Saying Goodbye To My Thirties

*Long read

So here it is.  The last day of my thirties.  Tomorrow, I will be 40 years old.

40 doesn't sound like something that should apply to me.  It so old.  Middle aged.   Oh Jesus.....

40 sounds like a person who knows what they are doing, more adult than I sometimes feel.  When a problem arises I still sometimes look around the room for an adult.  Someone more adult than I.  So, not like I have a choice in the matter, I am ready to be 40?

Yes, I think that I am.

The past two decades have not been easy, especially between my mid twenties and early thirties.  I had no confidence, I lived in a sea of black clothing and had little self worth.  I went in and out of depression and anxiety and sometimes, felt so sad that I wondered what the point of it all was.

Feelings of happiness, passion and hope seemed to be watered down and only on the occasional day did glimpses of them appear.  An emotional blunting or dulling of effect.

Certain people blazed a trail through my life like a shooting star.  All bright and beautiful till it crashes and burns.  Others disappointed me and abused my trust more than words can say.

That isn't to say that I did not also have fun over those years.  I had lots.  But I knew that I was not the person that I was supposed to be.  I was masked.  A fog covered me.

But then.  I started to write.  I found Twitter and found a voice that I never knew that I had.  A voice that was hidden on the internet so I was free to say what I wanted.  But I was still shy.  Still scared.

Then I started to blog.  I found plus size bloggers and found a world of colour and confidence that exploded my mind.  Fat women, like me, who wore colour and pattern.  They were self assured, knew who they were; they had confidence and sass.  Everything that I wanted.  I vowed to change.

This review was my first outing as a plus size blogger.  I cannot tell you how many photographs were taken and discarded.  How times I wrote the post and published, only to delete, rewrite, edit and publish again.

My confidence grew.  I grew to love pattern and found my confidence.

I did a photo shoot (cue moody pout).  I modeled (Can you see the smile?  That was happiness right there.)  Still not sure about that jumper though haha

I went from someone who actively hid from the camera, to someone who loves a good selfie.  I became more confident and with that, I got angry.

In the past few years, my focus has changed from the confidence in what I look like and the image that I present to the world, to what I think and what I say.  My blog pieces have become more serious and focused.  My voice on Twitter has expanded and I no longer am afraid to say anything that I think.  This has both lost and gain followers.  I care not.

I quit smoking 2 months ago.  Whether coincidence or not, the emotional blunting that I have experienced for so many years has gone.  I feel all the good.  The happiness I now have in my life, the joy, the expectation, the hope.  The excitement for the future.

I went on a spa day today with my best friend.  Someone who has been my best friend since I was 15 years old.  She has been there through every up and down, every high and every low.  She has seen the best and the worst in me.

She has seen all the recent changes in me over the recent years in confidence, in clothing, in what I say and what I share and think.  But she told me today that finally, after so long, she is now seeing the person that she first met, all those years ago.  Free, confident, happy, expectant, hopeful and most importantly, completely and utterly myself, without the fog that has covered me for so long.

I am back to myself again.  I would say that that is a damn good way to start your 40s.  Wouldn't you?

The Evolution of You

Looking back over the course of your life, have you ever wanted to meet your past younger self?  

I don't know about you, but I have been very different people over the course of my life so far.  Whilst my core being has stayed the same in terms of my values, the person that I am has undergone so many changes of the years that I am not sure if I would recognise myself if I was to meet me at a different age.

I think of it as being the same person, but simply a different shade or colour.  We are like bell peppers really (bare with me on this).  It wasn't until recently that I learned that yellow, orange, green and red peppers are not different variety of peppers, but merely at a different stage of ripening.  That feels a lot like me.

Everyone has challenges in their life and everyone has a journey that they go on, no matter how large or small.  My journey has been one of finding confidence, finding self esteem, finding body confidence, finding my voice.  I tried to put descriptive labels on some of my different stages.  I share (some) here:

Age 15  -  I am the fat girl in school.  I want to fit in.  There is still wonderment and hope in the world.  I have hope for my future.  I want to be thin so people will like me.

Age 21 - I am so lost.   I am scared. 

Age 30 - There are people on the internet that think like me, that look like me, that say what they think..........  I'm not good enough.

Age 33 - I am writing.  I am wearing colour for the first time.  A LOT of colour.  I am still terrified of rejection.  I still don't feel good enough.

Today (aged 39.99 years) I am never scared to say what I think.  I probably say too much.  My wardrobe of beautiful, colourful dresses is overflowing.  I have confidence in both myself and my courage of conviction.  I have a fella who makes me feel sexy.  I have amazing friends.  I have self worth.

I am happier today than I have ever been in my life.  This happiness is as a result of the journey of life that I have been on.  The challenges that I have set myself.  The heartbreak and the loves.  The highs, the lows.   The girl who decided to become a woman and make her life as she wanted it to be.

I am proud of just how far that I have come in my life and you know what?  I would love to meet 21 year old me.  To give her advice, to give her a boost.  To tell her that she is going to be ok.  

To tell her that she will never suit red hair, no matter how many times she tries over the years to make it work (written now with another shade of red).

What challenges in your life have changed you?

If you are looking for other blogs to read, you can't go far wrong with reading Let Them Be Small

AD - Let's Talk About Tattoos

I was counting up the other day and I worked out that I have 10 tattoos dotted around my body.  Everyone chooses an tattoo for one reason or another whether it be purely on impulse, something that means to them or just because they have found a decision that they love.

The first 3 tattoos I got were in my early twenties.  Sold by a shop that proclaimed that they would only last 3-5 years, I ended up with a few Chinese symbols and a design around my belly button.  15 years later, a little faded but yes, still there.

I don't mind them given their placement and lack of visibility, but if I had the option to make them disappear with ease, I probably would.

A few years older and hopefully wiser, I was a little more careful with my design choices and placement.  My stars on my left foot (see above), a little butterfly on my wrist which reminded me of my confidence transformation; birds in flight on my other wrist to remind me to always move forward; a commemorative symbol on my ankle for my dad and step dad.

Then, I made another mistake.  Thankfully, hidden behind my hair 99% of the time, so no one normally sees my tattoo mistake.

Tacky, isn't it?

I have thought a few times over the years about laser tattoo removal and for something like that, you want to go to the best.  Somewhere that is very professional, recommended and of course, does an incredible job.  I came across Pulse Light Clinic London during my research and was impressed with their client recommendations and the effort that they put in to show you the process, and the expected results.  

Operating since 1991, Pulse Light offer three different tattoo removal lasers - Q-Switch Rev Light, PicoSure and PicoWay.  All skin colours and all tattoo colours can be worked and even tattoos that other clinics have tried and failed to remove can be dealt with.

I worked out that one of my tattoos to remove, sized at around 2x2 inches would cost around £270.00 which for something that effectively safely removes a tattoo from your body is good value.  They also offer interest free credit on all of their packages and also offer a free consultation so that they can assess your tattoo, give you a price estimation and how many sessions you would need.

This is something that I will definately be thinking more about doing with 1 or 2 of my unwanted tattoos.  Thankfully the unwanted tattoos are hidden from the visible eye when wearing clothes or covered by hair, but you yourself always know that they are there.

Do you have any unwanted tattoos?

Top Tips For What To Wear To A Wedding

I have been invited to a wedding in October and I have already started looking at outfits and shoes, trying to decide what to wear.

For this wedding I have been invited to both the ceremony and subsequent wedding breakfast, going straight through to the evening celebration at another location.  Which poses a problem.  What do you wear that is going to work for both parts of the wedding, at different times of day?

Here are some tips that I think will get you through a wedding with style and without offending the bride!

1.  Stay Classy

If you have been invited to a wedding, chances are that it is going to be a formal event (unless it is on a beach, then you might get a little leeway!).  So this is not a time to bring out your jeans.  Have a really good shop around for something formal, but also ideally something that you can wear again or style up to give you different looks.  No white please!

For the summer months, why not go with a mid length fishtail dress in a bright colour?  This one from SimplyBe is an absolute steal at £25.00.

As the wedding that I am going to is in October so I am looking for something a little more covered, but still stylish.  I love the River Island dresses that are around at the moment and am in love with this one which is very reasonable £65.00 and could be worn to a variety of events, not just a wedding.

2.  Think With Your Feet

Chances are, if you have been invited to both the day and evening events of a wedding, you are going to be on your feet, a lot.  There are a few different things to think about here.  

• You need a pair that are going to work for both day and evening wear.  Glitzy glitter covered heels look fab underneath a disco ball but not so much in a pew at a church.

• You want a heel height that still looks elegant and stylish, whilst also not being too high.  They have to be comfortable enough to wear the shoes for hours on end without killing your feet and of course, you have to be able to dance in them (after you have negotiated uneven flooring outside churches, cobbled streets etc).

• Try to go for neutral tones or black.  Matching that perfect colour of jade green from your dress may seem like a fab idea at the time, but you want to wear a shoe that you can wear again with other outfits (thereby justifying paying slightly more than usual for a gorgeous pair!).

I am loving these shoes at these black diamante shoes from River Island at the moment which have just a touch of sparkle and have a manageable, block heel which shouldn't prove hard to walk in.

Finally,

3.  Remember, it is someone's wedding day

When you are going to day and night event, probably surrounded by many people that you do not know; the urge to have a few more drinks than usual to "ease you up a bit" is an easy one to succumb to.  I know only five people at the wedding I am going to in October and that includes my plus one!

Everyone has a few too many drinks at weddings but make sure that you eat something at the wedding breakfast, have a nibble at the buffet later in the evening.   Tripping the light fantastic on the dance floor is one thing at a wedding, but there is always one that gets too inebriated and can potentially spoil a couple's wedding day.  Don't let that be you!

Exorcising The Ghosts Of Relationships Past

* Long read - you were warned!

Hello there!  It has been sooooooo long since I have written a personal post.  So long since the words have floated around in my head until I had no choice but to filter them down through my fingers on to the page.

As ever, I can articulate so much better when the words flow through my fingers as I type; but tonight is the first time in a long time that the words have danced, demanding to be set free.

So what am I talking about tonight?  The ghosts of past relationships as a fat, insecure woman.

Looking back at past experiences with men in my life is hard for me to remember.  The experience that I have had with relationships is little, the heartache, a lot.  I have been hidden, I have been put up with; I have been the dirty secret and the one that was so nearly "the one", had it not been for my body.

What I have come to realise over the past few months is that although I have been treated badly in the past, I have allowed this to happen to me.  When society and your peers tells you that as a fat woman, you are not good enough, eventually you believe it yourself. So you overcompensate.

When the #MeToo movement was starting to take shape, I shared some of my own experiences of what happened to me in the past.  I was a fat teenager, but I knew that the actions of those that touched and grabbed at me were wrong.  I knew that the words said to me were unacceptable.

I railed against them, but my words were ignored; my experiences were explained away,  when telling others as "wear a baggier school shirt" (I never wore a tight shirt by the by).  "You have large breasts, what can you expect" (erm basic respect?).  A look up and down at my body and a "you should be grateful for the attention" (fuck you).  A  particular teacher comes to mind.

Those last words shaped me and the experiences that I have had with men for a long time.  Not just from them, but people close to me.  That same message. Be grateful.   Take what you can get because you are fat.

So I allowed transgressions to happen to me because, maybe, I should be grateful.  I allowed myself to be hidden because who wants to have a fat girl as a girlfriend, right? Be happy that he likes you in private.

My love life up until this point has been a car crash, with me shaving off pieces of myself and handing them over on a plate trying to find that love, that attraction; so that someone, sometime will think that I am good enough for them.  That I deserve more than to be hidden or been embarrassed by.

The problem with shaving pieces off yourself is that eventually, you start to forget who you really are. When you give so much of yourself away each time with no return, you lose a piece of yourself.

Society and other elements made me feel like I was not good enough.  It is only now that I look back and realise that, as Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently put:

No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent

I have always avoided men that found the larger woman attractive.  I did not understand how they could think of me as more than a fetish.  I had no clue or realisation that someone could actually find me attractive, sexy.

As I type right now, I am dating someone.  We met through Tinder, on my first couple of days when I thought that I would give it a whirl.  We have been dating a few months now.  I will call him A.

With A for the first couple of months I found myself in the same familiar cycle.  The insecurities.  The wondering if he really did find me attractive.  The fear when he said that he liked larger women.  Was I just a fetish?

When you have spent the whole of your adult life with your body as the compromise, it is hard to believe that someone can be turned on by your body.

The thing is, he makes me feel sexy.  I no longer feel like that I need to give so much of myself to overcompensate for my body.  He is attracted to my body and, for the first time in my life; I believe it.

So as these new experiences wash over me, I realise that I am in no rush.  I don't feel the need to be his girlfriend.  I don't have the craving for commitment and am in no rush.  We may progress, we may not.  But I am enjoying dating someone and just, for once, having fun.  The pressure to hand myself, my heart over on a plate is no longer there.

I have no idea what will happen with myself and A.  We may date for a while and it may fizzle out.  It  may progress.  Who knows?  But what I do know is that I can be myself.  I can be goofy.  I can be silly.  Turns out, I am a bit of a tease too, which amuses me endlessly.  I can feel attractive and know that he is attracted to me.  I don't hold back on what I think or who I am.  I may even let him read something that I have written, maybe.

I feel good enough for someone now.  It is a lesson that I had to learn for myself.  If nothing else happens between A and I, that feeling will stay with me.   This thing we have is 50/50.  We are figuring each other out, having fun, enjoying each other without pressure.  I no longer feel, as I have done every other time, like I am on an audition.

We are on a dance and who knows whether it will end or whether we will continue to dance.  All I know is that the pieces of myself that I gave away are coming back to me and it feels amazing.  The parts of me I gave away, I am taking them back.  I have owned who I am for years now.  Now I own what I look like, imperfections, perceived or otherwise; and all.

He has given me the confidence in my body it is true and that won't go whatever happens, but my self worth, I finally took that back for myself.

The dating experience I am having now, I should have had so long ago.  It is only now that I realise that this is what I always deserved.  What has happened before I let happen.   That is on me.  What happens now?  Who knows.  But I sure am enjoying the experience.

Navigating a Dating Life

If you have read this blog before, you may have come cross a post that I wrote in June last year about how I was done with online dating.

It was an experience that I did not forget or stop thinking about in a good while, but eventually I decided that I did not want to be single for the rest of my life so something had to change.  I decided to try a new platform.  This time, Tinder.

To be honest apart my past experiences with online dating made me more than a little dubious but I was as honest as I could be about myself and the images I shared in my profile and decided, what the heck, give it a whirl.

I started talking to someone, I will call him "A" (yes, that is all you are getting) a couple of months ago and we have been dating since then.  So far, no psychotic tendencies I am happy to note!

The thing about dating is that I have not done it in so long that I have forgotten what you are supposed to do.  How to act.  Where to go.  When the other person is similarly out of dating practice too, you are both going blindly ahead.

If you are not used to a dating life for example, you don't know where the dating staple of nice restaurants are in your area, how to navigate to them and figure out between you who is driving, where you are meeting, are you meeting half way?  So many questions.  One of the first things that I did in order to find my way around was to buy a sat nav

Seriously though, how did people function without them?

Naturally I tend to wear my heart on a plate and give it away before I should.  This time, I am being cautious.  I have had my heart broken and have let it be broken before so this time, it is nice just to date, have fun and enjoy ourselves.  Eventually of course something more serious would be nice, but for now, whether it lasts or whether it fizzles out, I am having fun.

I will be talking about dating as a plus size woman in a later post.

I am generally learning the ins and outs of dating but the thing that I am taking from it so far is be honest, be open, don't have preconceptions and go with what you both want and forget what the supposed rules are.  Make your own!  That is what I intend to do from now on.

How about you?

Tips For Summer Holidays When You Are Plus Size

So 3 months today I'm off on holiday to Spain.  It has been 8 years since my last holiday abroad and I CANNOT WAIT.  Of course you know about this because I have been on going on about this for months!

I previously wrote about dressing while plus size on holiday and today I want to talk about how to prepare yourself in terms of confidence and preparing yourself in terms of your skin.

Look After Your Skin

One thing that I am conscious about, especially now that I am 39 is that taking care of your skin in the sun is so important and you have to be prepared.

My skin hates winter and I frequently end up with dry flaky legs and dry patches on my face, no matter what products and creams that I use.  This brings my confidence levels down and makes me cover up more.

I now attend a local thermal spa every month and indulge in the steam and sauna rooms which is fabulous for your skin and the heat exfoliates your skin a thousand times better than any product.  In addition, I am shortly going to be taking a natural collagen supplement in order to improve my skin's elasticity.  This product also helps to protect your skin from sun damage.  I will post a link on the blog when I have finished trying out the product for my thoughts and review.

Bring The Costs Down

As I haven't been on holiday for so long, I am having to buy a lot of things for this holiday when it comes to clothes, products and accessories.

This can prove expensive and one way that I have combated that expense is by researching online for the best prices and also using cashback sites.  You can get cashback on everything from the holiday itself, to travel insurance, to your clothes and the products that you need.

Do What You Need to Elevate Your Confidence Levels

He had to get in on the act!!

As a plus size woman, even with the confidence that I now have, I confess that I do find the prospect of walking around in swimwear, shorts etc a little bit daunting.  Although I feel confidence in myself, the judging eyes and occasional comments can get you down and that is the last thing that you want when you are on holiday.

Going to my local spa every month has increased my confidence exponentially in realising that people are living their own lives, having their own experiences and generally do not care what other people are doing or look like.

But if you are worried about being confidence and secure on holiday, do what I do.  Bring on the glam!!!

Work those Audrey Hepburn inspired sunglasses.  Wear the brightly coloured kaftan or sarong around the pool.  Find that swimsuit, swimdress or bikini that makes you feel fabulous.  Wear a dress every night if you want (I will be).  I have even bought a Spanish inspired fan.

Above all, OWN IT.

I spent far too many years worried about what others thought about my body without ever thinking of what I thought about it.  No more.  I own who I am, what I look like and what I wear and damn, I am going to look and FEEL fabulous on holiday.

On a side note, I share this last photograph of me in a swimsuit for a reason. I reviewed this swimsuit a few months ago and shared it on my blog and Twitter.  An idiot who disagreed with me online recently shared this photograph of me online, without comment, in order to try and silence me.

Pro tip.  If you disagree with me, use your words.  Form an argument.  Grow a set.  Because you will NEVER silence me or make me feel ashamed of my body.  If your only form of argument is to try and silence someone by attempting to disparage their body image, you are the one that needs help.  Not me.

Plus Size Workwear Wishlist

One thing that I love about working in an office is that I get to dress up.  Where I work it is not required that you wear a suit, as long as you look smart and put together.

I am definately one who is never knowingly under dressed and like to experiment with different styles and patterns whilst still looking professional at work.

Here are some of my current favourites on my wishlist.

1   Missguided Twist Dress £35.00

2   River Island dress £60.00

3   Very bodycon dress £19.80

4   BooHoo   Flare Sleeve Blazer £10.00

5   RiverIsland Duster Coat £65.00

6   DorothyPerkins Peplum Pencil Skirt £6.30

Taking The Time to Take Care Of Your Mind

A few years ago it was my good friend Shona's birthday and she wanted to go to a spa for the day and stay over at night.  As it was her 30th birthday, I could not say no, but I was dreading it. 

The whole process and (to be honest), the thought of walking around wearing a swimsuit, did not appeal at all.  I bought a swim dress which eased my nerves a lot and steeled myself for what was ahead.  I cared so much about what other people thought back then.  I worried that it would ruin the day for me.

It turned out to be a revelation.  By the end of a day of relaxing, laying back in the jacuzzi, steam rooms and swimming a few lengths in the pool, my mind was calmer and clearer than it had been for a long time.

Fast forward a few years and I am now a member of my local thermal spa.  I started by going a few times with my friend and then one day, I decided to go it alone for the first time.  This was a huge thing for me, but my mind became so clear and calm every time I went to the spa, that I knew that I needed to try.

Each step that I accomplished sounds so small, but for me, it was a huge leap.  Going on my own in the first place, sitting on my own in the jacuzzi, getting a cocktail, having a meal midday.  The first few times were hard, but the calmness in my mind that followed was worth every step.

Do you like my new swimsuit?  It is the first swimsuit that I have worn in 15 years. Probably more. I have finally gotten to a place in my life where I accept my anxiety issues and am in a better place in my confidence that I have ever been.

Previously on this blog I have posted many photographs of myself.  My dresses that I wear 24/7 do not hide the fact that I am fat, but have always been flattering, cut to diminish size sometimes and whilst always honest, have never left me feeling completely exposed.

Today, here I am.  I have a belly, I have wobbly thighs.  This is me.  Exposed.

I own my body, in every form that it takes.  My legs are thinner than they used to be due to walking my puppa, but do I care if my body does not change further? No.

My body is my own and I accept it whether I remain the size I am now forever, or lose weight.  My weight is unimportant to me.  My self worth, my self confidence and my happiness mean everything.  I am happy.

Now I can sit alone and not feel exposed.  I can sit and have a meal or a drink and not wonder if people are staring at me.  All I care about is that I can go to a place where I can put my feet on the side of the pool and float, looking at the stars in the ceiling above and reach calm.  Wipe my anxiety filled head and feel like me again.

This is a massive step for me, showing myself so exposed on this blog; and it makes me happier than you will ever know.

Last shot of the puppa who wanted to be involved in the photographs today and for someone so cute, who was I to deny him?

*This swimsuit was gifted to me by UK Swimwear but all opinions are my own

3 Tips For Shopping The Sales When You Are Plus Size

I must confess, I am not a fan of shopping in the sales.  Trawling through racks of clothing that have been looked at and rejected by many others before me and jostling for position for that one great item that everyone spots at the same time is not my idea of fun.

That said, the "in the shop" experience is not something that I do, mostly because the nearest shop to cater to my dress size is an hour's travel away.  Which means that 99% of the time, my shopping is online. 

Shopping in the sales online is sooooo much easier and there are many tips and tricks that I have established along the way to ensure that I get the items that I want, for a cheaper price with the minimal time and effort.

Maintain an Offline Shopping Basket

Although I love looking for new clothes, if I am strapped for cash but in need of an item of clothing, there is nothing worse than trawling through a dozen websites and navigating their sales sections.  With this in mind, what I tend to do is whenever I see something I like but cannot yet afford in the regular non sale sections, I note down the link to save for later.

I have a shopping document on my laptop where I note down my favourite items, what they are, the current price and a hyperlink to it.  Sometimes there are just a few items on this list, sometimes dozens when I have a particular event in mind.

Every week I spend around an hour checking out these links to see if any items have gone into the sale.  This technique works particularly well at the end of the season when many items have moved to the sale section.  I don't tend to move with current trends and instead focus more on what I like so I don't worry about what is "in" and "out".

Shopping the Sales in One Go

One of the most frustrating things about shopping in the sales online when you are plus size is the limited options available to you.  You know what I mean.  You hit the sale section, full of hope of finding a bargain.  You click on a section, and then filter to only include your size.  The screen refreshes and you are left with five options.  Four of which you wouldn't dress your grandmother in.

My upgrade version of my offline shopping basket is a site that I have found called LovetheSales that puts together the sales from all the sites and lets you view them all on one website.  Below is a screenshot of a search that I did on the site, filtering down to dresses and my clothing size of 24.

Did you just let out a little "Eeeeeeeek!".  Because I did.  The idea behind the site is that they host all the sale items in one place and then it takes you to the relevant website like Asos or New Look to purchase the item.  Couldn't be simpler!

Look for Discount Codes

This is something that we call should do, but usually forget.  I cannot tell you the amount of times I have shopped on a website, only later to find a 25% discount code that I could have used.  I also have cashback account with a site that I always forget to use.  

By combining items in the sale and discount codes you can often end up with a real bargain and by using my offline method, many of my favourite items have been bought this way.

Do you have any tips for shopping for plus size fashion in the sales?

Summer Wishlist

I feel that I have not talked about fashion for so long!  So to resolve this, today and tomorrow's post will be all fashion focused with favourite items in my most recent purchases and my current wishlist today and tomorrow, I am talking about how to work the sales when you are plus size.

I have always been big on patterns and bright colours.  So today I wanted to share a few pieces that I love that celebrate pattern and colour for the summer months.  First off is a recent purchase of mine, a jumpsuit that I bought from the Joe Brown Collection.

When you are plus size, finding the perfect jumpsuit can be an impossible task depending on your height, shape and the style that you are looking for.  This jumpsuit is perfect for me.  I love the bold pattern.  At 5ft 5 I had to have the length adjusted so that I wasn't falling over the hem and I also replaced the button fastening at the back with a press stud.  It is very easy to get on and off and I love it!

Next up is the dress for all occasions.  This is on my current wishlist as it is the perfect hardworking dress that can cover you for many occasions.  Again, this is a Joe Brown dress from Simply Be 

This dress will cover you for everything from going to work in the summer months to that after work drink with the girls (that turns into a few cocktails on a Friday!) simply by a change of accessories and shoes.  I would also wear this on a weekend for going out to lunch.

In September I am going to Grassington for their annual 40s weekend.  After going last night and loving how everyone had dressed up, this year I decided to do the same.  This is a dress that I have just purchased.

I love the dogwood print (which I confess I thought was cherry blossom when I first saw it).  The fit is just right and I will share photographs of the weekend after the event.  Now I just need to find the right shoes!

Lastly is a dress that is on my current wishlist from the Hell Bunny collection. 

I really like the 50s style with a sexy twist.  The length looks great and I am always a sucker for sweetheart neckline!  This is on my wishlist for the moment as I do not (yet) have the right occasion to wear it.  I may have to create one!

What are your favourite items at the moment?

Not Good Enough

The title is a little depressing isn't it?  Sorry about that.  But I have a million thoughts in my head right now and my blog is the vehicle is take them out and do something with them.  That is what it was created for, so here I am.

Be warned, this is a very honest post and a probably a trigger warning for anyone reading who is feeling and does feel the same as I; not good enough.

I watched a film tonight that I had recorded the other day.  Not my usual genre at all. The Vow.  This is the one with Channing Tatum (ok maybe why I chose to watch it) and Rachel McAdam.  The one where they have a crash and she loses all her memories, including those of him, her husband.

The main focus of the film is him trying to get her to fall back in love with him.  Whilst watching the film a thought entered my head that, I will be honest, has broken me a little ever since.  I thought that in reverse, a man would never fall in love with me twice.

I have struggled with feeling not good enough all of my life.  At first, for many years, I thought that I felt like this because of my body shape, but that isn't it.  I am confident in my body as it is, and wear clothes that do not make me invisible.

Which makes it worse really, because what I do not feel good enough about is myself.  I feel a lot like the picture below.  Stranded on an island with nothing surrounding me, nothing that can reach me.

An island is probably the most accurate description of how I have always felt.  I have been single for the majority of the time since I was 18.  I don't know why.  That is just how it is.  At 38, I think a lot now that maybe this is the way that I will always be.  I have amazing friends, a lovely but small family; maybe this is how it is going to be.

I have tried online dating.  I got a lot of responses, mainly from people who wanted to make me a fetish, others that copy and pasted their messages en masse to any woman they saw and of course, the most recent encounter with a potentially dangerous man.

I have been in love (really totally in love) once in my life.  With someone who was 95% right for me but someone who I knew deep down would never love me.  But damn, I loved him.  I used to say that he broke my heart but in reality, I broke my own on someone who I knew loved me as a friend, but nothing else.  Drunken kisses and "other things" didn't help matters.  He loved me, but not my body and that was my fault.  I couldn't accept that.

Every time I meet someone I seem to strive to change myself into what I think that they want me to be.  I change who am I, and then lose myself.  I cannot get over the overriding thought that I am not good enough as I am.

Jesus this is honest isn't it?  I don't like being this honest but if I am not, my mind will shove those feelings back into the box in my brain and not think about it again for a while; which is not healthy.  Publishing this means my words, and thoughts are real and not taken back and denied in the "I am fine, honestly!" kind of way.

So where do I go from here?  I don't know.  All I know right now is that I never feel good enough and that I unconsciously run from anyone who I think may like me, for fear of rejection.  I don't want to feel like this anymore because I AM good enough.

My head knows that. I just need my heart to remember that.

Signing off now.  Thanks for listening.

Why I'm Done With Online Dating

* This is a bit of a read

I never thought that online dating was for me.  I always wanted that chance meeting in a coffee shop, eyes meeting across the street; a friend that turned into the one you love.  That never happened for me and I decided what the hell?  Give online dating a whirl.

 

Tinder was never going to be for me,  The idea of swiping left or right (I never figured out which way was which) just on the basis of someone's face seemed superficial to me.  If you are looking for a partner, it has to be based on personality too.  This is a person you are, hopefully, going to spend the rest of your life with.  Tinder is for hook ups, nothing more.

My commitment to online dating was dubious at best so I chose a free dating site, Plenty of Fish.  I filled out my profile, was as honest as I could be and added the photos.  I decided in advance that the "Hi" messages were not going to get a reply. The people with the "fill out later" profiles were of no interest.

I have had more "Hi"s than I can count.  Some with more of a reply who were basically looking for a hook up.  Some who blatantly copied and pasted their auto first message.  I lost interest and only went on the site now and again.

I met my first online date after weeks of talking and finding more about each other.  He seemed like a nice guy and was really into me, which is always good.  I will call him T.  We lived over an hour away from each other but he was happy to come to me, which was a good sign.  We met in a local pub and within the first five minutes he was telling me that he had very severe anger issues and had been referred to a psychiatrist.  Great.

We messaged a few times after but I had no interest in meeting again.  I had no desire to have any kind of relationship with someone with anger issues.  The anger issues came out when I told him I could no longer commit to messaging him as my step dad had died.  He went ballistic.  Goodbye.

I went on the site less and less, dabbling occasionally on weekends but the messages I received were still the usual.  I went on a few more dates but there was a mutual no "click".  Then I got a message from, we will call him S.  S sent a great first message and his profile, actually filled out for a change was interesting.

We talked for around three weeks, first on the site and then moving to WhatsApp.  We had similar interests, a similar outlook on life and I really liked him.  We agreed to meet in Manchester which was a middling distance between us.

On the Saturday before our mid week date, I realised that there was something inaccurate on my profile; namely that when I created it, I was not smoking and now I am (yes  I know, bad Vicky).  I thought it was only fair that I let S know this in case he changed his mind about wanting to meet with me.

S was the kind of person who was texting me morning, noon and night, every day. If he didn't hear back from me after an hour, he would send another text to see what I was doing.  *Edit* on reading this paragraph after I typed it, I realised just how much of a red flag that is, and wonder how the hell I didn't think that at the time.

I did not hear back from him for the rest of the day, which was unusual for him but I figured maybe he wasn't into a smoker.

Just after midnight (when he starts his night shift) I got my first message.  Incensed that I had not told him previously, not believing that I did not know what my profile said as "he knew what was on his profile, every minute of the day!.  He demanded that I explained myself.

I responded, telling me I wouldn't be spoken to like that, especially after being honest.  I said that I no longer wished to meet and, not knowing how best to end the message, finished with "take care". Turns out that telling someone to take care is not the best idea.

From just after midnight to the time when I eventually blocked him completely at 3.30am, he proceeded to call me every variation of the whore that he could think of.  A "man like him would not be told to take care by a girl like me" apparently.

I don't know how many messages I received.  One probably every five minutes for a good three hours.  By the end, the combination of insults and thinly veiled (almost) threats, I was scared.  What I should have done is save the conversation, screenshot the worst of it and ring 101 the next day.  Hell, I could even have reported him to his employers considering that he was doing all of this on work time.

But I didn't think.  I was scared.  The level of rage directed at me was overwhelming and I will be honest,  I felt really scared for a few days.  Even though he knew what town I lived in but not my address, I found myself jumping at sounds outside when I let the dog outside.  He was a self professed "techie" and he knew I blogged.

Along with blocking him on WhatsApp and blocking him from POF, I also deleted my profile.  It is too easy to hide your true self on the internet.  I know that my personality is more exaggerated on the internet when I talk on Twitter or speak on my blog.  Because on here, I am unfiltered.  This goes the same for people who wish to hide their true selves.

I consider myself as having a lucky escape.  If I had not messaged him that day, I would have met up with him the following week.  If we had clicked,  I could have found out his true self when alone with him, heaven forbid at his place or somewhere on our own.

So I am done with online dating.  My match, my soul match if I ever find one will have to find me in pre internet ways.  I no longer trust the face on the internet.

Your Body Image

I have been thinking about body image a lot lately and what I have begun to realise is that how people deal with their body image is sectioned off into three groups: “The Happy”, “The Openly Insecure” and the “In The Closet Insecure”.

“The Happy” are those that have a good self image of themselves and do not let others thoughts or opinions affect that.  You are either born this like or you have worked hard in order to attain and maintain this self image.  Either way, it is the best frame of mind to be in.

“The Openly Insecure” are those that let others opinions affect how they feel about their own body image.  As a side effect to this, by accepting other’s insults and allowing that to factor into the way they think about themselves, they can also develop a “not good enough” complex. 

I spent about twenty five years in the not good enough complex so I know how this feels.  It is a feeling that creeps back into your life sometimes and so I always keep an eye out for it and mentally whack myself around the head when I feel like that.

The “In The Closet Insecure” are those that use their own insecurities about their own body image as a weapon against others whom they perceive look “worse” than they do.  This can come out in the pure insult form, which is essentially boils down to “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me” or alternatively comes out in the form of anger. 

It was this anger that confused me for a good while until I realised that that it wasn’t anger at all.  It was jealousy. 

The “In The Closet Insecure” person sees someone who may be larger than they are, or someone who they think is less attractive and if this person looks confident and happy in their own skin then their anger is immediately provoked. 

How do they have the audacity to feel better about themselves than I do?  I look better than them; why do they look happier than I do?  Their base line of thinking is that they cannot stand someone who is secure in their own self image when they perceive them to be “worth less” in their eyes than they are.  Confused by what they see, they hurl anger and abuse; trying to bring the other person down to the same state of misery as their own; not that will ever admit that.

When it comes down to it, bad body image is learned behaviour. 

No baby is born thinking that it is not good enough to be around others.  No child thinks that she/he is ugly until someone else tells them they are.  Until they socially interact with others, nobody ever links their weight to how they should be treated as a person.

I still remember when I was a little girl, watching my mum get ready to go with my dad on a Saturday.  As I watched her, I didn’t judge her against anyone else or think about how society thought that she ought to look.  She was just my mother and I thought (and still do) she looked beautiful.

I think that one of the most important things that you can teach a child when growing up is that they need to find their own sense of self.  To rely on what they think about themselves rather than letting others define who they are and what they should look like.

The question that we need to constantly ask ourselves is not “What do others think of me” but “What do I think of me”.  Because the answer to that question is all that really matters.

Vintage with a Modern Twist

I love all things vintage.  Vintage clothes, vintage accessories, old pieces of furniture; I love it all.

When it comes to vintage clothing, there are so many options out there.  When you are plus size, it can be hard to source vintage pieces that work with your body; but there are out there if you look!  There are many sites now that also offer vintage inspired pieces with a modern twist so I thought that we could play a game today; which is the real vintage and which is not!

Now, I am going to share the links so that you can buy/look at the dresses if you wish, but first, comment in the comment section which you think are authentic vintage, and which aren't!

Top Left: Floral Dress Modcloth

Top Right: Peach Dress Rokit

Bottom Left: Blue & Gold Dress Rokit

Bottom Right: Red Dress Starlet

I thought that I would share a couple of pictures with a some of my dresses which I have tried to work with a combination of a modern and vintage style.

Finally, a glimpse of a closet that I always dreamed of.

I look forward to seeing your guesses in the comments section!