Hello

This is the blog that I have been promising myself I would do, but up to today, have been too scared to set up.

That's me, my face in the corner of my blog.  That is usually all I will show, be it on Twitter, Facebook, my other blog, that's all you usually get.  Because I'm plus size.  To be exact, I'm a size 22 gal.  

I've been overweight my entire life.  Well, as far as I can remember anyway.  Definately all through primary school.  I eat like a regular person and I look like this.  Go figure.  

I've gone through my entire life being scared of what people thought of what I looked like and have hidden away.  Due to my lack of confidence (I hope that's why), I've been single for 15 years.  

There.  That's honesty for you.  I promised myself I would be.

But I've have a revolution in my head, I'm not sure what started it.  I like to think that it was some bad ass inside me shouting "Enough of this shit!".  

Black is not a rule.  I'm a happy girl, I love colour, I will wear it!  I've been reading some of the plus size blogs, namely Mrs Bebe , Betty Bee to name a couple and I have started to realise that yes, I'm plus size but that doesn't make me a outcast of society.

I can love and wear fashion, I can look nice in it, I AM NOT GROTESQUE.  Confidence isn't just for skinny people.  I see plus size gals with boyfriends, husbands etc.  If they can have it, surely I can too.  I refuse to be the girl that is liked in private but denied in public.  I deserve better.

So here I am.  My first step.  below picture is probably quite accurate, but I'm aiming to change the "fuck off" to a "hello".  

First Essay - Done!

I've now completed my first six weeks in my Open University degree and have submitted my first essay.

I think that one of the biggest struggles I have had is getting to terms with studying again, not because I haven't enjoyed it, but finding the most productive time to do it.  Typically I am a night person and so I thought that this would be the ideal time to do my work.  Turns out, not.

 

After a long day at work, the thought of opening my books and doing some study for a couple of hours was a complete turn off.  Although I wanted to get the work done, the motivation wasn't there.  I therefore tried different times to work and utilised the alternative formats available for the study materials, downloading audio to my phone and printing pages out from PDF.

 

For me, working in smaller segments seems to be the key.  I get 30 minutes reading/listening to audio done on the bus each day, I use another 30 minutes during my lunch hour at work and during all these segments of time I feel motivated and get a lot done.

 

When at home, again I tend to work in short bursts now, but over the course of the week I am still able to fit all my studying in, work at my full time time, and still have a social life.  I am massively glad that I chose to work at the 25% rate, 50% (or 25 hours per week) would have been far too much.  I need a balance in my life and all work and no play makes Vicky a sad girl!

 

Last night, after many tweaks, re-writes and worries, I submitted first essay to be marked.  For this first one to be honest I am just grateful to have completed it and as long as I pass, I don't care what the mark is.

 

Well, when I say that, of course I care, but what I mean is that I don't have any expectations.   I do admit though, there is a fair amount of crossing my fingers going on!

F.I.N.E

I’m having one of those days.  I call them my Italian Job days.  Not because I am going around stealing safes, but for the scene where Donald Sutherland explains to Mark Wahlberg what fine means

 

Freaked Out

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

 

These days normally occur when I have too much going on, thoughts swirl madly round in my head and I start to panic.  I’ve learnt to see the warning signs now so I know what to do.  I have a plan that I go through that usually works.

I always start with that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know that something is wrong, but you don’t know what.  The breathing gets heavier and a panicked feeling starts.  You reach the point where you feel like you are going to cry.

Before, I would let that emotion take over and meltdown, now I can stop myself. 

1. Breathe.  Just breathe.  In and out, slowly and calmly.  Nothing can happen if you just breathe.
2. What’s wrong?
3. Yes, you do know what’s wrong, say it.
4. Breathe.
5. Everything is fixable, make a plan, step by step, find the fix.

 My “fine” moment may sound stupid to some.  But what I say is that if something is important to you, it is never stupid. My moment today was worrying about my assignment, worrying that I wasn’t clever enough to be doing a degree, worrying I was doing everything wrong, worrying myself into sheer panic. 

 I feel better now.  I’m calm.  I’m back on plan.  I can do this, of course I can; I just need to remember that I can.

Sometimes, you just forget to breathe.