This is a joke email I received. It says it is a true story, but whether it is, or it isn't, it made me giggle, a lot.
If you can read this whole story without laughing then
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:_
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 --
A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 --
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm
not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver . They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...*
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, wa s standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb .woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...*
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...*
Judge # 1
-- Thin yet bold vegetari an variety chili. Go odd balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... *
Judge
# 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I
am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge
# 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge
# 3 - No Report
