Owning Your Body Image

Body image.  The way that we see ourselves is ruled by both the distorted vision of what we think we look like in our head and also by what society has told us that we should look like.  

Ask any woman what she likes about her face or body and I guarantee that in the majority, you will be waiting longer for an answer than if you had asked what she disliked.   The thing is though; your imperfections and the differences between your face and body to the people around you are what make you special.  It just takes a long time to figure that out and some of us never do.

I have always struggled with the way I look.  I could give you a catalogue of things that I don’t like about myself: wonky eyebrows, too fat; waist too short; breasts too big etc etc.  I always presumed that because of these things that I was automatically unattractive to the opposite sex and have worked on that presumption for as long as I can remember.

Every person on the planet looks different to the rest which is a good thing and is something to be celebrated.  Each of us has our own distinctive look, just as each of us have our own personal preference for what we find attractive in others.

The underlying truth of it all is that confidence is the most attractive thing you can have.  Whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, blonde or brunette; if you have confidence, you are already there.

One thing that I have been thinking about recently though are the judgements that we place on people who have confidence, but want to change or tweak certain things. Somehow, if you say that you own the way that you look, you are beholden (by some) to maintain that and never change. But isn't that still pandering to the majority and not being true to yourself?

For example, I like my eyebrows as they are when filled in a little, but I have also been thinking about microblading. I mentioned this to someone and I received a ten minute lecture about how people who say that they are confident in themselves but then undergo a procedure are frauds. They are my eyebrows dude, chill.

Say you knew someone who had really bad acne, could you really judge them for considering laser acne scar treatments? I know someone who suffers really badly from acne scarring. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is confident and outgoing, but is also thinking of having laser treatment as she hates wearing a lot of foundation every day. She tells me it would add to her confidence. Does this change the way that I think about her? Of course not.

Confidence is an attitude. A state of mind. Something that you can work towards and choose. You are in charge of your body, your confidence and your self worth. I own the way that I look, whether I choose to tweak it, change it or stay exactly the same.

If you let others dictate when you are allowed to feel confident, you are not quite there yet. But you will be.

*Collaborative post

The Disabled Overweight (And Why We’re Not Unicorns)

Today on the blog I have the lovely Hazel guest posting for me from Frocktopus.  Hazel is talking today about size shaming and the disabled overweight.  This is a fantastic read and I am so pleased that she agreed to post for me.

As much as I don’t want to believe it, unicorns don’t exist. The nine year old inside me is crying just typing that. I on the other hand do exist, and as much as we all like to feel a little like we’re special snowflakes, there are literally millions of people just like me on this planet - I’m overweight and I’m disabled.

I’m writing about these things for the ever fabulous curved opinion today because this blog is all about body positivity and Vicky has written some amazing posts about the plus sized movement, which sadly goes hand in hand with talking about size shaming.

Often I’m essentially excused from size shaming, not because I’m of average BMI (on my scale of awesome fictional characters from Flat Stanley to Jabba the Hutt I happily sit just shy of Vicar of Dibley) but because I’m disabled. A fact people seem to forget when vilifying under/overweight people.

“That’s me!” I shout.

“Not you, you’re exempt” they blush. “Besides I don’t think of you as fat”

some of the nicer friends say.

“Do one” I say, hitting the Facebook block button, passive aggressive as ever.

These are people that would, quite rightly, be in uproar if someone said “But you can’t help being black” or “But I don’t think of you as a woman.” These are not valid excuses people, if you’re going to make sweeping statements and presumptions about a subset or society, it’s a good idea to stop, look left and right then think, can these people be expected to live up to my ideals, and should they be expected to?

Shaming people on the basis that 'people can do stuff but they won’t' is presuming you know someone's situation better than they themselves (something I regularly try to check with my ‘Am I being a dick?' filter.) Not everyone is able to cook healthy food, eat healthy food and exercise regularly enough to be an ideal weight. 

If you’re thinking a group of people aren’t doing something they should, it’s probably a good idea to take into account the subsets of that group that sometimes cannot physically do those things, be it by poverty, carpophobia or disability.

Another often touted belief is 'It’s wrong to have an unhealthy role model'. This is not only saying large swathes of disabled people can’t have a role model, it’s saying large swathes of disabled people can’t BE a role model, which is discrimination by omission (a law/rule/belief that isn’t specifically aimed at a subset of people but accidentally persecutes them more than average, for example losing job security for taking long periods of time off work discriminates parents by omission.) 

It’s important for all people to have someone that can make them feel like they aren’t a freak and that they can accomplish something great, whether that’s being an Olympian or getting out of your PJs by noon (FYI I am in my PJs at 11am writing this, I bet Tess Holiday’s in a fucking power suit by this time of day). 

This attitude towards over/underweight disabled people is not only pretty discriminatory but I do not believe it’s about health. Size shaming often masquerades as concern for health but it’s only a small portion of apparent health people can see on the surface.

Whilst I’ve been told probably over a hundred times in my life that I’m overweight, I have never once had someone in the street yell "Oi, Your blood sugar is low”. There are many ways people can be healthy and unhealthy (for example I’m teetotal) but there is an inordinate emphasis on extremes of weight due to societies revulsion.

Phobia and revulsion are very closely linked psychologically, that’s why when you have blood taken you’re sometimes asked to lay down on a table, because if you’re scared you don't faint, if you do it’s due to revulsion, even though the mind computes them both as the same thing. and what is concern? Come on, you know where I’m going with this, fear for another person. 

So body shamers,  we know you care, it’s just we don’t need your compassion/revulsion. What we need is for you to stop and think “Is this discrimination by omission?" "Am I presuming people I know someone's situation more than they do?" Am I being a dick? 

Breaking All the Rules

Are you tired of being told that you and your life doesn’t fit the mould that society expects?  I know that I am.  Being expected to look a certain way, act a certain way; have all the same views as others; to “fit in”.   I have HAD IT. 

It is a pack mentality; the trouble being that the pack is far too large with too many commentators.  Any individuality you possess can be crushed under the weight of it.  The mob (aka Daily Mail readers and their ilk) will criticise you for any breaks of the rules that they perceive to be set in stone.

So what rules of society do I break? 

• I am still single in my thirties.
• I don’t have children (nor do I want them)
• I am fat and happy. 
• I don’t dress the way that many deem that I should.
• I am not afraid to say what I think when I am passionate about something.
• I have no inclination to “fit it” for the sake of it.  

 What society would tell me that I am, gleaned from this list is that: 

• I am left on the shelf
• I’m lying to myself about not wanting children but everyone does
• I am fat and thereby it is inconceivable that I could be happy
• I am wearing clothes they don’t want to see me in
• I am too outspoken.

I don’t care. 

Life is about choice, not conformity and the fact that I don’t fit into society’s little “how to be” box no longer bothers me. 

My ducks will never be all lined neatly in a row.  I don’t even have any damn ducks; although I do aim to dress like a peacock.  My path in life is not straight and clear; it is winding with complicated intersections and although I have fallen off it at times; it has always been there to take me in another direction.

One day I would like to meet someone to share the rest of my days with, to get married and be happy.  That day will either come or it won’t, but I won’t think that my life is ruined if it doesn’t happen.   I am not “left on the shelf” because I was never for sale.

Today is the day that I choose to stop listening to society.  I will no longer read the Daily Fail which is full of nothing but hatred, body snarking and vile views.  I will no longer judge myself as society says that I should, just because I am single.  I will no longer let others views affect how I lead my life nor have an impact on how happy I am.

I will skip down the path that is growing day by day under my feet.  I have no idea where it leads but one thing I do know is that I am going to make damn sure that the journey is fun.