Saying Goodbye To My Thirties

*Long read

So here it is.  The last day of my thirties.  Tomorrow, I will be 40 years old.

40 doesn't sound like something that should apply to me.  It so old.  Middle aged.   Oh Jesus.....

40 sounds like a person who knows what they are doing, more adult than I sometimes feel.  When a problem arises I still sometimes look around the room for an adult.  Someone more adult than I.  So, not like I have a choice in the matter, I am ready to be 40?

Yes, I think that I am.

The past two decades have not been easy, especially between my mid twenties and early thirties.  I had no confidence, I lived in a sea of black clothing and had little self worth.  I went in and out of depression and anxiety and sometimes, felt so sad that I wondered what the point of it all was.

Feelings of happiness, passion and hope seemed to be watered down and only on the occasional day did glimpses of them appear.  An emotional blunting or dulling of effect.

Certain people blazed a trail through my life like a shooting star.  All bright and beautiful till it crashes and burns.  Others disappointed me and abused my trust more than words can say.

That isn't to say that I did not also have fun over those years.  I had lots.  But I knew that I was not the person that I was supposed to be.  I was masked.  A fog covered me.

But then.  I started to write.  I found Twitter and found a voice that I never knew that I had.  A voice that was hidden on the internet so I was free to say what I wanted.  But I was still shy.  Still scared.

Then I started to blog.  I found plus size bloggers and found a world of colour and confidence that exploded my mind.  Fat women, like me, who wore colour and pattern.  They were self assured, knew who they were; they had confidence and sass.  Everything that I wanted.  I vowed to change.

This review was my first outing as a plus size blogger.  I cannot tell you how many photographs were taken and discarded.  How times I wrote the post and published, only to delete, rewrite, edit and publish again.

My confidence grew.  I grew to love pattern and found my confidence.

I did a photo shoot (cue moody pout).  I modeled (Can you see the smile?  That was happiness right there.)  Still not sure about that jumper though haha

I went from someone who actively hid from the camera, to someone who loves a good selfie.  I became more confident and with that, I got angry.

In the past few years, my focus has changed from the confidence in what I look like and the image that I present to the world, to what I think and what I say.  My blog pieces have become more serious and focused.  My voice on Twitter has expanded and I no longer am afraid to say anything that I think.  This has both lost and gain followers.  I care not.

I quit smoking 2 months ago.  Whether coincidence or not, the emotional blunting that I have experienced for so many years has gone.  I feel all the good.  The happiness I now have in my life, the joy, the expectation, the hope.  The excitement for the future.

I went on a spa day today with my best friend.  Someone who has been my best friend since I was 15 years old.  She has been there through every up and down, every high and every low.  She has seen the best and the worst in me.

She has seen all the recent changes in me over the recent years in confidence, in clothing, in what I say and what I share and think.  But she told me today that finally, after so long, she is now seeing the person that she first met, all those years ago.  Free, confident, happy, expectant, hopeful and most importantly, completely and utterly myself, without the fog that has covered me for so long.

I am back to myself again.  I would say that that is a damn good way to start your 40s.  Wouldn't you?

5 Things To Do Every Day To Feel Empowered

The process of spotting fear and refusing to obey it, is the source of all true empowerment.

- Martha Beck

Feeling empowered is one of the greatest feelings in the world. As women, we should always feel strong and in control. But feeling empowered can be hard to master and sometimes we need a little help.

One of the (probably first) ways that I actively empowered myself was when I was invited to an overnight blogger event in London. I was terrified. A combination of my social anxiety and the worry about having to travel and traverse London on my own was daunting. Not to mention a social gathering with nobody that I knew.

What I did to combat this was to break everything down into sections, Meticulously planning the travel arrangements and times. I printed out the route from Manchester to London so I knew what stops I would go through. I had a map of how to get from the tube station to my hotel. My subway passes were purchased ahead of time. I contacted someone who said that they were going to the event to meet up outside of the event. I planned each step of the journey and event and made them into sections. After each section was completed, my confidence grew more and more.

Empowering yourself is a process and some of the things we do each day can contribute to that feeling. Here are some ideas that could help you to feel empowered:

Don't Be Afraid To Promote Yourself
Every one of us has a skill of some sort. The problem is that many of us like to hide our talents under a bushell instead of promoting and using what we have. Each time I write and share a blog post I feel proud of myself for doing it and simultaneously slightly guilty for putting myself forward. To counter that, I push forward a little more.

Do A Form Of Exercise You Like

Exercise can help you to de-stress, as well as feel stronger and happier. People look at exercise all wrong, and think that it’s for those who want to shed the pounds. Instead, look at it as a way to make you feel like your best self. I love to walk my dog Simba after work when I come home. It is just me, my little puppa and my thoughts. It invigorates my mind and is something I really enjoy.

Dress However You Like

Don’t listen to anybody who says you can’t wear what you want. Wake up in the morning and put something on that makes you happy, whether it’s a crop top that shows off your curves or a pair of ridiculous trousers that brighten up your day!

My sense of style breaks "the fat rules" in that I do not conform. I wear a busy, bright patterned dress every single day. It is part of who I am and gives me a sense of self.

Affirmations
When I know that I am going to have a particularly trying week at work or I have organised a night out that I am nervous about due to my social anxiety, I set up reminders on my phone to hit me just at the right moment.  Just simple phrases.  You can do this.  You are enjoying yourself, just take a moment.  You are enough.  You know that you can do this.  It may feel silly at first but it really does work.


Empowering yourself does not happen overnight, but step by step, section by section, you will one day feeling like the confident women you always knew you were.  

Take A Selfie

A selfie is a signal that we want to be seen, that we feel confident. Whether you’re taking a picture of your makeup masterpiece or the incredible outfit you’ve put together that day, just do it! Take that selfie, take a thousand of them.  Embrace that face that is uniquely yours and recognise the beauty within it.  For tips of how to take that perfect selfie, check out the selfie guide

Credit to Mary at MyTrendyPhone.co.uk

Embracing You

I saw a quote by Hugh Laurie this week that really struck a chord with me.

That is what I think about confidence.  If I had a pound for every time during my life that I have thought "When I am older, I'll be confident then" or "Maybe I would be confident if I were to change x, y and z about myself" then I would probably be a billionaire today.

NO.  Strive for confidence now.  DO NOT WAIT.

You can your whole life thinking "If only I was thinner, taller; prettier, then I will be happy", or, alternatively, you can live your life and be happy.  But how?

How do you suddenly become confident?  Well the answer is, at least it was for me, is that confidence is not an instant thing.  It takes work.  It is a journey.  You are constantly learning.  You will have off days.  But they are just bumps in a very long road that has your happiness at the end of it.

The trick for me, was to start small.  What do you think will improve your confidence?  Do you love fashion?  Start with that.  Do you love makeup? Play around.  For me, in a wardrobe full of black, it started with colourful shoes.

Next, the wardrobe.  I knew I loved colour and pattern, but going there was a long journey.  But one day....

This next photo took so much confidence, you can see the trepidation on my face.  The fear.  But I did it.  Which led me to, a couple of months ago wandering round a spa in this swimsuit without a care in the world.

 One thing that really helped me with my confidence was to do a photo shoot.  This was arranged by the utterly fabulous Pamper & Curves.  Betty Pamper was running a vintage style photoshoot and I jumped at the chance.  You can see the pictures from the shoot in the link above, but this is a selfie I took between shots.  I felt beautiful.  It was a cornerstone of finding my confidence.

But it isn't just about makeup and clothes.  Who are you?  Who is that person that you have been hiding beneath your under confident self?  Who is the person that your friends have seen glimpses of and know is there, even if you don't.

Use your voice.  Think about what drives you, what you are passionate about and start speaking out.  Be present.  You are allowed to have an opinion if you want it.  

It took a long time for me to realise that the size of my body and the way I looked did not mean that I was not entitled to speak my mind.  I realised that being fat was only a very small part of who I was.  I began to embrace the outside, love it, but also, let the real me out.  The one talking to you now.

I have seen and spoken to people who are much older in years than I who never found their confidence.  They waited for that lightening bolt that never happened.  Because you have to make it happen.

They say that a journey starts with a single step.  I say that it starts with the second step.  The first step is the want.  The second step is the drive to move forward.

Where will your journey take you?  Take that first and second step.  It is worth it.  It is beyond worth it.

I Feel Good

You know sometimes when you spend ages getting ready for a night out, an event or even just a blog post, and the reflection in mirror isn't what you hoped? This challenge is for those times when you look in the mirror, no pre planning involved, and think "I look good today". 

We all have our good days and our bad, but this challenge is to record those good days and to remember that confidence, at any size, is beautiful.

A day late, yet again, things will improve, I promise!

I really do feel good today.  My blog was on TV last night (sorry for spamming everywhere with the video but I was so excited!

I have just taken some blog photographs with a new dress (coming soon) and afterwards I was messing around with my camera.  I took this selfie of myself and liked it so here it is for you today.  I love red lipstick :)

I am actually fully dressed in this picture, the girls decided to come out and play is all
#nofilter 

Skimlinks Test

Instagram Roundup

I don't have much time to blog at the moment, but I realised this morning that I had not had an instagram round up lately so thought that I would share a few pictures from the past couple of months, as well as my favourite memes of the moment!

Love the little picture of my dog Ellie.  Such a little cutie.  Hope you are all well!  

The Power of the Selfie

You may be aware that one of my favourite sites FashionWorked allows me to take over once a month and write about whatever takes my fancy in a column called "The Plus Perspective".  (Not sure if he knew what he was letting himself in for!!).

 

Anyhow this month I am talking about taking selfies and confidence.  Here is an extract:

 

Strangely what I have realised whilst writing this post is that from my neck down I would never dream of apologising to someone about the way that I look. Indeed, my brain is saying to me “What? Why would you apologise you idiot”.

 

You can read more here

Another Month on Instagram

It is FULL of selfies.  For this I make no apologies as if you can't make yourself believe that you look good, you will never believe anyone else.

Capturing the Curve - The Selfie Post

Yesterday I attended the photo shoot "Capturing the Curve" organised by the fabulous Betty Pamper.

The inspiration behind the hair and makeup for everyone was vintage Hollywood glamour and to complement this I brought with me a beautiful 50s prom dress from +Simply Be 

I will tell you more about the shoot when I get the photographs through, but for now, just wanted to share a few of the selfies that I took of myself on the day.   As I felt so much that I had stepped out of a film noir movie on the silver screen, I have done a few in black and white too.

I can't wait to get the photographs through from Nicky Rockets who was a fabulous photographer on the day and completely made me feel at ease in front of the camera.

I love this photograph.  If I didn't have any other photograph from the shoot, then one would make it all worth while.  I feel beautiful in it.