Texas Chilli Cook Off

This is a joke email I received.  It says it is a true story, but whether it is, or it isn't, it made me giggle, a lot. 

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

 Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:_

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver . They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...*

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, wa s standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb .woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...*

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...*

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetari an variety chili. Go odd balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... *

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...... 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

Judge # 3 - No Report

I Did it My Way!!!!!!

By my reckoning, this Monday will be 10 weeks of not smoking.

I have been asked by some why I chose this particular point to stop smoking.  Previously when people have asked if I wanted to quit I have always said no, that I enjoyed it and that I couldn’t see a point in the near future when I would want to stop.

I’m a bit of a odd combination in that in one way I am very easily  led, usually into mischief, but when it comes to making decisions and being forced into something, I am very clear.  I have my own way that works for me and I stick to it.  Tell me that I should be doing something and I will generally do the opposite. 

My best friend ran smoking cessation classes for years.  But she knows me well, obviously being my best friend, and so never mentioned stopping smoking to me.  She knew that I would come to the decision in my own time and, as I have a strong will, I would do it my own way, not the prescribed way.

So the day I decided to “have a go” at quitting, I had made no preparations.  It was more of a wondering of can I do it as opposed to a serious attempt to quit.  Probably the reason I decided to go cold turkey.  I didn’t want to spend money on patches etc when I would probably be back smoking in 2 days.  That’s faith in myself isn’t it!!

All through the quitting process I haven’t followed the prescribed rules.  I haven’t used any aides (apart from reading a quit smoking book) and I purposely have not avoided places where smoking occurs.  I decided from the start that I would not change my life one iota and I haven’t.  I probably haven’t made my life easier by doing this, but that’s me.

Typically, this weekend for instance.  I went out on Friday night and there were three smokers in the group.  I could smell the smoke and yes, it still smells good.  But I become curious.  What would happen if I had a puff?

Most people would then think no, don’t do it, who knows what will happen, you might still love it.  Me though, I follow my whimsy so I had the puff.  I was immediately taken back to my first puff at around 13.  Except I didn’t feel cool doing it, it tasted bad and I got an unpleasant head rush.

So yes, 10 weeks in, on my terms, and I’m doing it my way.  The idiot guide to stopping smoking

Lloyds Are the Winners

I have banked with four different places over the years and have left for various reasons with each of them.  For one reason or another, each bank had a fault which didn't work with the way I wanted to do things, so I always found myself looking for pastures new.  My latest change, 2 years ago now, was to the Lloyds TSB.

I have been one of thousands that have been affected by the almighty screw up with the RBS and the NatWest.  My firm bank with the RBS (I feel for not much longer) so hence my wages are directed from an RBS account.

I was due to be paid on the 22nd of this month and to my horror, not having since the news before I left the house, I arrived at the cash point to find a balance of £1.84.  My wage didn't turn up in my account until Tuesday 26th June, by which time I had missed two direct debits and three standing orders. 

I rang Lloyds to see how many charges I had incurred and what could be done.  To be honest, as with experience from banking institutions I was expecting heavy and multiple charges, applied with the line of "You'll have to take it up with the RBS".

I was however pleasantly surprised, on my first call to them (ever) I was greeted by a warm and friendly representative who practically bent over backwards to help me out and laid out my options for me.

After sorting my banking charges, without asking out he then proceeded to let me know how my account could be run better and therefore easier for me to manage and proceeded to arrange it all for me.

I came away from the phone call a lot happier than when I started it, with a better, more flexible account and any worries I had with regard to bank charges sorted out.  After dealing with either rude or unhelpful people for years with other banks, it is nice change to actually have a bank that helps!