The title is a little depressing isn't it? Sorry about that. But I have a million thoughts in my head right now and my blog is the vehicle is take them out and do something with them. That is what it was created for, so here I am.
Be warned, this is a very honest post and a probably a trigger warning for anyone reading who is feeling and does feel the same as I; not good enough.
I watched a film tonight that I had recorded the other day. Not my usual genre at all. The Vow. This is the one with Channing Tatum (ok maybe why I chose to watch it) and Rachel McAdam. The one where they have a crash and she loses all her memories, including those of him, her husband.
The main focus of the film is him trying to get her to fall back in love with him. Whilst watching the film a thought entered my head that, I will be honest, has broken me a little ever since. I thought that in reverse, a man would never fall in love with me twice.
I have struggled with feeling not good enough all of my life. At first, for many years, I thought that I felt like this because of my body shape, but that isn't it. I am confident in my body as it is, and wear clothes that do not make me invisible.
Which makes it worse really, because what I do not feel good enough about is myself. I feel a lot like the picture below. Stranded on an island with nothing surrounding me, nothing that can reach me.
An island is probably the most accurate description of how I have always felt. I have been single for the majority of the time since I was 18. I don't know why. That is just how it is. At 38, I think a lot now that maybe this is the way that I will always be. I have amazing friends, a lovely but small family; maybe this is how it is going to be.
I have tried online dating. I got a lot of responses, mainly from people who wanted to make me a fetish, others that copy and pasted their messages en masse to any woman they saw and of course, the most recent encounter with a potentially dangerous man.
I have been in love (really totally in love) once in my life. With someone who was 95% right for me but someone who I knew deep down would never love me. But damn, I loved him. I used to say that he broke my heart but in reality, I broke my own on someone who I knew loved me as a friend, but nothing else. Drunken kisses and "other things" didn't help matters. He loved me, but not my body and that was my fault. I couldn't accept that.
Every time I meet someone I seem to strive to change myself into what I think that they want me to be. I change who am I, and then lose myself. I cannot get over the overriding thought that I am not good enough as I am.
Jesus this is honest isn't it? I don't like being this honest but if I am not, my mind will shove those feelings back into the box in my brain and not think about it again for a while; which is not healthy. Publishing this means my words, and thoughts are real and not taken back and denied in the "I am fine, honestly!" kind of way.
So where do I go from here? I don't know. All I know right now is that I never feel good enough and that I unconsciously run from anyone who I think may like me, for fear of rejection. I don't want to feel like this anymore because I AM good enough.
My head knows that. I just need my heart to remember that.
Signing off now. Thanks for listening.
I have been in love (really totally in love) once in my life. With someone who was 95% right for me but someone who I knew deep down would never love me. But damn, I loved him. I used to say that he broke my heart but in reality, I broke my own on someone who I knew loved me as a friend, but nothing else. Drunken kisses and "other things" didn't help matters. He loved me, but not my body and that was my fault. I couldn't accept that.
Every time I meet someone I seem to strive to change myself into what I think that they want me to be. I change who am I, and then lose myself. I cannot get over the overriding thought that I am not good enough as I am.
Jesus this is honest isn't it? I don't like being this honest but if I am not, my mind will shove those feelings back into the box in my brain and not think about it again for a while; which is not healthy. Publishing this means my words, and thoughts are real and not taken back and denied in the "I am fine, honestly!" kind of way.
So where do I go from here? I don't know. All I know right now is that I never feel good enough and that I unconsciously run from anyone who I think may like me, for fear of rejection. I don't want to feel like this anymore because I AM good enough.
My head knows that. I just need my heart to remember that.
Signing off now. Thanks for listening.
