Saying Goodbye To My Thirties

*Long read

So here it is.  The last day of my thirties.  Tomorrow, I will be 40 years old.

40 doesn't sound like something that should apply to me.  It so old.  Middle aged.   Oh Jesus.....

40 sounds like a person who knows what they are doing, more adult than I sometimes feel.  When a problem arises I still sometimes look around the room for an adult.  Someone more adult than I.  So, not like I have a choice in the matter, I am ready to be 40?

Yes, I think that I am.

The past two decades have not been easy, especially between my mid twenties and early thirties.  I had no confidence, I lived in a sea of black clothing and had little self worth.  I went in and out of depression and anxiety and sometimes, felt so sad that I wondered what the point of it all was.

Feelings of happiness, passion and hope seemed to be watered down and only on the occasional day did glimpses of them appear.  An emotional blunting or dulling of effect.

Certain people blazed a trail through my life like a shooting star.  All bright and beautiful till it crashes and burns.  Others disappointed me and abused my trust more than words can say.

That isn't to say that I did not also have fun over those years.  I had lots.  But I knew that I was not the person that I was supposed to be.  I was masked.  A fog covered me.

But then.  I started to write.  I found Twitter and found a voice that I never knew that I had.  A voice that was hidden on the internet so I was free to say what I wanted.  But I was still shy.  Still scared.

Then I started to blog.  I found plus size bloggers and found a world of colour and confidence that exploded my mind.  Fat women, like me, who wore colour and pattern.  They were self assured, knew who they were; they had confidence and sass.  Everything that I wanted.  I vowed to change.

This review was my first outing as a plus size blogger.  I cannot tell you how many photographs were taken and discarded.  How times I wrote the post and published, only to delete, rewrite, edit and publish again.

My confidence grew.  I grew to love pattern and found my confidence.

I did a photo shoot (cue moody pout).  I modeled (Can you see the smile?  That was happiness right there.)  Still not sure about that jumper though haha

I went from someone who actively hid from the camera, to someone who loves a good selfie.  I became more confident and with that, I got angry.

In the past few years, my focus has changed from the confidence in what I look like and the image that I present to the world, to what I think and what I say.  My blog pieces have become more serious and focused.  My voice on Twitter has expanded and I no longer am afraid to say anything that I think.  This has both lost and gain followers.  I care not.

I quit smoking 2 months ago.  Whether coincidence or not, the emotional blunting that I have experienced for so many years has gone.  I feel all the good.  The happiness I now have in my life, the joy, the expectation, the hope.  The excitement for the future.

I went on a spa day today with my best friend.  Someone who has been my best friend since I was 15 years old.  She has been there through every up and down, every high and every low.  She has seen the best and the worst in me.

She has seen all the recent changes in me over the recent years in confidence, in clothing, in what I say and what I share and think.  But she told me today that finally, after so long, she is now seeing the person that she first met, all those years ago.  Free, confident, happy, expectant, hopeful and most importantly, completely and utterly myself, without the fog that has covered me for so long.

I am back to myself again.  I would say that that is a damn good way to start your 40s.  Wouldn't you?

Why I Refuse To Make A New Years Resolution

I don't believe in making resolutions at New Year.  I don't see the point.  Change, if it is something that you really want, comes in its own time and at the right moment.  It cannot be forced.   

What I am doing this year and what I think we all should do, is look back over the past year and look at the positives in it.  Look at the happy moments, look at the things that you have learnt throughout the year, be it about yourself, about others or more about what interests you.

I don't see the point in putting pressure on yourself to lose weight, change your personality, change your love life status, change who you are.  Change, if you wish change at all, has to be organic, natural and must come from the heart.  That is where happiness starts.

What is the point is ending a year telling yourself that you are not good enough?  That you need to change?  Work on yourself and change (if you want it) will happen.  You are always good enough.

There have been changes in me in the past year.  All have taken time, all have come organically through learning, self reflection and thought.  I know myself so much better at the end of this year than at the start of the last.  

These changes in my outlook, personality and life came slowly.   None were planned and as is so important in change, I only realised the difference in myself after the journey.

  

So looking back at the past year, have I changed?  Absolutely.  I have learned things, I have worked on my soul and my mental health.  I am happier.

This is my positivity list for this year.

• I swept away previous bad experiences with online dating and found the courage to try again, being wholly me this time (I had feminist in my description instead of just the usual "friendly, happy, sometimes funny" rubbish).

• I have (with the help of inspiration and motivation of a certain gentleman), embraced the body that I have.  I have explored my sexuality and become a more confident person because of that.

• I have had less and less anxiety and depression issues as the year has progressed because I have looked inward at the causes, the triggers and talked more when the episodes have happened; instead of hiding them away.

• I have debated and talked about my thoughts and stances with others and in some cases, changed what I thought as a result, through learning.  I have grown.  See my post on non platforming

• Though I will always support women, support causes and talk about change and effect for women, I no longer identify as a feminist.  Something I never thought I would say.  This is an ongoing change which may well be reversed in time.  But as it stands, conversation has to be open, not regulated and regimented.

• I am going back to my roots.  I am writing, slowly, more opinion pieces of what I really think.  It is what makes my happy, feeds my soul and helps me to collect my thoughts, my ideals and what I believe.

None of the above could been achieved with a New Year's resolution.  They came through learning, through reflection and through my heart.  

So instead this year, instead of vowing to join a gym, find a boyfriend or change your personality; celebrate you.  Celebrate your achievements, however small, throughout the year. All this "New Year, New You" rubbish is just that, rubbish.  It brings you down, not raises you up.

The most important journey of your life is to learn who you are.  Learn what makes you happy.  That is the best and most significant thing you will ever do.

xxx 

Happy New Year!

I am writing this blog to you sat in my room in a house in Kendal with the same friends that I go on holiday with each New Year.

Times change, the world turns, lives move in different directions but in the end, we all remain the same to each other.  Friends that have stood the test of time.  We are all different in many ways, but the bond we have holds us together and I hope always will.

I am never more myself than I am with these people.  This time together at New Year is like a long slow exhale, my shoulders relax to a point where I realise how tense they were before; I am silly and happy.

We all revert to the same college years mentality, despite never actually all going to school together.  Sharing a meal, arguing about what film we want to watch next, throwing death stars at each other after one too many beers.

Death stars by the way is a game we came up with during our New Year break a couple of years ago.  Freezing the chocolates of the Quality Street box that you don't like and then throwing them at each other.  Like I said, reverting to college years mentality.

These people accept me for who I am.  They do not want to change me nor want me to change.  

Every year we hear so much about New Years resolutions.  They all revolve around changing yourself in some way.  Whether it be stopping smoking or losing weight; changing our character and resolving to be "a better you".  What is a better you exactly?  What is wrong with the way you are now?

There is nothing wrong with making these resolutions but it is important that you are wanting to make these changes for the right reasons.  Are you happy in yourself or it is society or those around you that think that these changes need to be made?

Changes have to be made when you are ready to make them, should they need to be made in the first place.  I plan to stop smoking next year.  This is not a New Year resolution.  It is plan that I intend to implement at a point that I am ready to do so.  

There is nothing like the pressure of feeling like you have to accomplish or start something by a certain date to put you off completely.

How about this for for New Years resolutions that we all need at some point?  Be good to yourself.  Remind yourself to put yourself first more.  Realise that although bad things can happen, you have been through bad times before and you have got through them.  You will get through them again.

Cherish your family and friends.  Bring yourself closer to the people who love you for the way you are, not the ones who wish to change you.  Realise that some relationships cannot be saved and move on.  

I wish you all a very happy New Years Eve and a very happy 2017.

Vicky xx