Why Should We Hide Our Mental Health?

I am lucky, very lucky in that my episodes of depression and anxiety have lessened a great deal over the past year; with the dark days decreasing in frequency.  Up until this weekend, dysthymia aside (see upcoming blog post with regard to this), I had not had an episode in many months.

I had let my guard down and as such, when a really dark day hit me on Sunday, I was not ready for it.

For as long as I have experienced them, I have always hidden my dark days from others, both in my personal life and at work. 

It is still an expectation of society that we present a "normal" front.  Somehow, people can cope with any physical illness or symptom that you throw at them (generally), but tell people you have anxiety, depression etc etc and you can see them practically running away from you in their eyes.  The "Oh God another crazy" look.

So when a dark day hits, as have millions of others, I have learned over time to hide it as best as I can.  Solitary spaces are found, plans are rearranged, if I have to work, my head switches off into a tunnel vision work mode.  I am careful in what I do and generally try to stay off social media or reading the news.

After not experiencing a dark day for many months, on Sunday, it felt like all of my strategies to cope/hide had been forgotten.  Bad enough the misery, pain and tears, I now had to figure out how to get through visitors at home, travelling on the bus and then going to my fellas, who doesn't really get mental health.  All I wanted, as I ever want, was to curl up in a ball and be alone.

I pulled myself together enough to take the dog a walk, get ready, make nice in front of the guests at home and then went for the bus.  That is where my not used in a while coping mechanisms ran out.

Needless to say, there were silent tears on the bus with people looking at me like I had grown another head.  Maybe I should have chopped my leg off and I would have received a more sympathetic gaze.

But then.  Then I reached the fellas.  I could not hide how I felt.  I didn't have the strength.  I tried holding it in.  I tried passing it off as simply having a bad mood day.  I tried brushing it aside.  He saw straight through me and that day, barriers down, I let him.

He knows nothing about mental health and does not understand it.  But he asked me to tell me how I felt rather than just stay silent and suffer "Use your words Vic".  He understood that he could not improve how I felt, so just listened to me, didn't judge me and held me.

While my dark day continues to the end of the evening, the pressure of having to hide was gone and the talking frankly about it (and cuddles of course) did bring me comfort.

My question is this.  Why, when we are already going through so much, when it is hard enough just to leave our bed, are we catering to other people first and how they feel?  Making sure that they are comfortable around us?

When my dark day hits I feel completely alone in the world.  I feel alien.  I wonder how quickly I could get over or how much less stress and pain I would feel if I did not have to hide it?

Why should we?  Why can we not admit that today is not mentally a good day.  Why can we not say "Today I am struggling a bit, so bear with me". 

Use that sick day when we need to. 

Not say I'm fine to someone who notices instead of saying I'm hurting and maybe get a much needed hug.

I am not hiding any more.  If I am not feeling well and have a cold, I tell people I have a cold.  If I am having a dark day, I will tell people the truth.  Enough. 

Stopping Smoking - Can It Change You As a Person?

Just a little musing on the blog today and a question:  Has anyone experienced a real change in their personality, mental health or general mental wellbeing since they stopping smoking cigarettes?

Image by roegger from Pixabay

First and foremost, let me say that I am not one of those irritating ex smokers who suddenly think that cigarettes are the plague of the earth and shout loudly and regularly from the rooftops of how disgusting smoking is.

I MISS IT.  I miss it so much.  I miss the after dinner cigarette, I miss the pleasurable addition of smoking when having a glass of wine or a cocktail; I miss the temporary calmness they would give me if I was having a bad day.  I miss them.

As a smoker you are well used to all the people that would wax lyrical about how bad it was for your health and how much money it must be costing you etc.  You would feel like wanted to stab them in the eye?  I still feel like that.  Sanctimonious ex smokers can take a hike.

Anyway.  Back to topic.  Physical health and money benefits aside, can't say I have really noticed either yet, I have to say that my mental health and wellbeing has definately changed.

For as long as I can remember, probably my whole adult life, I have had a numbing or  muting of emotions.  General the positive emotions.  Sadness, pain and anxiety I never had a problem with.  How typical. 

Feelings of anticipation, excitement, joy, happiness, feelings of just being damn normal, were just not really there.  I said the words and played out the emotions for people, but I never felt them.  I knew what they felt like because I used to experience them, but hadn't in many many years.

Not feeling, felt normal.  All the bright colours of emotions just did not live within me, except the black that occasionally would overtake me.  Everything was just muted.

Image by Alexandra Haynak from Pixabay

The only reason that I knew that I was not "normal", if anyone ever really is, is that on the occasional day, I felt everything.  It felt wonderful.  I would just wake up one day and experience a full day of normal feelings.  The world became exciting and full of wonderment.  Sadly, the next day, I went back to normal, my normal.

Not to tempt fate here (please fate, I'll be good I promise), but after around four weeks of not smoking, all of these feelings have come back.  I feel genuine happiness.  I feel excited when plans are made.  I feel anticipation when something good and new is about to happen.  I feel.   I feel everything.

Is this an effect of stopping smoking?  It would a be a very large coincidence if it was not related. 

My question I guess is very specific as I do not know anyone else who lived with the muting of emotions that I did.  I am sure that there is a name for it but I do not know what it is.

Whatever the reason, the world is full of colour again.  I look forward to each day, whatever it may hold and there is always now, some happiness to be found.  Even in the smallest corner.

Why I Refuse To Make A New Years Resolution

I don't believe in making resolutions at New Year.  I don't see the point.  Change, if it is something that you really want, comes in its own time and at the right moment.  It cannot be forced.   

What I am doing this year and what I think we all should do, is look back over the past year and look at the positives in it.  Look at the happy moments, look at the things that you have learnt throughout the year, be it about yourself, about others or more about what interests you.

I don't see the point in putting pressure on yourself to lose weight, change your personality, change your love life status, change who you are.  Change, if you wish change at all, has to be organic, natural and must come from the heart.  That is where happiness starts.

What is the point is ending a year telling yourself that you are not good enough?  That you need to change?  Work on yourself and change (if you want it) will happen.  You are always good enough.

There have been changes in me in the past year.  All have taken time, all have come organically through learning, self reflection and thought.  I know myself so much better at the end of this year than at the start of the last.  

These changes in my outlook, personality and life came slowly.   None were planned and as is so important in change, I only realised the difference in myself after the journey.

  

So looking back at the past year, have I changed?  Absolutely.  I have learned things, I have worked on my soul and my mental health.  I am happier.

This is my positivity list for this year.

• I swept away previous bad experiences with online dating and found the courage to try again, being wholly me this time (I had feminist in my description instead of just the usual "friendly, happy, sometimes funny" rubbish).

• I have (with the help of inspiration and motivation of a certain gentleman), embraced the body that I have.  I have explored my sexuality and become a more confident person because of that.

• I have had less and less anxiety and depression issues as the year has progressed because I have looked inward at the causes, the triggers and talked more when the episodes have happened; instead of hiding them away.

• I have debated and talked about my thoughts and stances with others and in some cases, changed what I thought as a result, through learning.  I have grown.  See my post on non platforming

• Though I will always support women, support causes and talk about change and effect for women, I no longer identify as a feminist.  Something I never thought I would say.  This is an ongoing change which may well be reversed in time.  But as it stands, conversation has to be open, not regulated and regimented.

• I am going back to my roots.  I am writing, slowly, more opinion pieces of what I really think.  It is what makes my happy, feeds my soul and helps me to collect my thoughts, my ideals and what I believe.

None of the above could been achieved with a New Year's resolution.  They came through learning, through reflection and through my heart.  

So instead this year, instead of vowing to join a gym, find a boyfriend or change your personality; celebrate you.  Celebrate your achievements, however small, throughout the year. All this "New Year, New You" rubbish is just that, rubbish.  It brings you down, not raises you up.

The most important journey of your life is to learn who you are.  Learn what makes you happy.  That is the best and most significant thing you will ever do.

xxx 

You Got To Give a Little

If there is one plan (and I use the term loosely because I hate making long term plans that inevitably fall by the wayside) that I want to follow through on this year; it is to do two things.  Be more selfish, and give more.

Doesn't make sense right?  Being selfish and giving are at opposite ends of the scale.  But giving can entail many things and there is nothing wrong with scaling back on some aspects and escalating others.

When I say I want to be more selfish. I am not talking about holding on to the last Rolo or showing no consideration for others.  What I mean is that this year, I need to remember to take care of myself too.  To give a little less of myself in some areas, which will enable me to give more in others.

As I have said in my previous post I am guilty of falling into the habit of being different personalities around different people.  The "I'm fine" person, when I'm really not; the sociable person; when I want to be alone (although I need to bring that out more as it is tied to my anxiety); the shy person in a group of people, while with my friends I am never scared to put my voice forward.  Molding your personality to fit the situation is exhausting and this year I decided, I am just not doing it anymore.

I am also going to take more time out for myself.  Some me time, on my own.  I need space on my own sometimes, even if it is just shutting a door or going to spa on my own for the afternoon.  I need it; and I deserve it.  We all do.

But I also want to give more this year and that does not have to involve giving myself.  Giving can be giving some of your time, writing a blog post to promote a charity or even working charity into your everyday shopping.

So my first goal is to write something for a different charity each month.  I tried to start that last year, but I only managed a few posts.  This year I will do better.  This month I am going to write about the Marie Curie Daffodil appeal and next month I am featuring an amazing woman who is 10 years Cancer free, after having one lung removed after being diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called Mesothelioma.  She now raises funds for research and that will be my February charity post.

Another way I intend to give is by giving money.  Although I donate some money to Women's Aid and Refuge every month, I cannot afford to give much.  So another way that you can give money is through your shopping.

After a little research, there are a number of ways that you can do this.

I am always one for finding a bargain online, any way to save money on a purchase.  I have some across a site called https://www.discountpromocodes.co.uk/ which not only finds you the discount codes for the shops that you want, it also donates 20% of it's profits every month to a different charity.  This month they raised over £200 for the Alzheimer's Society and since they began they have raised over £51,000.00.  That is just incredible. 

So this is my plan this year.  Take care of myself more, and give a little more.  We all need to look after ourselves and we all need to give a little back.  This is going to be my way of doing that.

The Stigma of Mental Health

This is one of those posts where I am starting with no idea what the end will be.  I am just talking, through my fingers tapping against the keyboard.

When you have a headache, you take an aspirin.  When you have a cold you take Vitamin C.  When you wake up in the morning feeling really ill, you call in sick at work.  Mental health is different.  It is stigmatized by society in a way that you feel that you have to hide it.  Are obliged to.

My work is great.  I have never had any indication that if I called in with a mental issue, that they would be anything but nice about it.  But yet, I hide it.  

Last night, I was having major anxiety.   I have not had an episode for a while now, but like a boomerang, eventually, it always comes back.  At 1.20am this morning I posed a thought on Twitter which still plagues me now, whilst my anxiety ravages me once again.  I was praying for physical illness today.  To have a "real excuse" to call in sick.

I got to sleep around 3.00am and awoke with the same feeling.  Sometimes my anxiety lasts a few hours, sometimes a few days/weeks.  The feeling is always the same.  Irrational worry, fear, panic; tears.  When I woke this morning I begged my head to sort itself out.  But instead, I cried when my eyeliner broke, whilst simultaneously thinking how utterly pathetic I was for crying about eyeliner.

I wasn't crying about eyeliner,  I was crying because my damn soul hurt.  For reasons I did not know or could explain.

Yet, I got ready for work.  I piled on the makeup to cover my ravaged face.  I put a nice dress on to detract people from looking directly into my eyes.  I stood at the bus stop, wondering how the hell I was going to get through the day, eyes streaming from pain I could not, can never, understand.

9.00am hit and my "I'm fine" personality kicks.  I smile, I joke, I overcompensate.  No one notices.  I have played this game so many times before that I wonder if my personality has split, like the pieces of a Horcrux.  Regular happy Vicky, mentally screwed Vicky, work Vicky.  

There are so many pieces of me, so many images that I portray that sometimes I wonder who the real me is.  The real me is the one I was at New Year.  Drinking cocktails, sharing fun with friends; throwing death stars; shoulders utterly relaxed and my mind clear.

It is midnight now.  My heads is clearing a little as I write.  Writing helps me.  But yet I know that as soon as I stop tapping the keys, the cogs of my mind will start turning again.  The fear, of what I do not know, will come back.  The tears.  I am tempted to use my coping mechanism, which can work on the second night of an episode.  A complete brain switch off.  My mind locked away whilst music plays in my ears.  An escape from me. 

The cycle will start again tomorrow.  Either I will wake up and my anxiety will have left me, or it will keep its hold, while I fake my way through the day ahead.

It should not be like this.  Someone with mental health issues should not have to do this.  Yet we do.  Some people, every damn day.  We should not have to hide, which only makes us worse.  We should not have to fracture our personalities to hide what we are going through.  Someone with the flu is visible, we are the invisible.

I guess one way to combat this is through awareness.  Being as honest as we can, as I am being now.  Yet I am a coward, because tomorrow again I will hide.  Because we know what society thinks of mental issues.  How those who do not understand will never look at us the same way again if we admit our struggles.

Writing at this time of night gives me clarity.  Honesty.  I say how I am feeling, without a filter.  It is my sanctuary, for a short time, until the laptop lids closes.  But I have recorded me tonight.  My feelings.  No filter.

Someday, I hope, that the filter will be gone.  That I will not be ashamed of something that I cannot control.  This is a small step.  It is the second step though, not the first, that takes us where we really want to go.

A Slippery Slope

When life gets busy or times get stressful, taking care of yourself can often be at the bottom of your list, if indeed you even make the list. You feed and water yourself and live your life on basic instinct, but often do you feel stop and take a minute to assess how you are feeling?

Neglecting yourself emotionally can be just as damaging as anything that you can do to your body physically. If you already have existing issues such as anxiety or depression, it can be a dangerously slippery slope if you do not look ahead.  You can find a psychologist online.

This is something that I have realised recently. These past six months have been rough; but my mental health is not something that has been on my radar. Actually when I say that, I am lying. It has been on my radar, sometimes with a very large red flashing warn sign, but I have ignored it; choosing to focus on bigger issues.

Sweeping aside these feelings has not really worked out for me so well.

I like stability. If I can make a plan, I am happy. Whilst I have a habit of making snap decisions sometimes, you had better bet that the outcomes are planned to the nth degree. I have my coping mechanisms for my anxiety and I know how to hunker down during a dark day. Unplanned issues and long term uncertainty do not fit well with who I am.

These are core aspects of my personality, hardwired in and hard to change. When things out of my control mess with my hardwiring, I am sent into a tailspin.

My unconscious way of dealing with that was to withdraw inward. I stopped calling my friends to catch up, I rarely went out on a weekend and my ability to say yes to invitations was practically non-existent. My blog also suffered, my motivation and inspiration were just not there anymore. Aside from going to work, I just wanted to be in my house and not go anywhere.

Can you see where this is going yet? Because I didn't.

Over the Christmas break, I had managed to book holidays from work meaning that I had around 11 days off. Nearing the end of my time off, during which I had only been out of the house once, I had event planned. Nothing major, just drinks and a catch up with friends at someone's house.

The day of the party arrived and suddenly, unexpectedly; I was terrified. It was not that I did not want to go, I was really looking forward to it in fact, but I did not want to leave the house. My safe space. My head was spinning, thinking of excuses that I could use not to go. My anxiety levels were spiking and I felt like I was in sheer panic.

It was at that point that the lightbulb went off in my head and I realised that my self preservation mode had lead me to a very dark place. A place where going outside even seemed like a bad thing.

I forced myself to go that night from sheer will, a will that has gotten me through many things over the years. I have started to say yes more and am no longer scared to leave the house; a feeling that I did not even know was there, until it reared its ugly head.

Today I am happy. My life is returning to more of an even keel and I am planning outings and events as much as I can. It is my birthday this weekend and have two fun nights out planned. I am back to my old self.

It is a while since I have shared something so deeply personal here. But I feel that it is important to do so because it shows just how close you can come to the edge, without ever realising that you are balancing on the edge of a precipice, where only you can pull yourself back.

No matter what is going on in your life, take the time to take care of yourself. Look for warning signs and do not ignore that red flashing light on your radar. It is important for us all to take care of the people around us, deal with bad situations well and look for that silver lining; but just as important is to take care of ourselves.