Waiting for The One

 

I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with much later than normal.  Although, what is normal?  In my case, I was 39.  So yes, much later than the average let us say.

I spent years of my life having no confidence, no self worth.  Having a meaningful relationship with someone is not really possible or at least certainly not healthy when you feel this way about yourself.  I met men here and there of course and had a few short relationships, but nothing that I would have called one that would last.

I always knew the kind of man that I wanted to be with.  Although I did not visualise him in my head other than the usual kind of physical attributes that you find attractive, in my case a good smile and taller than me; I knew the type of man that I felt would be the one.  I somehow felt that there was just the one person for me, somewhere.

My lack of confidence aside, I also knew that this was something that I would not be willing to compromise on.  I was prepared to walk alone on the winding path of my life forever if I did not find him.  Nearing 39, I had reached a point where I knew that this was likely to be the case.

This is something that the people around me I think found hard to understand.  I wanted a relationship, wanted to be with someone.  I wanted desperately to fall in love, but I also knew in myself, somehow, that that one person would just come along and I would know.  A fool’s wish you may say.  Unrealistic expectations that would more than likely not be realised.

Looking back now, I realise that I would have been ready for a proper relationship much earlier than when I found him.  I worked on myself for years, finding my confidence, my self worth, my voice.  Being happy in who and what I was, was only a recent thing.

I do believe in fate, in the right timing and in trusting your gut.  So you can appreciate, or maybe you can’t, that it felt like the stars aligned when I found myself, and then found him.

I had been on a couple of dates in the months previous, each of them ending with me running for the hills.  One who admitted on the date that he was diagnosed with severe anger issues and was seeing a Psychiatrist about his violent behaviour and the other who was just, very very odd.  Absolutely not my type, or my kind of odd (aren’t we all looking for our particular brand of crazy?).

I then started talking to this man online and from the beginning I had butterflies.  He was handsome, but more than that he was interesting.  He had thoughts about a million different subjects.  He intrigued me in a way that I never have been before.  

We had our first date and no alarm bells rang.  He was as interesting in person as his messages and I found him extremely attractive.  The butterflies grew in size.  I was cautious about my heart and wary about getting too excited, but after a few dates with this man, I could not help myself.  

Still I exercised caution.  My problem has always been that I give my heart away when I should not.  The only man that I had really loved before was a massive mistake.  A friend.  Someone who I tried to morph myself into being the person that he would want.  He didn't.   In hindsight he was also not the right person for me.  At all.  In fact I don't think that he would like the person that I am now.  That thought amuses me.

When I give my heart, you get all of it.  I am like the Oodkind from Doctor Who.  I hold my heart in my hand and I offer it completely.   I knew that if I fell for this man I had just met as I knew I was doing, he would have my whole heart.  Not something that you should trifle with or give away lightly.

We really spent our time getting to know each other.  He said that he had not been looking for a relationship, having only got out of a long term relationship 6 months earlier.  But then, as he said, he found me.  We found each other.

Nearly 6 years on, I write this with a smile on my face.  I look at my phone which has his picture saved on my home screen and every time, my face lights up.  He is, without a shadow of a doubt, the man that I was waiting for.

I am the ying to his yang and together, we have both found a happiness that neither thought was possible.  He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he encourages me and we talk about so much, all of the time.  I found my peace and my joy with him.  He tells me that no one has ever loved him like I do. I feel the same.  

He was worth the wait.  I also, as I said before, believe that I would not have been ready myself for this relationship until the time we met.  Every thing I went through in my life, every journey, every voyage of discovery I took within myself led me to him.

I look forward to spending my forever with this man and I forever grateful that I trusted my gut that told me that one day, he would arrive.

Here's to love.

Why I'm Done With Online Dating

* This is a bit of a read

I never thought that online dating was for me.  I always wanted that chance meeting in a coffee shop, eyes meeting across the street; a friend that turned into the one you love.  That never happened for me and I decided what the hell?  Give online dating a whirl.

 

Tinder was never going to be for me,  The idea of swiping left or right (I never figured out which way was which) just on the basis of someone's face seemed superficial to me.  If you are looking for a partner, it has to be based on personality too.  This is a person you are, hopefully, going to spend the rest of your life with.  Tinder is for hook ups, nothing more.

My commitment to online dating was dubious at best so I chose a free dating site, Plenty of Fish.  I filled out my profile, was as honest as I could be and added the photos.  I decided in advance that the "Hi" messages were not going to get a reply. The people with the "fill out later" profiles were of no interest.

I have had more "Hi"s than I can count.  Some with more of a reply who were basically looking for a hook up.  Some who blatantly copied and pasted their auto first message.  I lost interest and only went on the site now and again.

I met my first online date after weeks of talking and finding more about each other.  He seemed like a nice guy and was really into me, which is always good.  I will call him T.  We lived over an hour away from each other but he was happy to come to me, which was a good sign.  We met in a local pub and within the first five minutes he was telling me that he had very severe anger issues and had been referred to a psychiatrist.  Great.

We messaged a few times after but I had no interest in meeting again.  I had no desire to have any kind of relationship with someone with anger issues.  The anger issues came out when I told him I could no longer commit to messaging him as my step dad had died.  He went ballistic.  Goodbye.

I went on the site less and less, dabbling occasionally on weekends but the messages I received were still the usual.  I went on a few more dates but there was a mutual no "click".  Then I got a message from, we will call him S.  S sent a great first message and his profile, actually filled out for a change was interesting.

We talked for around three weeks, first on the site and then moving to WhatsApp.  We had similar interests, a similar outlook on life and I really liked him.  We agreed to meet in Manchester which was a middling distance between us.

On the Saturday before our mid week date, I realised that there was something inaccurate on my profile; namely that when I created it, I was not smoking and now I am (yes  I know, bad Vicky).  I thought it was only fair that I let S know this in case he changed his mind about wanting to meet with me.

S was the kind of person who was texting me morning, noon and night, every day. If he didn't hear back from me after an hour, he would send another text to see what I was doing.  *Edit* on reading this paragraph after I typed it, I realised just how much of a red flag that is, and wonder how the hell I didn't think that at the time.

I did not hear back from him for the rest of the day, which was unusual for him but I figured maybe he wasn't into a smoker.

Just after midnight (when he starts his night shift) I got my first message.  Incensed that I had not told him previously, not believing that I did not know what my profile said as "he knew what was on his profile, every minute of the day!.  He demanded that I explained myself.

I responded, telling me I wouldn't be spoken to like that, especially after being honest.  I said that I no longer wished to meet and, not knowing how best to end the message, finished with "take care". Turns out that telling someone to take care is not the best idea.

From just after midnight to the time when I eventually blocked him completely at 3.30am, he proceeded to call me every variation of the whore that he could think of.  A "man like him would not be told to take care by a girl like me" apparently.

I don't know how many messages I received.  One probably every five minutes for a good three hours.  By the end, the combination of insults and thinly veiled (almost) threats, I was scared.  What I should have done is save the conversation, screenshot the worst of it and ring 101 the next day.  Hell, I could even have reported him to his employers considering that he was doing all of this on work time.

But I didn't think.  I was scared.  The level of rage directed at me was overwhelming and I will be honest,  I felt really scared for a few days.  Even though he knew what town I lived in but not my address, I found myself jumping at sounds outside when I let the dog outside.  He was a self professed "techie" and he knew I blogged.

Along with blocking him on WhatsApp and blocking him from POF, I also deleted my profile.  It is too easy to hide your true self on the internet.  I know that my personality is more exaggerated on the internet when I talk on Twitter or speak on my blog.  Because on here, I am unfiltered.  This goes the same for people who wish to hide their true selves.

I consider myself as having a lucky escape.  If I had not messaged him that day, I would have met up with him the following week.  If we had clicked,  I could have found out his true self when alone with him, heaven forbid at his place or somewhere on our own.

So I am done with online dating.  My match, my soul match if I ever find one will have to find me in pre internet ways.  I no longer trust the face on the internet.