I feel like I have just woken up. Not from sleep, but a state of mind.
Have you ever been in a rut without realising it or a downward spiral that you did not know you were on? This has been me for the past few months. Except that I did not know, until I was sat in the dentist's chair last Thursday.
Now the dentist's chair is of course not the normal place for self reflection and realization. But there I was, petrified and shaking as usual when I happened to look down at my legs. They were hairy. I'm not talking about forgot to shave for a couple of days hairy, I'm talking not shaved for weeks and weeks hairy.
(By the by, nothing wrong whatsoever whether you choose to shave or not; it's just my own personal preference for myself).
I had no idea whatsoever why I had hairy legs. I was so confused. It was quite a good distraction from what was going on in my mouth to be honest, as I racked my brains for an answer as to how I could have forgotten to shave for so many weeks. I wear a dress every single day. How did I not notice for all this time?
When I got home, I looked in the mirror. Again, I felt like I was looking at myself properly for the first time in months. My makeup looked like a five year old had put it on and my hair? It looked like it had not had anything but my fingers running through it since I washed it. Being honest, I could not even remember last time I brushed it.
I felt and looked like an old house that was previously well kept but was now in a state of disrepair. The only way I can describe it is that I felt that my mind and who I am had a vacation away from myself, but not bothered to tell me. Like I had just been on autopilot for a while. Does this make sense to anyone else or just me?
Looking back over the past few months, I see nothing that would have triggered this apathy. Because that is what this was. It was not laziness or a change in my routine. The thoughts of shaving my legs, brushing my hair; applying my make up; did not ever factor or occur to me.
I have still been going to work, having a normal home life; writing blog posts but I really do think that the essence of what is me disappeared for a while. Hell, I did not even blog about the debacle of the UK referendum or the catastrophic screw up that is Donald Trump.
I feel like I have been on safe mode, like you do with your computer. My screen flashed back on in the dentist chair. Maybe I needed a jolt. Something to get part of me going again that I did not realise was not working anymore. I don't know.
What I do know that I feel more alive than I have for the past few months, more alert. More ready to make plans, do things; live my life and plan for it. My legs are returned to their shaved selves. My hair has been brushed.
I do not know where I went, but I am glad that I am back.
When I got home, I looked in the mirror. Again, I felt like I was looking at myself properly for the first time in months. My makeup looked like a five year old had put it on and my hair? It looked like it had not had anything but my fingers running through it since I washed it. Being honest, I could not even remember last time I brushed it.
I felt and looked like an old house that was previously well kept but was now in a state of disrepair. The only way I can describe it is that I felt that my mind and who I am had a vacation away from myself, but not bothered to tell me. Like I had just been on autopilot for a while. Does this make sense to anyone else or just me?
Looking back over the past few months, I see nothing that would have triggered this apathy. Because that is what this was. It was not laziness or a change in my routine. The thoughts of shaving my legs, brushing my hair; applying my make up; did not ever factor or occur to me.
I have still been going to work, having a normal home life; writing blog posts but I really do think that the essence of what is me disappeared for a while. Hell, I did not even blog about the debacle of the UK referendum or the catastrophic screw up that is Donald Trump.
I feel like I have been on safe mode, like you do with your computer. My screen flashed back on in the dentist chair. Maybe I needed a jolt. Something to get part of me going again that I did not realise was not working anymore. I don't know.
What I do know that I feel more alive than I have for the past few months, more alert. More ready to make plans, do things; live my life and plan for it. My legs are returned to their shaved selves. My hair has been brushed.
I do not know where I went, but I am glad that I am back.