so bear with me".
Use that sick day when we need to.
Not say I'm fine to someone who notices instead of saying I'm hurting and maybe get a much needed hug.
I am not hiding any more. If I am not feeling well and have a cold, I tell people I have a cold. If I am having a dark day, I will tell people the truth. Enough.
For as long as I have experienced them, I have always hidden my dark days from others, both in my personal life and at work.
It is still an expectation of society that we present a "normal" front. Somehow, people can cope with any physical illness or symptom that you throw at them (generally), but tell people you have anxiety, depression etc etc and you can see them practically running away from you in their eyes. The "Oh God another crazy" look.
So when a dark day hits, as have millions of others, I have learned over time to hide it as best as I can. Solitary spaces are found, plans are rearranged, if I have to work, my head switches off into a tunnel vision work mode. I am careful in what I do and generally try to stay off social media or reading the news.
After not experiencing a dark day for many months, on Sunday, it felt like all of my strategies to cope/hide had been forgotten. Bad enough the misery, pain and tears, I now had to figure out how to get through visitors at home, travelling on the bus and then going to my fellas, who doesn't really get mental health. All I wanted, as I ever want, was to curl up in a ball and be alone.
I pulled myself together enough to take the dog a walk, get ready, make nice in front of the guests at home and then went for the bus. That is where my not used in a while coping mechanisms ran out.
Needless to say, there were silent tears on the bus with people looking at me like I had grown another head. Maybe I should have chopped my leg off and I would have received a more sympathetic gaze.
But then. Then I reached the fellas. I could not hide how I felt. I didn't have the strength. I tried holding it in. I tried passing it off as simply having a bad mood day. I tried brushing it aside. He saw straight through me and that day, barriers down, I let him.
He knows nothing about mental health and does not understand it. But he asked me to tell me how I felt rather than just stay silent and suffer "Use your words Vic". He understood that he could not improve how I felt, so just listened to me, didn't judge me and held me.
While my dark day continues to the end of the evening, the pressure of having to hide was gone and the talking frankly about it (and cuddles of course) did bring me comfort.
My question is this. Why, when we are already going through so much, when it is hard enough just to leave our bed, are we catering to other people first and how they feel? Making sure that they are comfortable around us?
When my dark day hits I feel completely alone in the world. I feel alien. I wonder how quickly I could get over or how much less stress and pain I would feel if I did not have to hide it?
Why should we? Why can we not admit that today is not mentally a good day. Why can we not say "Today I am struggling a bit, so bear with me".
Use that sick day when we need to.
Not say I'm fine to someone who notices instead of saying I'm hurting and maybe get a much needed hug.
I am not hiding any more. If I am not feeling well and have a cold, I tell people I have a cold. If I am having a dark day, I will tell people the truth. Enough.
