I Can See Clearly Now

I feel that I have been running a very long race.  The race of my life.  Now, I can almost see the finish line ahead and I am both excited, and scared.  It is really the finish line?  Or a mirage?  Are there more unseen obstacles ahead?

My road has been a long one.  Going from my teenager years and thenwhen I was 20, I had the worst period of depression of my life.  A time where I could find no hope, only pain.  A pain that I could not escape from and in truth, for a time there, I wanted to die.  It was the only way I could see out of unimaginable pain.  How this went on for, I no longer truly know.  Months, definately, a year?  Probably.

The only way I have been able to describe the level of emotional pain I felt each day, is equating it to the moment I was told my dad had died.  That immediate, surge of pain, before grief, before taking it in.  I do not exaggerate when I say this, nor would I compare the two lightly.

It was during this time however that I somehow found my inner strength.  A voice inside of me that shouted no.  You are stronger than this.  A voice so strong, so clear that it stopped me in my tracks.  Take that as you will.

I will admit that my whole twenties were a mess.  I had learned to withhold what I felt.  Not show my pain.  Not show the outside world the carnage that was on the inside.  I had no voice.  No opinions.  I was surviving, not thriving as my twenties should have been.  I had learned that no one really wants to see the bad inside, the hurt.  They wanted a smile.  So that is what I gave them.

There was one in particular whom I could have shared my thoughts with.  She would have been there for me, and indeed very much was, for the parts that she did see.  But I was too scared.  I didn’t want to lose her, even though deep down, I knew that I wouldn’t.   I wish that I had.  I could and do still trust her completely.  She is a forever friend.  She knew me before I hit rock bottom.  The real me. 

It has taken me so long to find that person again.

I started writing properly when I hit my thirties and I started to slowly evacuate the ghosts in my head.  

This whole blog was created in order to work on my self confident, my self image and my self worth.  I came so far, achieving things that I never thought that I would be able to accomplish.  From the small steps of changing what I wore from all black to colour, to going to events by myself in London and sharing a picture of myself in a swimsuit.  I talked about confidence until I started to find it for myself, and even received an email once from a woman telling me that my journey had inspired the start of her own.

I have my faults, but what I do have is determination and stubbornness (I appreciate that the latter can be a fault too!).  I am slow to change, but when I do, I make a very large jump.  I have always been this way.  I have always strived to be better.  To heal.  But my roadmap was more like a very complicated squiggle than a straight line.

I found Twitter which helped me find my voice and I found others who were lost and on their way to becoming found.  I felt myself coming alive.

By my mid thirties, I realised that my efforts to hide what I felt from the world had gone too far.  I had become so good at masking that I had convinced myself that my fake smile was real.   

I remember the day so clearly.  I was walking the dog, the sun was out and it was gloriously warm.  I remember suddenly realising that I felt happy; I was enjoying the day and was looking forward to an evening out with friends.  But I could actually feel those feelings.  It was both wonderful, and terrible.  Because it that moment I realised just how long I had not truly felt.  Over a decade.  I always felt the sad emotions, but the good ones had been lost to the mask I wore every day.

It wasn’t until I met my partner a couple of years later that that changed.  I had someone who could see all of me.  Every emotion.  Every feeling.  And they loved all of me.  Every single bit.  I have never felt loved like this in my life.  So seen.  So wanted.

I gained self confidence a while ago now, but the lesson of self worth has been much, much harder.   

It doesn’t matter how much someone tells you that you are worth it.  That you are worthy of love.  That you matter.  You have to believe it yourself.

A couple of weeks ago, things finally started to fall into place and I found my self worth that had been lost to me for so long.  I unburied the last of the things hidden and locked away in my mind.  I confronted face on the reasons why I lost it.

So here I am today.  I am starting counselling in a few weeks.  This I truly believe will help me with the tools I need to move forward.  Move on.  Not forgetting, but not letting my past rule my future.

I have changed my mind whilst writing this post.  I am excited.  I am no longer afraid.  I look forward to the bright future in front of me.  I intend to celebrate every single minute.  

Embracing You

I saw a quote by Hugh Laurie this week that really struck a chord with me.

That is what I think about confidence.  If I had a pound for every time during my life that I have thought "When I am older, I'll be confident then" or "Maybe I would be confident if I were to change x, y and z about myself" then I would probably be a billionaire today.

NO.  Strive for confidence now.  DO NOT WAIT.

You can your whole life thinking "If only I was thinner, taller; prettier, then I will be happy", or, alternatively, you can live your life and be happy.  But how?

How do you suddenly become confident?  Well the answer is, at least it was for me, is that confidence is not an instant thing.  It takes work.  It is a journey.  You are constantly learning.  You will have off days.  But they are just bumps in a very long road that has your happiness at the end of it.

The trick for me, was to start small.  What do you think will improve your confidence?  Do you love fashion?  Start with that.  Do you love makeup? Play around.  For me, in a wardrobe full of black, it started with colourful shoes.

Next, the wardrobe.  I knew I loved colour and pattern, but going there was a long journey.  But one day....

This next photo took so much confidence, you can see the trepidation on my face.  The fear.  But I did it.  Which led me to, a couple of months ago wandering round a spa in this swimsuit without a care in the world.

 One thing that really helped me with my confidence was to do a photo shoot.  This was arranged by the utterly fabulous Pamper & Curves.  Betty Pamper was running a vintage style photoshoot and I jumped at the chance.  You can see the pictures from the shoot in the link above, but this is a selfie I took between shots.  I felt beautiful.  It was a cornerstone of finding my confidence.

But it isn't just about makeup and clothes.  Who are you?  Who is that person that you have been hiding beneath your under confident self?  Who is the person that your friends have seen glimpses of and know is there, even if you don't.

Use your voice.  Think about what drives you, what you are passionate about and start speaking out.  Be present.  You are allowed to have an opinion if you want it.  

It took a long time for me to realise that the size of my body and the way I looked did not mean that I was not entitled to speak my mind.  I realised that being fat was only a very small part of who I was.  I began to embrace the outside, love it, but also, let the real me out.  The one talking to you now.

I have seen and spoken to people who are much older in years than I who never found their confidence.  They waited for that lightening bolt that never happened.  Because you have to make it happen.

They say that a journey starts with a single step.  I say that it starts with the second step.  The first step is the want.  The second step is the drive to move forward.

Where will your journey take you?  Take that first and second step.  It is worth it.  It is beyond worth it.

Dear Fat People - My Thoughts

WORDY POST

TRIGGER WARNING -  Fat shaming quotes shared from Twitter  - taken during #fatshamingweek

A couple of days ago a video appeared in my Facebook timeline.  Yes "that video" by comedian (and I use that term loosely) Nicole Arbour.

It has taken me a few days to process my thoughts about this video.  In one way, you have to hand it to her.  She pitched the video to be controversial and prime click bait.  The fat haters watch to nod, agree and cheer, the fat people watch the video to see what hated looks like this week and then the media gets involved and it snowballs.  She then takes down her channel, claiming Youtube did it, then reactivates just when she knows that people will be searching for it.  She has a business head on her, pity that she does not have a heart.

The video itself is, to be honest, a bit sad, pathetic and more than a little jaded.  She rolls out the old tired insults that fat people are "lazy, disgusting, inconsiderate and they smell" (of sausages apparently).  Maybe ten years ago those words may have been fat shaming comedy gold but now, sweetheart, I have heard more creative insults from a random man on the street.

She ends by saying that she isn't saying these hateful things to be an asshole (too late on that one), she in fact loves us "no matter what" but that she hopes that her "bomb of truth" so that people can enjoy us for longer on this planet.  She says, whilst completely dehumanizing fat people and talking about us as if we are no more than things, there to ridicule and insult for your entertainment.

Aside from the fact (pretty obvious but here is a research link) that fat shaming does not work and in fact can backfire badly (now there is a truth bomb for you Nicole); I have to wonder why anyone would think it would?

Here are a few comments from #fatshamingweek on Twitter (wait, I thought that it did not exist?)

Quotes taken from Blisstree

I was myself targeted by trolls especially that week, telling me the fact that I was fat made me worthless.

We are told that if you are fat, it does matter if you have an education, that we have low standards, that "fat means yes" (more than a little rapey) and that we should kill ourselves if dieting fails.

That is the thing though, fat shaming does not work, it dehumanizes people, it strikes a knife into their heart, causes depression far more than fat on your body ever could and can sometimes kill.

This video does not hold any power over me.  I have, as I have said, heard much, much worse and the blatant "subscribe, subscribe" comes across as needy and pathetic.  When I first saw it yes I was incensed with anger and hurt, but not from her words.  It was the fact that people who knew me thought it appropriate to share. 

Let us be clear, that video is not "satire" as many people like to label cruel things to justify themselves, it is not funny and is abhorrent.  What does hurt, is that people think it appropriate to share as if it was nothing.  Would you say these things to my face?  Would you label me a "thing" and disgusting and lazy?  Would you to my face dehumanize me to the point where I am simply a creature to be taunted?  Would you stand there, point and laugh at me.  No.  

The age of the internet allows us to share our thoughts and opinions in a way that we never could before, as I frequently do on here.  It also gave rise to the age of the troll and a place where one stupid video can give rise to yet another torrent of hatred; and that is dangerous.

So before you share a video or an article, think about what you are actually sharing and what sharing it actually makes you as a person.  I will give you a hint, it isn't a good one.

I will leave you with my current favourite, meme.  To all those who create these videos, think these thoughts and put them out in the world, ready to hurt: