Why Part Of Me Will Always Be "Bridget" (And That Is Allowed)

There is a thought that has been building in my head lately.  Well, not lately, for some time now.  

Why do I feel that, at a time where arguably (in the first world) women are at our most liberated, are there more rules imposed on women than ever?

We are at a point in history where we are told that women can be all things, that nothing is impossible. We can do anything we want, be anything we want to be.  The rules and shackles imposed by society for so very long are being thrown away and we are creating and running our own lives the way we want to.  Or are we?

Somehow, despite all of this liberation; it seems that we are once again being told what to do, how to look, how to act and how to think, increasing not just from men, but from other women. 

Sometimes it feels that the only thing we are not allowed to be, is ourselves.  

I was watching Bridget Jones Diary over Christmas.  Bridget Jones Diary was written in 1996 and released as a film in 2001.  For so many of us, Bridget encapsulated so much of who we are, our characteristics and both our flaws and our strengths.

Her silliness, her hope, her need for love and looking for it in all the wrong places.  Her inability to make the right choices.  Her ability to pick herself up and dust herself off to try again, after an obligatory vat of wine and a few renditions of "All By Myself".  

I saw so much of myself in Bridget and indeed, now over twenty five years since the book came out, I still do.

The thing is, we are all multifaceted people.  Aside from my many similarities to Bridget, I am also many other things.  Many of which are contradictory to the other.  I am independent, but feel an innate need to be loved, cared for.  I am both secure, and insecure in my appearance, my character, my trajectory in life.  I may have finally reached a point where I no longer walk about swathed in black, but I still change my clothes as many times before deciding on an outfit.  Whatever the occasion. 

I have a career, but it does not drive me more than being happy in my life outside of work.  

I have both a traditional and non traditional relationship with my partner.

All of the above is the way I choose to live my life.  It is who I am.  Because I am be more than one thing.  I can, and do, have opinions about a thousand different subjects.  They don't all have to be on the same wavelength.

This, for me, is what the women before me fought for.  To be the person I am.  To think the way I want.  Act the way I want.  Do what the hell I want.

After watching the film, I later watched a documentary about the writer, Helen Fielding who spoke about her own similarities to Bridget, which inspired her to write the book.  One of the people in the documentary was Germaine Greer,  who made comment about the routine that Bridget went through in order to ready herself for her first date with Daniel.

Germaine was eyerolling at the fact that Bridget felt the need to do all of this.  Why was she thinking more about whether to wear sexy underwear or control underwear rather than, as Germaine said "Don't worry about your pants girl, just kiss him".

That is true enough.  What we know, certainly by Bridget's age, is that a man cares more about getting into your knickers rather than their style.  They don't care.  From my own experience with my partner, he tells he loves the "wrapping", but it is what inside that counts.  The body and the mind.

But should that mean that we should also not care?  Is that now not allowed? The effort that we put in is never just about them, it is part of who we are.   

But, now, in 2022, being like Bridget is discouraged.  Embarrassing even.  All of those traits that we saw in Bridget reflected in ourselves are now frowned upon.  At a time when even the word woman is being taken away from us, by men who have decided they are women; why are our feminine traits being seen as wrong and traits attributed to men, now right?

There is nothing wrong with being confident.  Forthright.  Competitive.  Single minded in our pursuits.  Assertive.  All typically "male" behaviours.  An increase of these behaviours is all good for women, but more and more I see them the things that make us women, now actively discouraged and forbidden.

There is no right way to be a man or a woman.  We can be any and all things, but by our choosing.

Even the choice to be a stay at home mum is now judged.  I overheard a conversation the other day where a young twenty something was saying to friends that what she wanted most in life was to be a mother.  At home, with her children.  She was immediately jumped on.  What about your career, your independence, your money.  You can't "just" be a mother.

Of course she can.  She can be anything she wants to be.  Can't she?  

I am not writing an anti Germaine Greer post, but I saw this quote from her relevant to this post.

If a woman never lets herself go, how will she ever know how far she might have got? If she never takes off her high-heeled shoes, how will she ever know how far she could walk or how fast she could run?

Can I not wear high heels?  Put on my makeup, take an eternity to decide on what to wear?  Why do these have to detract from the person that I am?  Does this now make me vapid and silly?  Why can't I be silly?  Doing those things are part of what makes me, me.  It does not make me less intelligent, less willing and able to be successful and walk the path that I want to.  

But I want to walk that path the way I chose.  Not chosen by others.

It feels sometimes like we have moved on from changing from we look like and how we dress for men, to now editing who we are as people and the persona we show to the world, for (some) women.

I walk to the beat of my own drum.  Not others.  I won't be told how to live my life or how to act/be.  I see how far women have come, what we have achieved, what generations before us fought for and gained for us.  I don't think they would want me to be put in another box.

We make our own rules.  What we cannot and should not do, is impose those rules on others. So yes, part of me is Bridget.  And I am not ashamed of that.  Nor should I be.

When Did The Liberal Left Turn Into a Woke Cult?

Indoctrination can be achieved in many different ways.  From the drip drip method that is barely even noticeable, to utter submersion.



When I was a child, I went to a religious primary school where the local vicar was a regular visitor.  I was told that I was a Christian before I even knew what or who a Christian was.  Religion was dripped into my forming mind with prayers three times a day and hymns at morning assembly.



At that age I just did what I was told, believing that that was just the way things were.  I was not old enough to realise that I choose to have a religion or not.  I could choose a different mindset, a different path.

Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash

Religion and I collided a few years later and we went our separate ways.



Religion can be many things for many people. A hub to the local community, an enrichment to people's lives, or simply just a comfort or safety net that some need or want.  It can be part of who someone fundamentally is and can form the basis of their moral code, their bench mark for right and wrong.



But religion can also be escalated to cult level, making you condone things you never would before.  Do things that you would never do.  It is also the perfect excuse to control people and has been used in this way for centuries.  Blind faith can be dangerous.



Religion has been a very useful tool for the subjugation of women.  It is, to quote one example, what allowed, arranged and condoned thousands of young girls and women to be locked away in the Magadelene Laundries in Ireland for the crime of having a baby, for being presumed "promiscuous", or simply in some cases; being too pretty.



It is why women were told that their place was in the home and the man's place was head of the household, and her.  "It is written in the bible Susan, don't you want to obey the word of God?"

"Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. 

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the 

head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 

As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything 

to their husbands” (Eph. 5:22–24)."

Blind faith is how monsters are not only made, but how they can flourish in plain sight.



So where and why does this fit into what I wanted to talk about today?  Because blind faith is not just about religion.   It can be about any movement, group, shared belief system.



When I began to become interested in politics and feminism, the left side of politics seemed like the perfect fit for me.   The "morally right"  The good.  The just. There was a general assumption that the liberal position was the good and anything to the right was wrong.  There was only one choice for me, clearly.



So too with feminism.   I wanted rights and equality for women.  As I learned about feminism I also educated myself about intersectional feminism, named to include woman of all races, ethnicities, class, culture, age etc.  I wanted that.



So there I was, a left leaning intersectional feminist when one day, I saw a man winning a women's cycling competition. A man who identified as a woman but not only identified, said he was an actual, biological woman.



From there my fall down the rabbit hole was swift.  Suddenly, a man with a beard who wore skirts and had decided he was a lesbian, was a real woman.  One who went into schools for Stonewall teaching children they could be born in the wrong body.  Listen to Magdelen Burns about that one.

Lesbians who didn't accept "lady dick" were transphobic.

Talking about being pregnant and giving birth was transphobic because it didn't include transwomen.  Having a women only group on Facebook talking about menopause was transphobic.  Men's mental health groups were disbanded because they would not include transmen.  Women meeting to discuss women's rights were transphobic.  Refuges should accept transwomen, or they would lose their funding (again this year too).  I could go on and on and on and on.



Every FUCKING thing that did not place men identifying as women front and centre, became transphobic.



We were told that words were actual violence.  That we were killing people by saying the immutable fact that you cannot change sex.  A woman lost her job for saying this.  Told that her views were "not worthy of respect in a democratic society".



Children as young as FOUR being referred to a gender clinic.  Teenagers being prescribed puberty blockers like they were sweets.  4500% rise in referrals to Tavistock.  Three quarters of those being girls.



The rabbit hole is so deep you could drown in it.



The world went mad before our eyes.  Yet people, including myself, who questioned this idealogy, were called bigots.  That anything other than the ultra left view was right wing. We were not worthy of being called feminists.  We were TERFs.  What the ACTUAL FUCK???



Where did the left go so wrong, so fast?  Moreover, why the hell have so many fallen for the indoctrination?  Why are doctors now scared to question if a child is transgender?  Why have politicians fallen hook, line and sinker for this?  Lisa Nandy saying that transwomen who rape women belong in women's prisons because they identify as women.  This article goes a long way to explain that.



So where do liberal feminist women who have been thrown out of the left, thrown out of what is now called feminism do?  We fight.

We organise.  We educate.  We agitate.

My Name Isn't Jack

*For those who came here from @WhatJackThinks - I'm sorry, my name isn't Jack.  I am a woman.  Let me explain.

A couple of weeks ago I saw a man on Twitter who had conducted an experiment by creating an account as a woman, talking about the same issues and having the same stance as himself.  You can read about it below:

THE GREAT TWITTER GENDER SWAP EXPERIMENT OF 2019

Allison Floyd had been floating an idea around for awhile for men to change their avi’s and bios to women genders and continue to twitter as normal.

The idea was simple.

— Michael McKenzie (fmr SGT) (@PatriotMacK) October 13, 2019

His experiment was supposed to last for 3 days, however on the third day before he could end it, his alter ego account was banned.  During that time he gained 250+ supporters and gave him a perspective that can only really be experienced, not learned second person.  I highly recommend you read his thread.

Michael's social experiment interested me as someone who had started talking about gender critical issues 6 months ago (for those who are inexperienced with the term, specifically how trans rights are affecting and reducing women's and children's rights which affects society as a whole).  

For me, entering the gender critical world is a little like being Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz (go with me on this).

If you are a woman, you are Dorothy when she begins her journey on the yellow brick road.  She does not know how long the road is, how hard the journey will be; who is friend and who is foe and is not even sure about where she is going.  She befriends a few people along the way, but she is constantly attacked by flying monkeys and an evil witch on a broomstick trying to stop her at every turn.  It is not an easy journey.  But it IS rewarding in the end.

If you are a man, you are Dorothy when her house has just landed on the wicked witch.  She did not do anything to accomplish this herself, but she is surrounded by applause and is given a parade.  She literally lands on the scene by accident and is given the keys to the city.

This was my belief prior to this experiment and I wanted to see how true my belief was.  What actually happens when a man joins a highly charged debate.  I wanted to try and do this as fairly as possible.   I knew what my journey has been like over the past 6 months and I had my presumptions, as above, about how men experienced that same journey.

So, I created Jack.  I had a spare account already created last June that was not being used (apart from reading tweets from those who had banned me), so decided to update it and give it to my alter ego, Jack, the plumber from London who was new to the gender critical (GC) debate but whose interested had been sparked by his girlfriend.

What Jack Thinks

I decided beforehand to give the experiment a week and see how it went.  What happened was an absolute whirlwind.

I started by following a few generic accounts.  Match of the Day, Playstation, the Daily Mail etc.  Although I told a couple of people about my experiment, I followed no gender critical (GC) accounts.  I wanted organic traffic and follows because of what I was saying, not because I followed them first.

By the end of the first day, not saying anything profound or anything that had not been said by female members of the GC community many, many times before, Jack was a hit.  Within 24 hours, he had 501 followers.

Although I expected some curiosity about the account as men are fairly thin on the ground in the GC community, I never expected so many followers in one day.  I could not keep up with the notifications.

My follower traffic remained organic.  I followed some recommended accounts suggested to me by others, around 20ish I think, but apart from those, every single follower found me.  I did not expect this, certainly not at this level.

Aside from the follower account growing by the second, I was flooded with helpful suggestions of who to follow, articles to read, links to follow; what not to say, how to navigate not be banned by Twitter.   

Men of the GC community followed and popped into my mentions and DMs to say hi.  The advice from men and women was abundant and something I had never experienced as a woman joining the debate 6 months ago.   Even Graham Linehan popped up in my DMs sharing his latest post.

As a woman, respect and trust had to be earned.  There is a reason why the vast majority of us are anonymous on Twitter.

Tweets that I posted, again, nothing special in terms of what I said, received hundreds of likes and retweets.  Like somehow, my words as a man, had more authority.  Were worth sharing more than women who tweet day in and day out about the same issues.

I confess that tweeting accounts that my main account was banned from gained me some pleasure.  As a man I also somehow felt that I could get away with more.  In the majority, my belief held apart from one block, from Rachel McKinnon.

My tweets got more pointed, more up to the minute with the news and things happening on Twitter; more in line with my own account, although absolutely fueled and emboldened by my alter ego.  

On day 2, after the tweet above about putting children on puberty blockers, the TRAs found me.  Generally the discourse was different than I experienced on my own account.  Although highly charged, the tweets exchanged were more of an argument and a facts debate rather than abuse, threats and dismissing my words out of hand.

I felt safe.  The worst thing someone called me was a "little boy" as opposed to on my own account where I have been called TERF scum, evil, a transphobic whore, a far right slut.  

I started to receive a few tweets from women about my surging popularity and how I was being given more leverage as a man.  That tweets I received, would have received threats had I been a woman.  I could not disagree as I have seen it, first hand and is documented, many times.  Example below has had account names removed, but the full screenshot is on the link above.

Men do not, in the GC community, to my knowledge (please feel free to correct me and I will update), do not receive this kind of abuse.   They are not threatened with being fucked by a baseball bat for saying that men cannot become women.    

I confess that I lost my way a little in those first few days, completely overwhelmed by the attention and number of notifications.  Some people were a little suspicious.  Jack even got his own thread on Mumsnet with some willing to give the benefit of the doubt and others thinking that it was a sock puppet account or an amusing parody.

I awoke on day 3 to find I had been given a 12 hour ban.  I am not proud of the tweet that received the ban as it is nothing I would normally ever say.  As Jack I felt like I could say what I wanted, as it turned out, I couldn't.  That said, although rude, it did not direct hate, did not misgender.  "Go play in traffic, fuckwit" however was not my finest hour.  I'm sorry I said it.

During my 12 hour ban I decided to perform the search that many GC people have done.  The Twitter shadowban test (although Twitter claim that they do not shadowban anyone).  The results shocked me.  My main account as I knew, was shadowbanned.  Jack was also shadowbanned, but also had a suggestion for a search ban.

This may be down to the amount of traffic the account had attracted in that 3 days, but still, checking two of the list was surprising after only a few days on Twitter. 

 So here we are, at the end of my 7 day experiment.  

As Jack, I certainly received much MUCH more leeway, exposure, advice and boosting than I ever did as a woman.  I know that this is the experience of the very vast majority of the women in the GC community.  He received a 12 hour ban that I did not expect (although I have never said something like that on my own account & have been confrontational; I have not received a ban, yet).

One thing I have noticed from this experiment is that on my main account I myself have found myself retweeting men as much as women, which is disproportionate given my man to woman ratio of the people I follow.  That is something I will address going forward on my own Twitter account.

Jack was also deboosted and had a suggested search ban at an alarming rate given the number of days on Twitter, but I do have to wonder about the high volume of traffic versus the rarity of a man joining the community rather than a woman.

I am sad to let Jack go.  I felt so free with that account to say what I wanted, although my experiment did show that men do receive some of the same results as women.  But not, as I suspected, the same abuse and threats as women do.

He also managed to gain 800+ followers in 7 days whereas on my main account, I am on just over 500, over a period of 6 months.

I would be interested to see what would happen in other communities.  So far the results in the gun control and gender critical community have been very similar.

To those who followed me, gave me advice, tips and support, I am sorry if you felt deceived.  I hope that you can understand the point of this experiment and that I did not intend to hurt anyone or take advantage.

Signing out now as Jack, returning back to my home at @RipleysChoice.

Man, You Do Not Feel Like A Woman

As a woman, I will never know
what it is to be a man.  How it feels to grow through
puberty as a boy, experience male teenage hormones; how their bodies change;
what it feels like to deal with all of that.   

Likewise, men will never know what
it is to be a woman.  To experience our lives and live as we do.

How it feels when our periods begin
and we start to grow breasts.  How it
feels when the world starts treating you differently because of it.  How our emotions run riot.

The experience of being a man or
woman can be described to you, but you will never truly know or understand,
because it was not your experience.  You
have not felt it.  Lived it.  So how can you truly know?

This is why I can talk about how
it feels to be a woman.   Because I am one. 

Yet now in 2019 we are told that
men can now be “actual born women”. 
Because they feel like or identify as a woman, they are now women.  How can you feel like something you have
never experienced?  That you have no true
knowledge of?

When a transgender woman gets breast augmentation, they see it as way to express their femininity.
Quite frankly though, it is nothing but fakery and bullshit.  Breasts have nothing to do with how feminine you are or feel.

The way that transgender women think about breasts, is how men see and think about breasts.  As sex objects.  They make them feel sexy.  They slap them on their bodies and pretend that this makes them a woman.  They have no idea.



Trans women will never know how it feels to grow breasts at twelve years old and suddenly men are ogling you in the street.  How growing breasts changed you to become something is now regarded as “available”.  On the market.  An object.  Except on the inside, you are still a child who doesn't understand why grown men are whistling and catcalling you in the street.



Trans women can never know or experience what it is like to be told "boys will be boys"when you are sexually assaulted.  In school. Daily.  At fifteen years old.



Trans women are nothing but parodies of what they think women are.  Fake breasts and clothes that look like they are living in a 1980s bordello. 



If trans women actually knew the way that women think, had lived our experiences and had had our bodies, they would not be waltzing into our bathrooms, our changing rooms, our hospital wards and our refuges.  They would understand the fear.  They would understand how unsafe this makes us feel.  Not just how unsafe we feel, but how unsafe we are when put in that situation.



But they don't.    Because they think like men.  They cannot understand that fear.  Because they have never lived it in the same way that women have.



What they are is narcassistic men, who only see what they want and trample over everyone and everything to get it.  All the while sporting a pair of plastic tits and calling themselves a "real woman".



Don't make me laugh.

Removing The Labels That Bind You

I took a long time to find my voice.  To become the having a thousand thoughts and opinions a day kind of person.  

Joining Twitter and starting to write my old blog were both an avenue and arena that I had never experienced before and were in part the catalyst for releasing my voice.  As a result, many thoughts and opinions began to form.  It took a bloody long while to get there, but one thing to know about me is that I can and never will be pushed.  I come to things in my own time.

When I finally found my voice, "the left" seemed to be a natural home for me.  I happily joined the camp of lefties and refused to listen to anyone with the slightest inclination of right leaning thought.  Feminism was another world where I felt at home.  Pro women, pro choice, an easy decision.

But what comes with finding your voice and having a thirst to learn more, is that you begin to question the worlds that you have chosen.  The boxes you have placed yourself in and the boxes that people have put you in.

If you had spoken to me in September last year, I would have described myself as a uber leftie.  An intersectional feminist.  Accepting of all.  The kool aid had been drunk and I was on the party message.

But then.   I began to question the rhetoric.  Ask questions.  Object.  Seeds of doubt about what I thought I believed were planted.



I wonder if Rachel McKinnon realises the amount of people that turned away from intersectionality as a result of them (yes I am being careful) winning that bike race.  The photograph of them standing on the top of the podium.  Clearly male bodied.  Clearly advantaged over the two women who came second and third.  That was the start.



From there, I was like Alice falling round the rabbit hole.  My fall was akin to falling off a cliff and while I grabbed at points of information along the way, by the time I found my feet again, I was a different person; again.



I became irritated by the left who seemed to be becoming more self righteous and controlling by the day.  As I have said in a previous blog post, the presumption of the public and the persona surrounding them has always been that the left are always on the moral side, the side of the people, the right side of history.  The right was always wrong.  So why did I become to feel so stifled?  So controlled?  Wasn't it the right that wanted to control us?



Feminism also began to irritate me.  Specifically the holier than thou way that some went about it.  I cared about women's safety, women's rights, not what a fucking sandwich was called or whether a man opened a door for me was a sign of the patriarchy.



I reached a point where I was no longer a leftie, I was a centrist.  I wasn't sure whether I was still a feminist.  I was gender critical.  That I was certain of.



So from last October when I first started to question everything to know, I was in a state of flux.  I became politically homeless as more and more parties swallowed and spouted out the line that trans women were women.  They are not.  They will never be.



I joined the club of being blocked by Owen Jones (we need a badge of pride I think at this point).



Whilst listening to and learning from many gender critical women, I was also told however that certain people within the movement were not to be listened to.  That they were extremists that would ally themselves to anyone.  But I wanted to listen and make up my own mind.



I was tired of the labels I had both chosen and had been given.  My voice was not being censored, but I was conscious that some of the things I thought were again, would not be acceptable.



I wanted so much to go to the Woman's Place meeting in London.  To see Sharron Davies who I think is fantastic and unafraid in what she says and thinks.  Unfortunately timing issues were not on my side.



But then I saw Make More Noise were holding an event in Manchester.  Talking about the elephant in the room of feminism.  What we did not talk about/enough.  Posie Parker was one of the speakers.  One of the people I had been told not to listen to.  But I wanted to make up my own damn mind.



I really enjoyed her speech.  I also loved the talk by Sarah Phillimore which I understood more from my line of work.



But I was scared to admit that I had attended a talk with Posie involved.  Then I got angry.  I am tired of limiting myself and my experiences.  Who I listen to.  What information I should take from people.



So today, I am removing my labels.  I am politically homeless. Not left, not right, not centrist.  I will viewpoints from all and discard what I don't agree with.  But only after I have listened.  Supporting women, their sex based rights and the rights to their own bodies will always be the line I will stand on.  But I'm taking off the word feminist too.



I am label free other than my biologically fact based description of being an adult human female.



I think I will end my (very long, sorry) blog post with a few things that I believe and all, are a hill I would stand up for and die on.

• Every person is entitled to the same human rights.  No person or group need or deserve more than that.  We don't (yet) live in the equivalent  of Animal Farm.


• Lesbians do not have penises.  


• Biological men do not belong in women's spaces.


• No one under the age of at least 18 should be on hormone altering medication or undergo gender altering surgery.  It is child abuse.


• The state should not be telling parents what sex their child is.


• If you think that you are circumgender trans, you need psychological help, not affirmation.


• If you believe that putting on a dress, having a beard and calling yourself a lesbian is right, again, you need psychological help, not affirmation.


• If you believe that a woman saying no is not allowed because it may hurt your chosen identity feelings, you can frankly, fuck off.

Think I had better stop here.  For now.  More posts to follow.  Thank you, if you got this far, for reading.

It Is Better To Be In the Dark?

*Lengthy post - I think (and learn what I think) while I write sometimes

As we grow older, our thoughts and opinions change and evolve; as we do.

We learn about new subjects and topics.  We educate ourselves on the things that we are interested in.  We may take more interest in the news and current affairs and become more worldly.  

As the years roll on, we learn that the best way to educate yourself on a topic, particularly one that has large numbers of followers on both sides of the equation, like politics for example, is to look at both sides of the argument equally and then make up your own mind.

I recently undertook a political compass test which showed what you associated with politically and was surprised to find that I was much more of a centrist than left wing.

I have to admit that it was not until my early thirties that I became even remotely interested in politics and to be honest, I did not even know what left and right wing even meant.  Since then I joined Twitter.  I educated myself politically.   I learned about feminism, declaring myself one in the process.  This lead me finding out about MRAs, MGTOWs, Red pillers, incels.  Then religion.  Extremists on all sides.  The abortion debate.  It went on and on.

Each new thing that I learned about and discovered sent me down another rabbit hole of discovery.

I believe that it is important for everyone to have at least a basic knowledge of current affairs, what is happening in the world, how you generally lean politically; what is happening in the news.  

The question that I have today however is, has all this knowledge, learning and second by second discussion about everything on platforms like Twitter actually made us happier; or has it affected our lives in a negative way?  

Either way, you can never go back.  You can shut down your social media and stop reading the news, but once that thirst for knowledge and discovery has taken you, it is a hard thing to throw away.

At the moment I feel like we are in such a complicated timeline.  You can be whatever you want to be, identify with what or whomever you wish to be and say it loudly and proudly.  

At the same time however, the language that we use, the thoughts that we have and the opinions we share (whether fact and science based on not) are getting policed more and more each day.  The left wing mantra of "Be who you want to be" now has a double edged sword of "Accept and roll over backwards to accommodate everyone, or you might find the police at your door".

Out of my friends and family, with one exception being the man I am dating, I am the most politically driven, socially aware, opinion driven person in my group of people.  

Whilst having a basic (and frankly enough knowledge that is needed) about what is going on in the world, my friends and family care less and know little about things like feminism and MGTOWs.  They do not argue women's body autonomy rights on the internet nor know anything about the current ongoing battles between women and gender critical feminists versus trans rights activists.  They don't really follow current affairs.

You know what though?  They are happier for it.

I read the news and what is going on in the world each morning and throughout the day.  I am always up to date with what is the current big trend.  Things that make me angry when I hear them, things that make me worry, topics that suddenly everyone has to come out and state where they stand.  Which as said above, can now get you arrested.

Although better informed, I am not happier for having all this knowledge.  Having many opinions and beliefs and arguing/justifying them online has not made me a happier person.  I was happier and freer when I did not engage at all!

Is it better to be in the dark after all?  Or, do we need to better police ourselves at how many times we engage, how many times a day we look at the news, Twitter, etc and when we access these services.  Not first thing in the morning for example.

In the end, I will always want to be informed, I will always engage and I will always say what I think.  So what I need to do, and I suspect many others do too, is to reassess my engagement so that it does not detrimentally affect my life and mental health.

Balance, as well, is the key.

Why I Refuse To Make A New Years Resolution

I don't believe in making resolutions at New Year.  I don't see the point.  Change, if it is something that you really want, comes in its own time and at the right moment.  It cannot be forced.   

What I am doing this year and what I think we all should do, is look back over the past year and look at the positives in it.  Look at the happy moments, look at the things that you have learnt throughout the year, be it about yourself, about others or more about what interests you.

I don't see the point in putting pressure on yourself to lose weight, change your personality, change your love life status, change who you are.  Change, if you wish change at all, has to be organic, natural and must come from the heart.  That is where happiness starts.

What is the point is ending a year telling yourself that you are not good enough?  That you need to change?  Work on yourself and change (if you want it) will happen.  You are always good enough.

There have been changes in me in the past year.  All have taken time, all have come organically through learning, self reflection and thought.  I know myself so much better at the end of this year than at the start of the last.  

These changes in my outlook, personality and life came slowly.   None were planned and as is so important in change, I only realised the difference in myself after the journey.

  

So looking back at the past year, have I changed?  Absolutely.  I have learned things, I have worked on my soul and my mental health.  I am happier.

This is my positivity list for this year.

• I swept away previous bad experiences with online dating and found the courage to try again, being wholly me this time (I had feminist in my description instead of just the usual "friendly, happy, sometimes funny" rubbish).

• I have (with the help of inspiration and motivation of a certain gentleman), embraced the body that I have.  I have explored my sexuality and become a more confident person because of that.

• I have had less and less anxiety and depression issues as the year has progressed because I have looked inward at the causes, the triggers and talked more when the episodes have happened; instead of hiding them away.

• I have debated and talked about my thoughts and stances with others and in some cases, changed what I thought as a result, through learning.  I have grown.  See my post on non platforming

• Though I will always support women, support causes and talk about change and effect for women, I no longer identify as a feminist.  Something I never thought I would say.  This is an ongoing change which may well be reversed in time.  But as it stands, conversation has to be open, not regulated and regimented.

• I am going back to my roots.  I am writing, slowly, more opinion pieces of what I really think.  It is what makes my happy, feeds my soul and helps me to collect my thoughts, my ideals and what I believe.

None of the above could been achieved with a New Year's resolution.  They came through learning, through reflection and through my heart.  

So instead this year, instead of vowing to join a gym, find a boyfriend or change your personality; celebrate you.  Celebrate your achievements, however small, throughout the year. All this "New Year, New You" rubbish is just that, rubbish.  It brings you down, not raises you up.

The most important journey of your life is to learn who you are.  Learn what makes you happy.  That is the best and most significant thing you will ever do.

xxx 

Why I Am Turning Against No Platforming

LONG READ    *Disclaimer - I'm not sure I should give one.  People may have an issue with my thoughts here, but the internet is a place for discourse, so if you don't like them, comment and disagree.  Debate should be what progresses conversations and thoughts.

I have been thinking a lot about non platforming recently and my views have changed.  Do we have the right to be offended by someone's words?  Absolutely.  Do we have the right to vehemently disagree with someone's thoughts and how they express them?  Of course.

But, do we have the right, and should we have the right to stop them speaking?  No.  I don't think we should.  Free speech, provided that it is not inciting and encouraging violence, is something that, in the Western world at least, we are all afforded and should be celebrated.

As the internet has grown over the years, people's voices have grown louder.  Whether you are left, right, centrist; man, woman or child; feminist, anti feminist, MRA or just your garden variety troll; we have all gained a platform to speak.  Whether it be spouting a mini rant on Facebook, 140 characters of your thoughts on Twitter, a lengthy blog post or an hour longYoutube video; there has never been a time in history such as now where we can air our thoughts to the world to such a degree.

My question is, what right do we have to censor speech?  From the point of view I have come to believe, no we don't.  Inciting violence or encouraging violence against others always needs to be dealt with appropriately, but should we stop people from talking about things we don't agree with?

Censorship, non platforming, banning people from social media and places where people can talk openly about their views, only drives those views underground.  The supporters grow in numbers, incensed by the censorship.  Their words grow stronger, get more validation (from those who believe their words) and their voices are amplified, not muted.

There are many people that I disagree with in terms of their views.  But my thoughts lately are that those voices need to be heard.  Not because we agree with them or advocate what they say; but because we need to realise that these people exist, they have followers who believe unequivocally what they say and we NEED to be aware of it.  Those views exist whether we agree with them or not and banning them, I believe, only escalates and elevates those views.

We cannot bubble wrap ourselves against words and thoughts that we do not disagree with.   We need to hear them, sometimes in order to protect ourselves.  

Non platforming for me needs to be dealt with on a case by case basis and viewed in terms of, is this inciting violence or do we just disagree with them.  

For me for example, Alex Jones, crossed the line between free speech that we completely disagree with and find despicable (his views on Sandy Hook) and his recent speech telling his supporters to get their battle rifles ready against Antifa and the mainstream media.  

I, of course, am completely against his views on Sandy Hook.  But thoughts on a something, however unbelievable and abhorrent we think of them, versus an active "call to arms" is different.  That is actively inciting violence.  He deserved to be banned, in my opinion, for his call to arms.  His views and conspiracy theories on Sandy Hook, don't cross the line on free speech; but what it does highlight and publicise what an utter asshole he is, as it does for those who believe in what he said.

What started my thinking about free speech and non platforming is something that someone said to me recently.  At the moment, we live, in the Western world, in a fairly left thinking world.  We non platform hate speech.  But the far right, as we are seeing more and more, is picking up speed in a frightening fast pace.  

Think about it.  The wannabe neo Nazis.  The people who support the man who killed Jo Cox or the guy who drove into a crowd of Muslims who were leaving a mosque with the defence of "revenge".  Revenge for what?  Do we blame every Catholic for the thousands of boys raped by priests?  For the thousands of women imprisoned for decades in the Magadelene laundries?  I digress.  

The people who think like Katie Hopkins that refugees are cockroaches.  The people who think that rights to a woman's body should be legislated by a man.  Those who believe that white people are better than others.  Those who think that The Handmaid's Tale isn't necessarily a bad thing.  The incels who want to kill women who won't sleep with them.  The list goes on and on and on and they all exist.

Now imagine, and it isn't hard to do given the current climes, that people like this got into power.  Suddenly the people talking about left wing views, pro immigration, pro choice etc are the ones getting banned, non platformed and their voices shut down.  Their justification?  You did it to us.  That is all that they would need.

For me, ultimately, on my last, very long point here, is that we need to hear all opinions, all thoughts (unless as I said before, they actively are inciting violence), in order to formulate our own thoughts, disagree with them, actively speak against them and sometimes, laugh at them for what they think because their thoughts are so far from our own that their views become laughable.

If we lose our right to free speech, we lose everything.

Why I'm Sick Of Rules For Women

So I saw this today about women preventing rape and my brain exploded with rage.  I am so sick of women being blamed for their rapes, not being believed, treated abominably in Court by defence barristers and most of all, the rules that we are apparently supposed to follow in order to avoid being raped.

The thing is, these rules seem to change by the day and completely contradict each other.  Examples:

1. Wear nail polish and stick our fingers in drinks to make sure we don't get spiked.
2. Wear chastity belts, oh no sorry they are calling them anti rape underwear.
3. Don't wear "provocative clothing". Leave something to the imagination they tell us.  What do you think we have hiding under our clothes, the bridge to Terabithia?
4. Don't wear headphones in public. 
5. Walk in pairs (if you don't have a friend handy, grab the hand of the nearest woman)
6. Don't get drunk, even in your own home.

However, 

1. Talk back to the fella following you on the street. Poor fella just wants a date, why are you being so rude?
2. Say thanks when a man catcalls you.  He probably spent at least a second thinking up such an original compliment as "Hey sugar tits".  Be grateful!
3. Don't walk down the street with your keys in your fingers. Don't you trust us? Not all men!
4. Do have a relationship with a guy friend because he fancies you. He put kindness coins in after all! He's a nice guy, you're not allowed a type!

No sweetie, he isn't dangerous, he is wearing face fashion!

Most importantly, do not under any circumstrances suggest that rapists are the ones responsible for rape because you will then drown in a sea of "not all men"! This also completely ignores that men get raped too.

Have I got it all?  Because I am sick of women being blamed for crimes committed against them.  

5 Things To Do Every Day To Feel Empowered

The process of spotting fear and refusing to obey it, is the source of all true empowerment.

- Martha Beck

Feeling empowered is one of the greatest feelings in the world. As women, we should always feel strong and in control. But feeling empowered can be hard to master and sometimes we need a little help.

One of the (probably first) ways that I actively empowered myself was when I was invited to an overnight blogger event in London. I was terrified. A combination of my social anxiety and the worry about having to travel and traverse London on my own was daunting. Not to mention a social gathering with nobody that I knew.

What I did to combat this was to break everything down into sections, Meticulously planning the travel arrangements and times. I printed out the route from Manchester to London so I knew what stops I would go through. I had a map of how to get from the tube station to my hotel. My subway passes were purchased ahead of time. I contacted someone who said that they were going to the event to meet up outside of the event. I planned each step of the journey and event and made them into sections. After each section was completed, my confidence grew more and more.

Empowering yourself is a process and some of the things we do each day can contribute to that feeling. Here are some ideas that could help you to feel empowered:

Don't Be Afraid To Promote Yourself
Every one of us has a skill of some sort. The problem is that many of us like to hide our talents under a bushell instead of promoting and using what we have. Each time I write and share a blog post I feel proud of myself for doing it and simultaneously slightly guilty for putting myself forward. To counter that, I push forward a little more.

Do A Form Of Exercise You Like

Exercise can help you to de-stress, as well as feel stronger and happier. People look at exercise all wrong, and think that it’s for those who want to shed the pounds. Instead, look at it as a way to make you feel like your best self. I love to walk my dog Simba after work when I come home. It is just me, my little puppa and my thoughts. It invigorates my mind and is something I really enjoy.

Dress However You Like

Don’t listen to anybody who says you can’t wear what you want. Wake up in the morning and put something on that makes you happy, whether it’s a crop top that shows off your curves or a pair of ridiculous trousers that brighten up your day!

My sense of style breaks "the fat rules" in that I do not conform. I wear a busy, bright patterned dress every single day. It is part of who I am and gives me a sense of self.

Affirmations
When I know that I am going to have a particularly trying week at work or I have organised a night out that I am nervous about due to my social anxiety, I set up reminders on my phone to hit me just at the right moment.  Just simple phrases.  You can do this.  You are enjoying yourself, just take a moment.  You are enough.  You know that you can do this.  It may feel silly at first but it really does work.


Empowering yourself does not happen overnight, but step by step, section by section, you will one day feeling like the confident women you always knew you were.  

Take A Selfie

A selfie is a signal that we want to be seen, that we feel confident. Whether you’re taking a picture of your makeup masterpiece or the incredible outfit you’ve put together that day, just do it! Take that selfie, take a thousand of them.  Embrace that face that is uniquely yours and recognise the beauty within it.  For tips of how to take that perfect selfie, check out the selfie guide

Credit to Mary at MyTrendyPhone.co.uk

Why I'm Done With Online Dating

* This is a bit of a read

I never thought that online dating was for me.  I always wanted that chance meeting in a coffee shop, eyes meeting across the street; a friend that turned into the one you love.  That never happened for me and I decided what the hell?  Give online dating a whirl.

 

Tinder was never going to be for me,  The idea of swiping left or right (I never figured out which way was which) just on the basis of someone's face seemed superficial to me.  If you are looking for a partner, it has to be based on personality too.  This is a person you are, hopefully, going to spend the rest of your life with.  Tinder is for hook ups, nothing more.

My commitment to online dating was dubious at best so I chose a free dating site, Plenty of Fish.  I filled out my profile, was as honest as I could be and added the photos.  I decided in advance that the "Hi" messages were not going to get a reply. The people with the "fill out later" profiles were of no interest.

I have had more "Hi"s than I can count.  Some with more of a reply who were basically looking for a hook up.  Some who blatantly copied and pasted their auto first message.  I lost interest and only went on the site now and again.

I met my first online date after weeks of talking and finding more about each other.  He seemed like a nice guy and was really into me, which is always good.  I will call him T.  We lived over an hour away from each other but he was happy to come to me, which was a good sign.  We met in a local pub and within the first five minutes he was telling me that he had very severe anger issues and had been referred to a psychiatrist.  Great.

We messaged a few times after but I had no interest in meeting again.  I had no desire to have any kind of relationship with someone with anger issues.  The anger issues came out when I told him I could no longer commit to messaging him as my step dad had died.  He went ballistic.  Goodbye.

I went on the site less and less, dabbling occasionally on weekends but the messages I received were still the usual.  I went on a few more dates but there was a mutual no "click".  Then I got a message from, we will call him S.  S sent a great first message and his profile, actually filled out for a change was interesting.

We talked for around three weeks, first on the site and then moving to WhatsApp.  We had similar interests, a similar outlook on life and I really liked him.  We agreed to meet in Manchester which was a middling distance between us.

On the Saturday before our mid week date, I realised that there was something inaccurate on my profile; namely that when I created it, I was not smoking and now I am (yes  I know, bad Vicky).  I thought it was only fair that I let S know this in case he changed his mind about wanting to meet with me.

S was the kind of person who was texting me morning, noon and night, every day. If he didn't hear back from me after an hour, he would send another text to see what I was doing.  *Edit* on reading this paragraph after I typed it, I realised just how much of a red flag that is, and wonder how the hell I didn't think that at the time.

I did not hear back from him for the rest of the day, which was unusual for him but I figured maybe he wasn't into a smoker.

Just after midnight (when he starts his night shift) I got my first message.  Incensed that I had not told him previously, not believing that I did not know what my profile said as "he knew what was on his profile, every minute of the day!.  He demanded that I explained myself.

I responded, telling me I wouldn't be spoken to like that, especially after being honest.  I said that I no longer wished to meet and, not knowing how best to end the message, finished with "take care". Turns out that telling someone to take care is not the best idea.

From just after midnight to the time when I eventually blocked him completely at 3.30am, he proceeded to call me every variation of the whore that he could think of.  A "man like him would not be told to take care by a girl like me" apparently.

I don't know how many messages I received.  One probably every five minutes for a good three hours.  By the end, the combination of insults and thinly veiled (almost) threats, I was scared.  What I should have done is save the conversation, screenshot the worst of it and ring 101 the next day.  Hell, I could even have reported him to his employers considering that he was doing all of this on work time.

But I didn't think.  I was scared.  The level of rage directed at me was overwhelming and I will be honest,  I felt really scared for a few days.  Even though he knew what town I lived in but not my address, I found myself jumping at sounds outside when I let the dog outside.  He was a self professed "techie" and he knew I blogged.

Along with blocking him on WhatsApp and blocking him from POF, I also deleted my profile.  It is too easy to hide your true self on the internet.  I know that my personality is more exaggerated on the internet when I talk on Twitter or speak on my blog.  Because on here, I am unfiltered.  This goes the same for people who wish to hide their true selves.

I consider myself as having a lucky escape.  If I had not messaged him that day, I would have met up with him the following week.  If we had clicked,  I could have found out his true self when alone with him, heaven forbid at his place or somewhere on our own.

So I am done with online dating.  My match, my soul match if I ever find one will have to find me in pre internet ways.  I no longer trust the face on the internet.