The Vodka Scooter

You may have seen this before, but it made me laugh so much am going to share with you anyway.  I didn't write it, but I wish I had.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?'  As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. 

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a “Vodka Scooter."

The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this >pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, "How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, stubbed toes, scratched hands and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out, "What the hell happened?"

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom with the wrong person, often with horrific consequences.

Vodka Scooters come equipped with Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake either everyone else in the house or your downstairs neighbours. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit for the ladies or for the men, no jacket.

Vodka scooters........the wonders of modern technology...have you ever had a ride on one??!!

Bad Bieber

I keep hearing news reports, well I says news, more like gossip sites headlines that Justin Bieber has recently tweeted, saying he has “bought” a tiger.

According to the reports I have read, he was visiting a zoo in Sao Paulo, Brazil when he tweeted a picture of a white Bengal tiger, saying “Look what I bought”. Hmmmm.  He is, apparently, and I say apparently because I have no interest in him whatsoever, quite fond of pranks so the news may or may not be true.

He was however the cause of my blog today.  Mainly because, me being me, I saw the headlines and said to myself, apart from the fact that surely his advisors, parents etc would have advised him against it, how could he possibly have a “pet” tiger in the US?  Turns out, unbelievably, you can.

In a world where three of the nine subspecies of tiger are now extinct, with the remaining six on the danger list thanks to hunt, deforestation, poaching and trophy hunting, how can you possibly justify keeping a tiger for a pet?

The Association of Zoos and Aquariums have estimated that there are up to 12,000 tigers being held in the US.  Considering that the wild population is considered somewhere between 3,500 and 5,000, this figure is astounding.

There are only (please correct me if I am wrong here) 19 states in the US that ban the private ownership of a tiger.  How in this day and age is that possible?
 
Just think about it, where you would prefer a tiger to be?  Here:


That’s where they should be.  Where they were born to be.  I can’t imagine the privilege of seeing a wild tiger, in it’s own habitat, living and doing exactly what it was meant to. 

Or, would you prefer to see it hanging on your wall or as a rug on the floor?  Being shot for pleasure?  Being killed and cut up to be used for Chinese medicines which have been proved not to work?

I know what I would prefer.

If you are interested in conservation and the preservation of the wild animals of this planet,  link on this link: Four Paws

And So It Begins

X-Factor is back on our screens.  It is a guilty pleasure of mine.  I'm not one to watch soaps or even many TV programmes.  Am more of a movie person.  But X-Factor I quite like.

I like watching the different acts, figuring out who I like and who and I don't.  Watching them progress, or crumble, during the weeks.  What I don't do, and for the life of me I can't understand why others do, is invest my emotions into it.

At the end of the day it is just a reality show, with people you don't know, and won't care about three months after the show is over.

What I hate is not the X-Factor itself, but how people get so invested into it.  It's a competition, some will lose, one will win.  It's that simple.  There will always be the people in there put in for entertainment only, this year it's Johnny Robinson and would also have been Goldie, if she hadn't figured out that she was a fun factor only.

Every single year people get irate about the fun factor people staying in and others who can sing getting voted out.  But in the end, the best people are usually in the final, so who bloody cares?  People get so mad about people getting voted off, with cries of "I'm never watching again, it's a farce!"  But of course, they do still watch.

Get a life, realise it is only a reality programme, and enjoy it for what it is.  Rant (mini) over.