Embracing You

I saw a quote by Hugh Laurie this week that really struck a chord with me.

That is what I think about confidence.  If I had a pound for every time during my life that I have thought "When I am older, I'll be confident then" or "Maybe I would be confident if I were to change x, y and z about myself" then I would probably be a billionaire today.

NO.  Strive for confidence now.  DO NOT WAIT.

You can your whole life thinking "If only I was thinner, taller; prettier, then I will be happy", or, alternatively, you can live your life and be happy.  But how?

How do you suddenly become confident?  Well the answer is, at least it was for me, is that confidence is not an instant thing.  It takes work.  It is a journey.  You are constantly learning.  You will have off days.  But they are just bumps in a very long road that has your happiness at the end of it.

The trick for me, was to start small.  What do you think will improve your confidence?  Do you love fashion?  Start with that.  Do you love makeup? Play around.  For me, in a wardrobe full of black, it started with colourful shoes.

Next, the wardrobe.  I knew I loved colour and pattern, but going there was a long journey.  But one day....

This next photo took so much confidence, you can see the trepidation on my face.  The fear.  But I did it.  Which led me to, a couple of months ago wandering round a spa in this swimsuit without a care in the world.

 One thing that really helped me with my confidence was to do a photo shoot.  This was arranged by the utterly fabulous Pamper & Curves.  Betty Pamper was running a vintage style photoshoot and I jumped at the chance.  You can see the pictures from the shoot in the link above, but this is a selfie I took between shots.  I felt beautiful.  It was a cornerstone of finding my confidence.

But it isn't just about makeup and clothes.  Who are you?  Who is that person that you have been hiding beneath your under confident self?  Who is the person that your friends have seen glimpses of and know is there, even if you don't.

Use your voice.  Think about what drives you, what you are passionate about and start speaking out.  Be present.  You are allowed to have an opinion if you want it.  

It took a long time for me to realise that the size of my body and the way I looked did not mean that I was not entitled to speak my mind.  I realised that being fat was only a very small part of who I was.  I began to embrace the outside, love it, but also, let the real me out.  The one talking to you now.

I have seen and spoken to people who are much older in years than I who never found their confidence.  They waited for that lightening bolt that never happened.  Because you have to make it happen.

They say that a journey starts with a single step.  I say that it starts with the second step.  The first step is the want.  The second step is the drive to move forward.

Where will your journey take you?  Take that first and second step.  It is worth it.  It is beyond worth it.

Still Scared

Why does the journey never end? I really thought that I had cracked the confidence thing.  I have confidence in who and what I am now and I feel so much better for it.  I have torn down so many of the walls that I built around me and yet this week, I have discovered another.  An invisible double strength wall guarded by an armada. 

 

What I have realised is that when it comes to the opposite sex, I am still that scared insecure girl who wants to hide.

 

The problem is that I am too used to men wanting me but keeping me in the shadows.  Fancying me but yet denying me in public.  Being with me but trying to justify it to others. I allowed it to happen for so long that it feels like the norm and now I eye every guy with suspicion, no matter what the circumstances.

 

Right now for example I'm talking to a guy via text. It's a friend thing, a reconnection and nothing more and yet I keep saying to him, but have you read my blog?  Not because I want him to read my writing but to make sure that he knows what I look like.  I realised that I was doing this the other night and it freaked me the hell out.

I should say at this point that he has been nothing but nice to me either. 

 

I'm happy in so many ways now, I can take anything that society throws at me, except it seems when it comes to men.

 

I'm aware how utterly ridiculous this sounds.  If I saw any of the other bloggers I read saying this I would be shouting "But you're so pretty, don't be silly!" from the rooftops at them.  But when I apply that to myself and then connect it to men and suddenly I am running for cover, wanting to hide.

Do you remember me the post I did about the invisible "fuck off" sign on my head?  Well it appears that it is still there.....
 

Is it too late to make a New Year's resolution?  Stop putting myself down, even unconsciously....  The only problem in the equation is me, I know that. 

I am more than this.   My image is all over my blog, I have a million "selfie" pictures on Instagram, I've walked down a bloody catwalk FFS!!
 

I refuse to be so scared that I am making sure a guy friend has seen my picture before feeling comfortable enough to have a conversation.  That is just ridiculous.

 

I think I should retitle this blog post, "Dear Vicky, Stop Being An Idiot".

Creative Corner 3

The creative writing prompt was very short this time - just two words:

A Step

You know that saying "Every journey starts with a single step" ?  Well not to be disagreeable, but I believe that every true journey starts with the second step.

The first step is done hesitantly, with caution.  You can, and frequently do take the step back.  From the simplest thing of reading the synopsis of a book before you start reading it to choosing a different path that your life will take, that first step is always an exploratory one.

You may make hundreds, if not thousands of those first steps in your life.  A quick decision that you instantly change your mind on, an idea that you want to carry out but are still unsure; the new direction you want to take, but don't yet have the courage for.

The second step however, that is decisive.  You have made the choice, committed to it and you are going forward.  The second step is the one that is the hardest to take.  It shows that you are resolute in what you want, and you are going after it.

No one remembers the first step.  But the second, where the real action takes place, that is where the interesting things happen.