Baby, Baby, Baby Noooo!

Question.  What is it about people when they have a baby.  The most normal person in the world suddenly turns into this baby obsessed, all they can talk about person.  Like they have just given birth to Christ or something.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends who didn’t turn into crazy people when they had a baby.  To be fair, they were crazy anyway, being my friends, but in a good way.

 

When a friend tells me they are pregnant, after the mandatory congratulations etc (am not a baby person myself, never want one but am not evil, I can be nice and say congrats) what I don’t tell them is that they are put on probation for social networking.

 

For the purpose of the blog, I will use Facebook as the social network of choice.

 

Things that are Allowed

• Telling people you are pregnant – it’s interesting, people will want to know and congratulate you.
• Scan photo – not something I am interested in at all, but ok, some may like it.
• Occasional pregnancy updates.  Please note this does not include tales of throwing up, heartburn or      anything gross.
• The first baby picture. 
• Afterwards, occasional, and by that I mean one every month, pictures of baby.

Things That Fuck Me Right Off

• Creating a Facebook page for the baby, including when it is still inside you.  It is wrong, it is stupid and if it sends me a friend request…. DENIED!!!
• Constant updates regarding how you are doing, particularly relating to morning sickness, sex life (yes I have seen pregnancy sex life updates) etc.  I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
• Once the baby is born, photos every other day.  Yes your baby is cute (hopefully).  No I don’t want to see it every day.  It’s a baby, WE HAVE ALL SEEN ONE BEFORE!
• Daily update reports.  Baby has smiled, giggled, had a baby massage etc.....

By the way, what the fuck is baby massage??  People have been having babies for thousands of years.  I have yet to meet a baby that said “Hey, you know what I would like?  A nice massage!”. 

 

I am probably coming across as the anti-christ of babies, which I am not.  I’m happy if you have had a baby,  I respect your choice to have one and appreciate how much you will love it.

 

The thing is, I don’t love it, I don’t want to see it every day and I couldn’t give a rats ass what it does until:

 

a)  It starts speaking and;
b) Actually, that's about it.

25 Things Random Things

This was something done on Facebook a while ago, but I figure, if you are going to do a blog, you should give people something about yourself too.

You are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I have a love of shoes (which is a problem in itself, see 2) and Formula One.
2. I have a major case of climacophobia (fear of stairs, climbing, or of falling downstairs). Be it one step or twenty, dizziness ensues and panic sets in.
3. Everyone says I pout all the time but I don’t, it’s the shape of my lips people!!!
4. I have a few really close friends as opposed to loads and loads, which I prefer.
5. I love horror movies, the scarier the better, but horror books make me too scared – yes I am weird!
6. I love fast cars, driving myself or being driven. There is nothing quite like the thrill of going over 100mph.   Probably why I love F1!
7. I would sell my soul (or part of it at least) for a Porsche 911.
8. I always try to make sure that the people around me are happy.
9. I am like Bambi on ice when it snows – I am guaranteed to fall over.
10. I am still looking for someone who is my brand of crazy, and wonder if I ever will.
11. I subscribe to the saying “Sarcasm is the highest form of wit”.
12. I have one sister, one half sister and a half brother.
13. I don’t want children, but I do want to get married.
14. I am having problems completing this list!
15. I love punk, rock, some heavy metal and some pop music but I hate country.
16. I am incapable of buying anything in a sale, if no one else wanted it, why should you?
17. I have never had a filling, a broken bone or stitches.
18. I don’t believe in God but I do believe that your soul carries on somehow/somewhere after death.
19. I have lived in more than one country and would one day love to move away again, preferably somewhere sunny.
20. It took me two attempts to pass my driving test.
21. I love secrets. Having them and having people confide them in me.
22. At different parts of my life I have been a blonde, a brunette and red head.
23. I am an extremely ditzy person, but I like that about myself.
24. I will automatically give you my trust and loyalty, but woe betide you if you break either.
25. I wonder quite a lot whether people are talking to my eyes or my chest!

The Vodka Scooter

You may have seen this before, but it made me laugh so much am going to share with you anyway.  I didn't write it, but I wish I had.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?'  As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. 

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a “Vodka Scooter."

The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this >pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, "How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, stubbed toes, scratched hands and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out, "What the hell happened?"

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom with the wrong person, often with horrific consequences.

Vodka Scooters come equipped with Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake either everyone else in the house or your downstairs neighbours. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit for the ladies or for the men, no jacket.

Vodka scooters........the wonders of modern technology...have you ever had a ride on one??!!