Waiting for The One

 

I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with much later than normal.  Although, what is normal?  In my case, I was 39.  So yes, much later than the average let us say.

I spent years of my life having no confidence, no self worth.  Having a meaningful relationship with someone is not really possible or at least certainly not healthy when you feel this way about yourself.  I met men here and there of course and had a few short relationships, but nothing that I would have called one that would last.

I always knew the kind of man that I wanted to be with.  Although I did not visualise him in my head other than the usual kind of physical attributes that you find attractive, in my case a good smile and taller than me; I knew the type of man that I felt would be the one.  I somehow felt that there was just the one person for me, somewhere.

My lack of confidence aside, I also knew that this was something that I would not be willing to compromise on.  I was prepared to walk alone on the winding path of my life forever if I did not find him.  Nearing 39, I had reached a point where I knew that this was likely to be the case.

This is something that the people around me I think found hard to understand.  I wanted a relationship, wanted to be with someone.  I wanted desperately to fall in love, but I also knew in myself, somehow, that that one person would just come along and I would know.  A fool’s wish you may say.  Unrealistic expectations that would more than likely not be realised.

Looking back now, I realise that I would have been ready for a proper relationship much earlier than when I found him.  I worked on myself for years, finding my confidence, my self worth, my voice.  Being happy in who and what I was, was only a recent thing.

I do believe in fate, in the right timing and in trusting your gut.  So you can appreciate, or maybe you can’t, that it felt like the stars aligned when I found myself, and then found him.

I had been on a couple of dates in the months previous, each of them ending with me running for the hills.  One who admitted on the date that he was diagnosed with severe anger issues and was seeing a Psychiatrist about his violent behaviour and the other who was just, very very odd.  Absolutely not my type, or my kind of odd (aren’t we all looking for our particular brand of crazy?).

I then started talking to this man online and from the beginning I had butterflies.  He was handsome, but more than that he was interesting.  He had thoughts about a million different subjects.  He intrigued me in a way that I never have been before.  

We had our first date and no alarm bells rang.  He was as interesting in person as his messages and I found him extremely attractive.  The butterflies grew in size.  I was cautious about my heart and wary about getting too excited, but after a few dates with this man, I could not help myself.  

Still I exercised caution.  My problem has always been that I give my heart away when I should not.  The only man that I had really loved before was a massive mistake.  A friend.  Someone who I tried to morph myself into being the person that he would want.  He didn't.   In hindsight he was also not the right person for me.  At all.  In fact I don't think that he would like the person that I am now.  That thought amuses me.

When I give my heart, you get all of it.  I am like the Oodkind from Doctor Who.  I hold my heart in my hand and I offer it completely.   I knew that if I fell for this man I had just met as I knew I was doing, he would have my whole heart.  Not something that you should trifle with or give away lightly.

We really spent our time getting to know each other.  He said that he had not been looking for a relationship, having only got out of a long term relationship 6 months earlier.  But then, as he said, he found me.  We found each other.

Nearly 6 years on, I write this with a smile on my face.  I look at my phone which has his picture saved on my home screen and every time, my face lights up.  He is, without a shadow of a doubt, the man that I was waiting for.

I am the ying to his yang and together, we have both found a happiness that neither thought was possible.  He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he encourages me and we talk about so much, all of the time.  I found my peace and my joy with him.  He tells me that no one has ever loved him like I do. I feel the same.  

He was worth the wait.  I also, as I said before, believe that I would not have been ready myself for this relationship until the time we met.  Every thing I went through in my life, every journey, every voyage of discovery I took within myself led me to him.

I look forward to spending my forever with this man and I forever grateful that I trusted my gut that told me that one day, he would arrive.

Here's to love.

Celebrating The Quiet Ones

Six years ago, practically to the day, I wrote about the shiny people that pass through your life.

You know the kind of people I mean.  The ones that shine so bright in your eyes that they seem to attract the sun itself.  They sparkle (in a non Twilight vampire kind of way). They are the ones who flit around, directly their "in favour spotlight" on person after person, who each falls in love with their shine, only to then be left in the cold.

You can spend years without realising with these people in your circles, having once or twice experienced that glow and (most of the time unconsciously) seeking it out again at all costs, like an addict craves heroine. 

They are the human equivalent of Fool's Gold.  They do not provide you with real love or friendship other than what they want to offer.

I have had two of those shiny kind of people in my life, one of whom broke my heart and inspired my original blog post.  Looking back in retrospect, I broke my own heart.  He was never mine and he never loved me.  He loved my love for him.  I wasted far too many years pining for something that didn't exist.

Today however, I want to talk about the quiet people in your life.  

You do not  have to have the loudest voice or the biggest personality to have a major impact on someone's life.  Sometimes it is the quiet, unassuming people that are a constant in your life that you will always carry in your heart.

Four years ago today, we lost my wonderful step dad.  He was more than I could ever have hoped for.

When I lost my own dad at eight, I knew that no one could ever replace him.  When my mum married a year later to this nice man with the kind eyes who seemed to adore my mum, I was still understandably wary.

Yet he never tried to be my dad.  He just immediately and forever treated me like his own daughter.  He was a quiet man with not too much to say.  He was laid back, so much so we used to joke he should have wheels on his head.

He would have done anything for me and I knew that I could always count on him.  I never called him dad.  He understood why.  But I loved him like he was.  He was my H and I knew he would have stepped in front of a truck for me. 

What I remind myself of constantly now is to remember the people that stay with you.  They quietly walk by your side and stand by you.  They are the most important people that will be in your life, when all the glitter and sparkle is put aside.

We must always remember not to take advantage of their good nature, and take the time to thank them.

Thank you H.  You meant the world to me.

Romantic Destinations

When you think of romantic destinations to visit with your partner, where do you think of?  A romantic weekend in Paris or Florence perhaps?  A week in New York might encourage a dozen romantic moments; a walk in Central Park, a jazz club with cocktails and dimmed nights at 1am...

For a longer stay, perhaps a honeymoon or anniversary visit, I always think of an island, a beach, turquoise waters and just you and your partner.   For me, that place is Mauritius. 

Mauritius is the perfect destination for a long haul getaway with your love and Destination2 has some amazing places that you can stay on the island.  You can visit the website here.  

Whether you want to do nothing but lie on an idyllic beach and have a dip in the crystal clear waters or whether you want an excursion or two, Mauritius has everything that you could want.

Perhaps a romantic horse ride on the beach at sunset or maybe a diving experience in a submarine underwater trip?

You can also visit Des Deux Cocos which is a private island only a five minute boat ride away from Mauritius where you can experience the feeling of perfectly alone together, in a setting that is nothing short of paradise.

Don't think however that Mauritius is only beautiful beaches, there is a life and a beat to Mauritius that you have to experience.  How about a visit to Le Caudan waterfront in St Louis where you can find shops, craft markets, bars and casinos as well as the famous umbrellas on the waterfront.

Romance does not have to be a holiday or a trip.  It doesn't have to be a romantic meal out or a boat ride on a lake.  Romance can be as simple as running your loved one a bath surrounded by candles, a snuggle together at 5am, a note left on the fridge saying "I love you".

When it comes down to it, romance is a personal thing and revolves around the pair of you, together.  Whether it is waking up to a kiss in the morning, or lying on a beach, holding hands in paradise.

What is your kind of romance? 

For The Love Of Dogs

I have always loved dogs.  The unconditional love.  The happy face that greets you when you come in the door.  They way they somehow seem to know when you are ill or sad and come to cuddle you.  

Over the past 25 years we have had many dogs.  See you if can see the (very obvious) theme of the names! Benjie, Sophie, Cindy, Ellie, Rosie and Simba.  All with the "ie" on the end apart from our latest baby boy, Simba.

The saddest part about having a dog is that they have you their entire life, but you don't have them for yours.  We have had to say goodbye to 5 dogs and it is heartbreaking every single time.  But we will always remember their love, their characteristics, their personalities.

Our dining room is host to the pictures of all the dogs we have had over the years.

I realised the other day that Simba was turning 2 in June and we still not have a picture of him up in the house.  That had to be remedied ASAP so I started looking at photo canvas prints online that we could put on the wall.

I think the hardest part was choosing a photograph of him, I have hundreds on my phone as he is such a little poser!  See what you think of the photograph I chose..

Isn't he just utterly beautiful?  As you can see, we have departed from having Yorkshire Terriers to this time, a Shih Tzu this time.  When we went looking at dogs this time around after losing our wonderful Rosie and Ellie last year, I saw their faces in all the puppies we looked at.  We found Simba on Gumtree of all places, with current owners who couldn't care for him anymore so at 4 months, he became our baby instead.

Do you have photographs of your fur babies (or actual babies, whatever takes your preference that you want on your wall?  Because I am happy to tell you that I have a promotion code for www.my-picture.co.uk on their already discounted canvas print formats (87% saving in all!).  

All you have to do is go on the site, upload your photograph, select the desired print canvas format and enter the code THECURVEDOPINION in the coupon code section when checking out.  Simple!  The code is valid until the 15th May 2018.

Let me know in the comments if you buy a print and what photograph you have chosen!

*This item was gifted to me but all opinions (and fur babies) are my own

Love is in the Air

Considering that January seemed to take the age of man to get through, it comes as a surprise to me that suddenly we are approaching Valentine's Day.

Whilst Cupid has not struck his arrow for me, I confess that I do love to see happy couples on Valentines Day.  Love is everything and is best when you have a special someone to share it with.

What are your plans for Valentines with your partner?  For me, large costly gestures have never been required.  Buying flowers for example seems to quadruple in price which I think is insane.  

Love is shown in actions and the way that you feel.  I would prefer a lovely, thought about card than a throwaway (although expensive!) bunch of red roses.

Today +Simply Be are allowing me to host a competition to win this gorgeous lingerie set in time for Valentines Day.

SimplyBe Lingerie

The bra is available from a 36C through to a 48DD.  The midi briefs run from a 12 to a 26.

This competition opens at 12.00 tonight and will close at 12.01am on Monday 12th February 2018 so the winning entrant can receive their prize prior to Valentines Day.  UK only

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Spread A Little Love This Winter

Among the seasonal cheer and chilly temperatures, winter is one of the busiest times of year for many of us. Whether it’s gift shopping or making time for friends, family and loved ones, there are plenty of things to keep us busy during the coldest months of the year. However, as we become increasingly pre-occupied and wrapped up in our own lives, finding time for one another can be a particularly difficult task.

Instead of focusing on the material aspect of winter and the festive season, we should do our best to get back in touch with the people who surround us each and every day. Care, kindness, compassion and generosity should all be integral at this time of year, which is why it is so important that you do what you can to welcome a little love back into both your life and the lives of others around you.

So, with that in mind, how can you go about welcoming some positivity and a greater level of care into your thoughts and actions? Here are some top tips which will hopefully provide the inspiration to get you started!

Kindness

It costs nothing to be kind to someone, and this is a trait that can easily be applied to many situations throughout life. Whether it’s a simple smile and a compliment or taking some time out of your day to be there for someone in their hour of need, once you begin to takea conscious effort to be kinder to people, it’s something that will then continue to grow on its own. Plus, even if you don’t believe in fate, once you begin to act nicer and consider how you treat people, it won’t be long before you too begin to reap the rewards of your own actions.

Charity

We all know that Christmas is a time for giving, but how many of us actually spare a thought for the many people who are in need around the world at this time of year? With plummeting temperatures and bad weather, winter brings a whole new host of difficult challenges for people to face, be it the homeless in our own cities or refugee families and orphans across the globe. 

Even if it’s just a handful of loose change in a charity collection box, an hour spent volunteering at your local food bank or donating what you can to an appeal for the Rohingya, even the smallest acts can go a long way towards helping someone in need.

Love

Of course, we all have people who are close to us and those we appreciate and care for no matter what. Whether it’s your family or a good friend, it’s always nice to show an additional degree of love, care and attention to your loved ones at this time of year. From clearing your schedule and organising meet-ups with friends and big family gatherings to simply picking out the perfect Christmas gift, sharing these simple yet meaningful annual moments is the perfect way to strengthen your ties and commit to spending more time together throughout the year to come. 

After all, the feeling of being loved and appreciated is one of the best there is – wouldn’t you want to share it at this time of year?

At the end of the day, we should all do what we can to help our fellow human beings. We all share this planet and when we work together, we are far more likely to succeed and reach greater levels of success. For that reason, even if it’s just a small act of kindness, try to commit to making a change for good this winter. 

*Collaborative piece

Not Good Enough

The title is a little depressing isn't it?  Sorry about that.  But I have a million thoughts in my head right now and my blog is the vehicle is take them out and do something with them.  That is what it was created for, so here I am.

Be warned, this is a very honest post and a probably a trigger warning for anyone reading who is feeling and does feel the same as I; not good enough.

I watched a film tonight that I had recorded the other day.  Not my usual genre at all. The Vow.  This is the one with Channing Tatum (ok maybe why I chose to watch it) and Rachel McAdam.  The one where they have a crash and she loses all her memories, including those of him, her husband.

The main focus of the film is him trying to get her to fall back in love with him.  Whilst watching the film a thought entered my head that, I will be honest, has broken me a little ever since.  I thought that in reverse, a man would never fall in love with me twice.

I have struggled with feeling not good enough all of my life.  At first, for many years, I thought that I felt like this because of my body shape, but that isn't it.  I am confident in my body as it is, and wear clothes that do not make me invisible.

Which makes it worse really, because what I do not feel good enough about is myself.  I feel a lot like the picture below.  Stranded on an island with nothing surrounding me, nothing that can reach me.

An island is probably the most accurate description of how I have always felt.  I have been single for the majority of the time since I was 18.  I don't know why.  That is just how it is.  At 38, I think a lot now that maybe this is the way that I will always be.  I have amazing friends, a lovely but small family; maybe this is how it is going to be.

I have tried online dating.  I got a lot of responses, mainly from people who wanted to make me a fetish, others that copy and pasted their messages en masse to any woman they saw and of course, the most recent encounter with a potentially dangerous man.

I have been in love (really totally in love) once in my life.  With someone who was 95% right for me but someone who I knew deep down would never love me.  But damn, I loved him.  I used to say that he broke my heart but in reality, I broke my own on someone who I knew loved me as a friend, but nothing else.  Drunken kisses and "other things" didn't help matters.  He loved me, but not my body and that was my fault.  I couldn't accept that.

Every time I meet someone I seem to strive to change myself into what I think that they want me to be.  I change who am I, and then lose myself.  I cannot get over the overriding thought that I am not good enough as I am.

Jesus this is honest isn't it?  I don't like being this honest but if I am not, my mind will shove those feelings back into the box in my brain and not think about it again for a while; which is not healthy.  Publishing this means my words, and thoughts are real and not taken back and denied in the "I am fine, honestly!" kind of way.

So where do I go from here?  I don't know.  All I know right now is that I never feel good enough and that I unconsciously run from anyone who I think may like me, for fear of rejection.  I don't want to feel like this anymore because I AM good enough.

My head knows that. I just need my heart to remember that.

Signing off now.  Thanks for listening.

For the Love of Mum and Dad

Image source

Isn’t it amazing how much we once took our amazing parents for granted? All that effort and care and love they gave us, all the little things they did, would all fly under the radar, unnoticed by us and our carefree existence. It was part of being a kid. What’s more, is was part of the joy of parenting.

Early mornings, breakfasts, packed lunches, homework help, playing fare-free taxi driver, standing on the side of the sports field in the pouring rain and getting the arts and crafts on so you could be in the Nativity play. They didn’t do it for appreciation, they did it out of love.

Luckily it is never too late to say thank you or drop a little anchor of appreciation.

Image source

Your Turn To Cook

Remember all those times your parents cooked a delicious homemade meal for you. Most of the time they did it simply because it was dinner time, but sometimes it was the best to show they love and care about you, to cheer you up and make you smile. Well, why not turn the tables and make them their favorite dinner, or start rehearsing something special and wow them completely. Nothing says love like a delicious meal.

Image source

Buy Them Something For No Reason

There are days through the year which are dedicated to moms and dads, but surprising them with an unexpected present ‘just because’ will mean so much more. Catch your dad off guard by getting him one of the ultimate gifts for men, such as a track day, or a golfing experience or even booking him onto a sailing holiday. As for your mum, something like a surprise spa weekend, or getting her two tickets to her favorite theatre production will say I love you louder than the words ever could.

Image source

Indulge In Their Interests

Knowing someone has a genuine interest in your passion is one of the best, warmest and fuzziest feelings ever. Someone loves what we love, or maybe not loves but cares about. So why not give your parents this feeling by getting involved in their passions. If they love art exhibitions, go along with them and soak up all their frenzied words. Go out for cocktails and giggles with them if that is what they love doing. Or, if they love camping, then go away with them for a weekend. Just indulge their interests by being genuinely interested. It is such an easy way to create a special bond.

Image source

Go To Them For Advice

When you are young, you rely on your parents for everything. They dedicate themselves to you completely; they go above and beyond for you. They make sure you have all the skills and characteristics to make it in the world on your own. Then, suddenly, that reliance stops. You don’t need them like that anymore. But you do. We all do. And a great way to show this is by going to them for help and advice and getting their wide words. This lets them know you still value their opinion, above all others, and that is true trust; that is a loving trust.



*A Collaborative Piece

You Will Not Defeat Us

On Monday night I was playing around on Twitter and then suddenly, my heart dropped.  A potential explosion at the Manchester Arena.

I followed the story for about an hour.  At that point, there was no real information coming out. Trying to piece together conspiracy theories, people saying that it was just a speaker that exploded, others saying that nothing had happened at all.

By 11.30pm all I knew was that something had definately happened, but not what.  I woke at 7.30am to hear the worst news imaginable.  A terrorist had detonated a nail bomb, killing, maiming and injuring dozens of people.  Children. 

I cried as I watched Olivia Campbell's mother on the television pleading for news of her daughter.  I sobbed when I heard of her death.  Every story I read makes me cry.  I think of the wounded in hospital, with terrifyingly bad injuries and wonder how their families are getting through it.

But why am I telling you this?  You know what happened.  You have felt and are feeling exactly the same feelings. We have all been glued to the news, to Twitter and people's stories about what happened for the past two days.  I won't talk further about what that man did.  It was monstrous. How you can specifically target children and their parents and subject them to what happened is something I can and will never fathom.

What I want to talk about today is how this country comes together in the worst of times.  We become the best of ourselves in times of adversity and conflict.

Police and ambulance crews dashing to scene, without regard for their own lives or whether any more explosions could happen.  Every level of staff member from receptionists to surgeons upon hearing the news running to their hospitals to help.  To save people.  Taxi drivers turning their meters off to ferry anyone home who needed it.  Droves of people offering their homes, food, and blood.  Anything that they could do to help.

When we are divided we are weaker.  Be it politics, referendums or people trying to drive us apart.  When we are strong is when it matters.  The Olympics.  The clean up campaign arranged on Twitter after the London riots.  Now.  

CharleyHasted on Twitter sums us up pretty well.

British Stages of response to a terrorist attack:
-Shock
-Sadness
-Anger
-Kindness
-Mocking terrorists

I found in delight the #BritishThreatLevels hashtag on Twitter today.  When I saw it initially, my heart again sank.  I knew that the threat level had been changed to critical.  My heart rose when I saw hundreds of people, and gaining by the hour, saying that they were not afraid of terrorists.

We are afraid of tea running out, of people on the bus actually talking to us; someone who doesn't fancy "a cheeky Nandos"; 1 centimeter of snow; the incorrect use of their, there, and they're.  We are not afraid of you.

So terrorists, listen to us.  You will NEVER defeat us.  You will NEVER knock us down because we will ALWAYS get back up.  Even when the EDL turned up in Manchester today, they were thwarted by Mancunians who would not dealt with their hatred.  Not today.  Not ever.  

You will NEVER turn us against each other because at its heart, this country is one.  Name one other country who has, two days after an attack, fought against terror with talk of tea and sarcasm.  

We are STRONG. You are COWARDS. We stand together with every country that you have attacked, whether the media bother to mention them or not.

I sometimes wonder why we are called Great Britain.  Today I remembered.

How Do You Say I Love You?

I love you.  Three small, tiny words that mean so much.  But how do you say I love you?

Sometimes it is a small thing that making someone that first cup of coffee in the morning. Sometimes it is giving someone a hug when they don't know that they need one.  Sometimes it is creating a gift for someone that costs nothing, but means the world.

One my most treasured possessions is a photo album that my mum made for me a couple of years ago with pictures of when I was young with my dad.  Having photographic memories of him, especially having lost him at such a young age is more precious that you can imagine.

Sometimes I think that the best ways of telling someone you love them is when they least expect it.  I love to bring my mum flowers, just because.  It does not have to be expensive, a couple of bunches of daffodils makes her so happy.  They also my favourite flower.

Flying Flowers recently commissioned a survey on how people show their love.  Unsurprisingly, 76% of people said that they would buy flowers to show their love on Mother's Day.

You can check out the survey below.

 

Mother's Day Gift Guide

With Mother's Day around the corner on the 26th March, now is the time that I start to think about what I want to buy my lovely mum.

I try as much as possible not to be predictable when it comes to gifts for my mum.  She always tries so hard each year for my birthday and Christmas to come up with a surprise that it is only fair that I reciprocate.  

Whilst I will be buying my mum a Pandora charm for her bracelet (which by the way I think are a total waste of money, as you are just buying for the name, not for the quality), I want to find a little something different that she was not expecting.  I do not care how much money I spend on my mum, as long as she loves it, that is the only factor.

Here is what I have found:

A Weekend Bag from MooJoeGifts

This bag is an absolute steal at £12.50.  My idea would be to put another gift inside, perhaps a restaurant booking for the two of you for somewhere amazing or perhaps a weekend away.

A Family Tree £14.99

My mum, like all mums, is all about her family.  I think that this is a lovely gift to give and would look lovely in a bedroom setting where she can look at the photographs every day.

The Book of Everyone £29.95 (Hardback version)

This book is personalised to the year of birth and is so easy to do.  You are able to personalise most pages and include images.

Finally, the most important gift of all, your time.  

Calling just to say hello and have a chat, not because you feel obliged, but because you want to.  A mother daughter day out with a lovely lunch, a glass of wine (or four) and a lazy afternoon of chatting and catching up.  A mother and son afternoon tea or perhaps a wander around an art exhibit or museum.  Something that she will enjoy.  Although spending time with you will be the best part.

We only get one mum, lets make her feel special.

My Rosie

I never thought in a million years that I would be writing this post today.

Seven months, practically to the day that we lost our beautiful Ellie, we found ourselves putting my wonderful gorgeous Rosie to sleep.

My Rose.  An amazing bundle of fluff who had so much love to give.  She loved nothing better than a cuddle and greeted me every day after work, patiently waiting for me at the patio doors and after spotting me entering the gate; running for her favourite toy Tiger or Frog to come and show me.

My Rosie.  I remember the day that I met you.  Found in an advert in the paper, advertised for sale as someone was leaving the country.  Back then, you were not Rosie. you were Lily.

Looking back, it is clear that they simply did not want you (how is that possible?).  Lying in your box, showing not much interest and very sleepy, I am convinced that they had given you something to make you docile.  No water dish out, no food to be seen.  You were immediately ours and became my Rosie Posey.

It was their loss.  It was my privilege to have you in my life.  

After Ellie died, the love that you gave us tripled.  You loved to sit on mummy's knee, particularly when I was trying to do the Asda order and you decided that stroking you was more important than the weekly shop.  It was.

Here you are, in the next photo.  Those big brown eyes, so full of love, saying stroke me mummy! I would sit cross legged on the settee, my phone in one hand trying to complete the shop and stroking you with the other.

When you became ill in July I was so worried and rushed you to the vets.  Finding out that you had a mass on your liver was heartbreaking, but with no cancer found in the blood tests, I prayed to whoever is out there that we could have at least another year with you.

I still cannot work it out in my head how you went from being your normal, wonderful self a week last Tuesday, to having to put you to sleep on Saturday.  I am shell shocked.  It still does not feel real.

You became ill again on the Thursday.  Given medication and injections just as before, I crossed everything that this would make you better.  The news we received on Friday after a full day at the vets that your kidneys were failing was such a shock, but we had hope that maybe a drip and some medication would give you a little more time.

We brought you home that night, but you were no longer the same dog.  Looking in your eyes, you were no longer there.  You were supposed to spend another day at the vets on a drip, but we knew in our hearts that the fight, so quickly started, was over.

We both loved you so much, which meant that we could not put you through any more.  I hope you understand that my angel.  

The house is so empty without you in it.  My teddy bear has gone and you have left such a massive hole.  A piece of my heart went with Ellie, and now another has been taken losing you.  I will always love you.  

This is my favourite photo of us.  Me watching the Grand Prix and you cuddled up with me.  You have such love in your eyes, as you always did.  You were so loved.  Go and play with Ellie now.  I will see you again.

My Ellie

You arrived at our home at three months old, a tiny ball of black fluff.  So small you would have fit in a pint glass.  My first memory of you is being on the phone to mum while she brought you home for the first time, telling me all about you and then saying "The little bugger just nipped me!".

You had never nipped anyone before or since, but knowing your personality as I do now, I think that it was you saying "I may be tiny, but I am the boss now!" and you really were.  We belonged to you, not the other way around.  We used to joke that you were the queen and we were your minions.  Just as you deserved.

Your favourite places were rugs.  You used to roll all over each one of them in the house, your legs flailing in the air like a little horse.  I still walk into a room and expect to see you rolling around the floor like a lunatic.

You didn't like to go for a walk, often hiding behind my legs or looking up at me with those big beautiful eyes which practically said "Mummy, don't make me".  You won the battle most of the time because who could resist you?  Certainly not me.  You loved to run for a ball however, your dancing around for it earned you one of your first nicknames, Dancing Dora.

I have had and have known many dogs in my life.  None like you. I have loved every dog and pet we have had over the years, but none took hold of my heart like you did.  You decided that love was not enough, it was adoration that you wanted; and it is what you received.  It had been a very long time since I gave someone my whole heart, but you had all of it.

You had more personality than any dog I have ever known.  You had a truly unique character and really could do everything to communicate except actually speak.

I have so many memories of you.  The way that you always have a part of you touching mum when you slept, either on the back of her chair or on the bed.  The way when you slept on the floor you slept near her slippers.

Your expression of indignation when you would see Rosie on my bed.  The way you kept moving down the hall, sitting down every few steps with an incensed glare at me and Rosie.  You practically shouted "Oi!  That's my mummy!  She is mine!".

The way you would come to my door at night.  I would open the door and then  have to follow you, with you looking back to make sure I was complying as you went to the front door or to the sitting room, because you wanted to play on the rug with me.  I cannot count how many hugs and kisses I gave you on that rug over the years.  Millions.

You used to love being sung to.  So many times I would pick you up in my arms, you would position yourself so that you were perfectly comfortable, using me like an chair arm.  I would sing to you the song that mum used to sing to me when I was a little girl "You are my sunshine".  You were.

Your name was Ellie, but to me, you were Sausage Monkey.  I am not really sure how the name came about, maybe because your body was like a little sausage and you were a monkey.  But I called you Sausage Monkey more than than I called you Ellie.  You answered to either.

You gave us such much joy, love, fun and laughter every single day and we both loved you so very very much.

When you became ill, you were so strong and a little fighter.  Your spirit radiated out of you.

For such a small dog, you have left such a massive hole in our lives and in our hearts.  A piece of mine went with you, my little girl.  You will be missed every day and you will never be replaced. A dog as unique and wonderful as you never could be.

I cannot say goodbye.  The words will not come.  Instead I will say what I always used to say to you at night.

Night night sausa monkey, momma loves you.

Bored of the Diet Talk

I know that I am not alone in saying this, because I have seen many fat positive women saying the same, but the typical New Years Resolutions of “I am going on a diet because I ate a turkey, four mince pies and a chocolate truffle over Christmas; I look horrendous” are this year, really starting to get on my wick.

Now I am, as you know, a fat person.  It is a part of me but not all of who I am.  I am aware of it and the impact that seeing my body sometimes has on others.  You know the types, either those who like to insult you; in varying ways of behind your back (or hiding behind a computer screen) or those jellyfish stinger types who say “Oh I wish I had half of your confidence!” 

Which translates to:

“If I was as fat as you, I would hide in my shed”

I like my body.  I have no wish to change it.  If others wish to change their body, be it because it is a New Years resolution or otherwise, then do it, but for the love of fuck, stop trying to involve me in your diet talk because I am not interested and what’s more, it is boring as hell!

I cannot count the number of talks I have been party to or brought into with regard to weight loss recently. Including before Christmas “With all I am going to eat this Christmas, lets all challenge ourselves to a weight loss competition in January”.  Erm, no.  That is ridiculous.

Weight loss is not a competition and we should not be compare and contrasting each others bodies in order to declare a winner.  If you want to change something about your body then change it, but leave others out of it.

If your self worth relies on the size of your stomach and the number on your bathroom scales alone, then perhaps your New Years resolution should be to love yourself more.   Because losing 10 pounds after Christmas will not change that. 

Here is a New Years Resolution I intend on sticking to.

Photo Credit

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

The image that we see in the mirror is different for everyone.  For some, we see clearly what we look like, for others, the image is distorted.  The reflection looking back is viewed through a filter of society's expectations and with that, our perception of the way we look changes.

I have spoken about this previously in my post The Image in the Mirror 

What particularly interests me however is the way in which that society filter disappears when we look at our friends and the ones we love.  We do not judge them by the way that society judges us, we love them for who they are and we appreciate their own beauty.  We do not see the so called imperfections that we see in ourselves.

I was chatting the other day to a woman that I know well.  She was telling me about a brilliant night out she had been on with some friends.  She then proceeded to show me a photograph taken of her with her friends saying "Look how horrible and fat I look compared to them".

I looked at the photograph and saw a gorgeous, happy, smiling woman. 

A thought then occurred to me and I asked her to tell me what she would think if she and another person saw a photograph of me and that other person commented how fat I was and how horrible I looked.

Immediate anger crossed her face and she said something along the lines of "Just let them say something like that in front of me!"

This, right here, is the most complex issue that needs to be dealt with.  Thinking it completely unacceptable to insult me, a woman much fatter than her, yet it was perfectly acceptable for her to act that way towards herself.

This does not just happen between my friend and I, it happens everywhere.  Women judging themselves, picking apart their appearances and hating themselves for the way they look yet also simultaneously knowing that such hate is wholly wrong.  Two exact forms of hate, kept in a perfect balance, until you point it out.

Contrary to the popular belief, I think that people need to look in the mirror more, not less.  Get comfortable with the way you look.  Take that selfie, take a thousand of them.  Embrace that face that is uniquely yours and recognise the beauty within it. 

Look at your body, remember how far it has taken you, what it helps to you accomplish every single day.  Look at the things that you love about it.  Aside from your mind, it is the most precious thing you have and will be with you your whole life.

There are no wrong features and there is no wrong way to look.  Our uniqueness is beautiful.  The red freckle on the end of my nose that I used to hate and cover hastily with makeup is now loved.  It is distinctive to me and a part of me. 

Start that love affair.