Waiting for The One

 

I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with much later than normal.  Although, what is normal?  In my case, I was 39.  So yes, much later than the average let us say.

I spent years of my life having no confidence, no self worth.  Having a meaningful relationship with someone is not really possible or at least certainly not healthy when you feel this way about yourself.  I met men here and there of course and had a few short relationships, but nothing that I would have called one that would last.

I always knew the kind of man that I wanted to be with.  Although I did not visualise him in my head other than the usual kind of physical attributes that you find attractive, in my case a good smile and taller than me; I knew the type of man that I felt would be the one.  I somehow felt that there was just the one person for me, somewhere.

My lack of confidence aside, I also knew that this was something that I would not be willing to compromise on.  I was prepared to walk alone on the winding path of my life forever if I did not find him.  Nearing 39, I had reached a point where I knew that this was likely to be the case.

This is something that the people around me I think found hard to understand.  I wanted a relationship, wanted to be with someone.  I wanted desperately to fall in love, but I also knew in myself, somehow, that that one person would just come along and I would know.  A fool’s wish you may say.  Unrealistic expectations that would more than likely not be realised.

Looking back now, I realise that I would have been ready for a proper relationship much earlier than when I found him.  I worked on myself for years, finding my confidence, my self worth, my voice.  Being happy in who and what I was, was only a recent thing.

I do believe in fate, in the right timing and in trusting your gut.  So you can appreciate, or maybe you can’t, that it felt like the stars aligned when I found myself, and then found him.

I had been on a couple of dates in the months previous, each of them ending with me running for the hills.  One who admitted on the date that he was diagnosed with severe anger issues and was seeing a Psychiatrist about his violent behaviour and the other who was just, very very odd.  Absolutely not my type, or my kind of odd (aren’t we all looking for our particular brand of crazy?).

I then started talking to this man online and from the beginning I had butterflies.  He was handsome, but more than that he was interesting.  He had thoughts about a million different subjects.  He intrigued me in a way that I never have been before.  

We had our first date and no alarm bells rang.  He was as interesting in person as his messages and I found him extremely attractive.  The butterflies grew in size.  I was cautious about my heart and wary about getting too excited, but after a few dates with this man, I could not help myself.  

Still I exercised caution.  My problem has always been that I give my heart away when I should not.  The only man that I had really loved before was a massive mistake.  A friend.  Someone who I tried to morph myself into being the person that he would want.  He didn't.   In hindsight he was also not the right person for me.  At all.  In fact I don't think that he would like the person that I am now.  That thought amuses me.

When I give my heart, you get all of it.  I am like the Oodkind from Doctor Who.  I hold my heart in my hand and I offer it completely.   I knew that if I fell for this man I had just met as I knew I was doing, he would have my whole heart.  Not something that you should trifle with or give away lightly.

We really spent our time getting to know each other.  He said that he had not been looking for a relationship, having only got out of a long term relationship 6 months earlier.  But then, as he said, he found me.  We found each other.

Nearly 6 years on, I write this with a smile on my face.  I look at my phone which has his picture saved on my home screen and every time, my face lights up.  He is, without a shadow of a doubt, the man that I was waiting for.

I am the ying to his yang and together, we have both found a happiness that neither thought was possible.  He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he encourages me and we talk about so much, all of the time.  I found my peace and my joy with him.  He tells me that no one has ever loved him like I do. I feel the same.  

He was worth the wait.  I also, as I said before, believe that I would not have been ready myself for this relationship until the time we met.  Every thing I went through in my life, every journey, every voyage of discovery I took within myself led me to him.

I look forward to spending my forever with this man and I forever grateful that I trusted my gut that told me that one day, he would arrive.

Here's to love.

Celebrating The Quiet Ones

Six years ago, practically to the day, I wrote about the shiny people that pass through your life.

You know the kind of people I mean.  The ones that shine so bright in your eyes that they seem to attract the sun itself.  They sparkle (in a non Twilight vampire kind of way). They are the ones who flit around, directly their "in favour spotlight" on person after person, who each falls in love with their shine, only to then be left in the cold.

You can spend years without realising with these people in your circles, having once or twice experienced that glow and (most of the time unconsciously) seeking it out again at all costs, like an addict craves heroine. 

They are the human equivalent of Fool's Gold.  They do not provide you with real love or friendship other than what they want to offer.

I have had two of those shiny kind of people in my life, one of whom broke my heart and inspired my original blog post.  Looking back in retrospect, I broke my own heart.  He was never mine and he never loved me.  He loved my love for him.  I wasted far too many years pining for something that didn't exist.

Today however, I want to talk about the quiet people in your life.  

You do not  have to have the loudest voice or the biggest personality to have a major impact on someone's life.  Sometimes it is the quiet, unassuming people that are a constant in your life that you will always carry in your heart.

Four years ago today, we lost my wonderful step dad.  He was more than I could ever have hoped for.

When I lost my own dad at eight, I knew that no one could ever replace him.  When my mum married a year later to this nice man with the kind eyes who seemed to adore my mum, I was still understandably wary.

Yet he never tried to be my dad.  He just immediately and forever treated me like his own daughter.  He was a quiet man with not too much to say.  He was laid back, so much so we used to joke he should have wheels on his head.

He would have done anything for me and I knew that I could always count on him.  I never called him dad.  He understood why.  But I loved him like he was.  He was my H and I knew he would have stepped in front of a truck for me. 

What I remind myself of constantly now is to remember the people that stay with you.  They quietly walk by your side and stand by you.  They are the most important people that will be in your life, when all the glitter and sparkle is put aside.

We must always remember not to take advantage of their good nature, and take the time to thank them.

Thank you H.  You meant the world to me.

Exorcising The Ghosts Of Relationships Past

* Long read - you were warned!

Hello there!  It has been sooooooo long since I have written a personal post.  So long since the words have floated around in my head until I had no choice but to filter them down through my fingers on to the page.

As ever, I can articulate so much better when the words flow through my fingers as I type; but tonight is the first time in a long time that the words have danced, demanding to be set free.

So what am I talking about tonight?  The ghosts of past relationships as a fat, insecure woman.

Looking back at past experiences with men in my life is hard for me to remember.  The experience that I have had with relationships is little, the heartache, a lot.  I have been hidden, I have been put up with; I have been the dirty secret and the one that was so nearly "the one", had it not been for my body.

What I have come to realise over the past few months is that although I have been treated badly in the past, I have allowed this to happen to me.  When society and your peers tells you that as a fat woman, you are not good enough, eventually you believe it yourself. So you overcompensate.

When the #MeToo movement was starting to take shape, I shared some of my own experiences of what happened to me in the past.  I was a fat teenager, but I knew that the actions of those that touched and grabbed at me were wrong.  I knew that the words said to me were unacceptable.

I railed against them, but my words were ignored; my experiences were explained away,  when telling others as "wear a baggier school shirt" (I never wore a tight shirt by the by).  "You have large breasts, what can you expect" (erm basic respect?).  A look up and down at my body and a "you should be grateful for the attention" (fuck you).  A  particular teacher comes to mind.

Those last words shaped me and the experiences that I have had with men for a long time.  Not just from them, but people close to me.  That same message. Be grateful.   Take what you can get because you are fat.

So I allowed transgressions to happen to me because, maybe, I should be grateful.  I allowed myself to be hidden because who wants to have a fat girl as a girlfriend, right? Be happy that he likes you in private.

My love life up until this point has been a car crash, with me shaving off pieces of myself and handing them over on a plate trying to find that love, that attraction; so that someone, sometime will think that I am good enough for them.  That I deserve more than to be hidden or been embarrassed by.

The problem with shaving pieces off yourself is that eventually, you start to forget who you really are. When you give so much of yourself away each time with no return, you lose a piece of yourself.

Society and other elements made me feel like I was not good enough.  It is only now that I look back and realise that, as Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently put:

No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent

I have always avoided men that found the larger woman attractive.  I did not understand how they could think of me as more than a fetish.  I had no clue or realisation that someone could actually find me attractive, sexy.

As I type right now, I am dating someone.  We met through Tinder, on my first couple of days when I thought that I would give it a whirl.  We have been dating a few months now.  I will call him A.

With A for the first couple of months I found myself in the same familiar cycle.  The insecurities.  The wondering if he really did find me attractive.  The fear when he said that he liked larger women.  Was I just a fetish?

When you have spent the whole of your adult life with your body as the compromise, it is hard to believe that someone can be turned on by your body.

The thing is, he makes me feel sexy.  I no longer feel like that I need to give so much of myself to overcompensate for my body.  He is attracted to my body and, for the first time in my life; I believe it.

So as these new experiences wash over me, I realise that I am in no rush.  I don't feel the need to be his girlfriend.  I don't have the craving for commitment and am in no rush.  We may progress, we may not.  But I am enjoying dating someone and just, for once, having fun.  The pressure to hand myself, my heart over on a plate is no longer there.

I have no idea what will happen with myself and A.  We may date for a while and it may fizzle out.  It  may progress.  Who knows?  But what I do know is that I can be myself.  I can be goofy.  I can be silly.  Turns out, I am a bit of a tease too, which amuses me endlessly.  I can feel attractive and know that he is attracted to me.  I don't hold back on what I think or who I am.  I may even let him read something that I have written, maybe.

I feel good enough for someone now.  It is a lesson that I had to learn for myself.  If nothing else happens between A and I, that feeling will stay with me.   This thing we have is 50/50.  We are figuring each other out, having fun, enjoying each other without pressure.  I no longer feel, as I have done every other time, like I am on an audition.

We are on a dance and who knows whether it will end or whether we will continue to dance.  All I know is that the pieces of myself that I gave away are coming back to me and it feels amazing.  The parts of me I gave away, I am taking them back.  I have owned who I am for years now.  Now I own what I look like, imperfections, perceived or otherwise; and all.

He has given me the confidence in my body it is true and that won't go whatever happens, but my self worth, I finally took that back for myself.

The dating experience I am having now, I should have had so long ago.  It is only now that I realise that this is what I always deserved.  What has happened before I let happen.   That is on me.  What happens now?  Who knows.  But I sure am enjoying the experience.

Not Good Enough

The title is a little depressing isn't it?  Sorry about that.  But I have a million thoughts in my head right now and my blog is the vehicle is take them out and do something with them.  That is what it was created for, so here I am.

Be warned, this is a very honest post and a probably a trigger warning for anyone reading who is feeling and does feel the same as I; not good enough.

I watched a film tonight that I had recorded the other day.  Not my usual genre at all. The Vow.  This is the one with Channing Tatum (ok maybe why I chose to watch it) and Rachel McAdam.  The one where they have a crash and she loses all her memories, including those of him, her husband.

The main focus of the film is him trying to get her to fall back in love with him.  Whilst watching the film a thought entered my head that, I will be honest, has broken me a little ever since.  I thought that in reverse, a man would never fall in love with me twice.

I have struggled with feeling not good enough all of my life.  At first, for many years, I thought that I felt like this because of my body shape, but that isn't it.  I am confident in my body as it is, and wear clothes that do not make me invisible.

Which makes it worse really, because what I do not feel good enough about is myself.  I feel a lot like the picture below.  Stranded on an island with nothing surrounding me, nothing that can reach me.

An island is probably the most accurate description of how I have always felt.  I have been single for the majority of the time since I was 18.  I don't know why.  That is just how it is.  At 38, I think a lot now that maybe this is the way that I will always be.  I have amazing friends, a lovely but small family; maybe this is how it is going to be.

I have tried online dating.  I got a lot of responses, mainly from people who wanted to make me a fetish, others that copy and pasted their messages en masse to any woman they saw and of course, the most recent encounter with a potentially dangerous man.

I have been in love (really totally in love) once in my life.  With someone who was 95% right for me but someone who I knew deep down would never love me.  But damn, I loved him.  I used to say that he broke my heart but in reality, I broke my own on someone who I knew loved me as a friend, but nothing else.  Drunken kisses and "other things" didn't help matters.  He loved me, but not my body and that was my fault.  I couldn't accept that.

Every time I meet someone I seem to strive to change myself into what I think that they want me to be.  I change who am I, and then lose myself.  I cannot get over the overriding thought that I am not good enough as I am.

Jesus this is honest isn't it?  I don't like being this honest but if I am not, my mind will shove those feelings back into the box in my brain and not think about it again for a while; which is not healthy.  Publishing this means my words, and thoughts are real and not taken back and denied in the "I am fine, honestly!" kind of way.

So where do I go from here?  I don't know.  All I know right now is that I never feel good enough and that I unconsciously run from anyone who I think may like me, for fear of rejection.  I don't want to feel like this anymore because I AM good enough.

My head knows that. I just need my heart to remember that.

Signing off now.  Thanks for listening.

4 Tips To Have A Challenging Conversation With Your Partner

There will always be conversations that are hard to initiate. Those topics that couples usually don't talk about just to avoid being in a heated argument. Or perhaps, you are afraid to talk how you feel to your partner because it might make things worse. You feel stuck, and you do not know how to do it.

No matter how worse things might get, it is still better that you and your partner get to have a proper conversation. This way, both of you does not have to carry a burden in your hearts, and also to resolve any issues.

If you are having a hard time to do this, here are 4 tips to having a challenging conversation with your partner.

1. Choose the right time to talk.

This is the most important thing to consider if you want to engage in a challenging conversation with your partner. Try to choose a time where it both suits you. Do not just open a topic the moment they walk into the room after an exhausting day at work. Choose a moment where both of you are at your best. Try to ask them if it is the right time for the both of you to have a conversation. It is extremely important that both of you have the willingness to engage in a challenging conversation. Otherwise, find a better time.

2. Listen if your partner is talking.

A great conversation happens when the two people respect each other. And with that, it means that you give your partner a chance to talk. Be open and listen to your partner has to say in order to have a better conversation. Resist yourself from interrupting. Let them finish what they have to say, and do not stop them at mid-sentence.

3. Make your partner understand how important it is to have this specific conversation.

A lot of couples tend to forget on making their partners understand why they have to have to talk about some things. It is important that you let them know that talking things out can help both of you feel better emotionally and even physically. For instance, you may be worried about your sexual health, and you want you and your partner to get tested for STD or STI. Asking your partner to get tested can be extremely difficult because it is a touchy matter. This can be a very challenging topic to acknowledge, but if you can let them know how important it is, you will have a greater chance at having this conversation. However, it is important that you find out more about this certain topic before you open up to your partner.

4. Do not accuse.

Accusations can definitely kill a conversation. Try to keep the problem at hand by focusing on the main issue, and avoid accusing. This means that you also need to avoid bringing up ancient issues even it is related to your issue now. Stay on track and be level-headed. Do not do the blame game.

* Collaborative Piece

Cracking the Heart Open

Day 24 - Your 3 Worst Traits

Everyone has bad traits. You can either work on them or embrace them, I am trying to work on mine.

Impatience

I have infinite amount of patience when it comes to waiting for things. Be it waiting for a long planned event or waiting for a long delayed bus to arrive, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Where impatience catches me out is when I am trying to teach someone to do something. If they don’t understand immediately I am instantly irritated. I have been actively working on this and am trying to improve.

Too Trusting

I wander around in the world with my heart on a plate. Like the Ood in Doctor Who, I automatically put my trust in people, give them my loyalty and once you are a good friend of mine; you get a little piece of my heart too.

For the most part this works well in a friendship and I have some absolutely amazing best friends whom I adore. It also works against me because I have had heartbreak when I have invested my emotions in people who weren't worth them.

Finally, the one I can't shake.....

Presumption

I was reading today the brilliant blog of Callie Thorpe From the Corners of the Curve She was talking about when she met her boyfriend and she presumed that he was a “chubby chaser” and it was only upon seeing a photograph of his ex size 8 girlfriend that she really believed that he loved her for being her. The whole of her.

That is what I want. My head and my heart both presume I can't have it. I walk into a room and I automatically presume that any men in that room wouldn't fancy me, wouldn't want to spend time with me; wouldn't want to be seen with me, would be embarrassed. I can't shake it.

I am much more confident than I used to be. I wear my clothes with confidence now and my head is raised a little higher than before. I have self esteem and self respect. I don't cross the road now when I see a group of people.

Except when thoughts of the opposite sex come into play. Then I am back to square one. Where I am still the girl that moved away from a date at the bar when his friends appeared, in case he would be embarrassed to be seen with me. I'm 34 for fuck's sake. I need to shake this feeling or I really will be alone forever.

No by the way, I don't need a man to “complete me”. But it would be kind of nice not to walk through all the days of my life with just me.

What the hell is it about blogging that makes you just slice your heart open and pour it onto a page? It is quite cathartic for me in some ways, but then you read something back at the later date and you can't quite believe that you were quite that open.

So there you go...... Day 24 of the #30DayBloggerChallenge.... It's surprising what comes out of your head when you start typing on a page....

Check out the other ladies, hopefully their traits will be a little more amusing than mine!!

Beth http://tinkerbellandthelostgirls.blogspot.co.uk/ 
Claire http://lifeonadifferentlevel.blogspot.co.uk/

Karen http://toodulltoblog.blogspot.co.uk/ 

Kaye http://www.polishedcurves.com 

Laura http://laurapantslifestyle.blogspot.co.uk/ 
Lisa http://lookingforlisa.blogspot.co.uk/ 

Mhairi http://www.lilybobombslovelylumps.com/ 

Natalie http://awheelbarrowfullofstyle.blogspot.co.uk 
Nikki http://nattynikki.blogspot.com 

Steph http://seeingsp0ts.blogspot.co.uk/ 
Verena http://APlusSizeFashionObsession.blogspot.co.uk 

Vicky http://TheCurvedOpinion.com

Waiting for the Cast to Set

I think that it was Joan Didion that said “I write to find out what I think”.  That is something that applies to me.  I have learnt so much of what I really think by just typing away, letting my fingers do the talking and seeing what comes out.

I’ve just realised that sentence could be completely misconstrued as something dirty.  But you know what I meant.  Carrying on!

What I learned today is that whilst you find out what you think when you write, when you read you are sometimes forced to face up to things that you already know.  I read the fabulous @archedeyebrow post today On the Flipside and I have to admit that it broke me a little bit.

One thing that resonated with me completely was the line “If you’ve grown up fat, you’ve grown up knowing no one will ever want you”.

Whilst I have made leaps and bounds in my confidence in so many ways, when it comes to the opposite sex and relationships, I’m still the girl that wants to hide away.  The invisible “F off” that I wrote about in The Sign on Your Head is still a part of me. 

Because I’ve been working so hard on confidence in my personality and confidence in what I wear, that part I’ve allowed to just fester in the shadows. 

I think the thing that exasperates me the most is that at heart, I know the way I feel is my own fault.  The reason I have been single over the years, apart from the fact that I live in a small town, is that invisible “Get lost” on my forehead. 

My presumption that no one will be interested, or if they were, wouldn’t want to admit it in public has taken over years of my life and has stopped any potential relationships, except toxic ones.  It has to stop.  I don’t want to feel like that anymore.  But it’s me that has to make the change.  I’m just afraid.

Now the issue has been highlighted once again, I can try to start to change the way I think.  What helps is that by reading other people’s experiences I know that I am not on my own and it isn’t just me that thinks this way.

It is up to ourselves to mould and shape the person that we want to be and for some of us, it just takes a little longer for the cast to set.