Snow is Falling

Cold weather isn't all bad.  Cozying up in front of the fire, warm soft clothes, comfortable layers.  Cold weather isn't all bad, if I could stay inside the house that is.  Outside brings snow, ice, freezing cold standing at the bus stop, falling frequently on my ass and feeling generally petrified.

I know why I'm scared of snow.    I'm aware in the telling of the story that it is amusing, but it wasn't funny at the time and is the only explanation I have for the fear I feel now.   You are allowed to laugh at it though ;) 

When I was around 6 I walking with my mum along a street covered with snow, snow like it used to, very very deep.  We had both been visiting my grandma and we were on my street making our way back to our house when I disappeared.

Did I disapparate like in the Harry Potter books?  No, I fell down a manhole.  Yes, ok, haha.  This was in the 1980's, before the "Health & Safety" culture got going.  Some workmen had obviously been doing something with the manhole and had it left it uncovered for whatever reason.  With the heavy snow you couldn't see any difference and no signs had been erected.   So little Vicky disappeared, luckily managing to grab hold of the pavement so I could drag myself back up.

Telling the story always gets a laugh, but the truth of it is that since then I have always been frightened of snow, with ice being added to the fear over the years on the grounds that I am the human Bambi on ice, clumsy and unable to keep my balance.

One of my (many I admit) pet peeves are people that wish for the snow.  Why???? You get maybe one day, at best, where throwing snowballs for an hour is fun, the rest of the time you are miserable, wet, cold, slipping and in my case, falling over, a lot.

When people talk about what they would do if they won the lottery, the same thing is always at the top of my list, move to a country where it DOESN'T BLOODY SNOW!

Tell me, please, how is this fun???

Music for Your Mood

I can never understand when someone says they only like one kind of music.  With the exceptions of heavy metal and country & western, I have fairly broad tastes in music.

I like having a collection of music which will suit my mood, or on some days, improve it!  I have “go to” songs for every mood, songs that guarantee a smile, songs to make you want to dance, songs that make you relax, everything is covered.

Here are my go to favourites:

Tired: anything loud with a good beat to wake me up and kick start my brain.  If I don’t fancy trawling through my playlist, my go to’s are usually Nothing Special by Ill Scarlett, Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit or anything from Green Day’s American Idiot album.

Good mood: good mood music for me, when I’m in a really good mood has to be music from the 90's.  Anything from For an Angel by Paul Van Dyk to Dreamer by Livin Joy is guarantee to keep a big smile on my face.

Irritable/sad/ticked off: Here is where my secret stash of cheesy music comes out.  You know it's terrible, you wouldn't admit to liking it in public, but everyone has a secret stash.  This morning Reach for the Stars, S Club 7 raised my spirits.  It's impossible not to smile. 

Relaxed: When I'm chilled out and relaxing, my go to music is usually from the 50's.  At Last, Etta James is one of my favourite all times songs and anything by Frank Sinatra.

Cover anything song: There a couple of songs that I play no matter what my mood, well more than a couple, but my favourites are Inside by Stiltskin and Super Massive Black Hole, Muse.

What are your to go songs?

Repost

Foreword: I originally posted this blog a few days ago and then decided to delete, as it’s very personal and I wasn’t ready.

Then however I saw the cutting for Bieber hashtag last night on Twitter and was appalled.  Young girls cutting themselves for a celebrity to notice them, people making jokes about it, some even saying “Remember, down the stream not across the path”.  So now I’ve put the post back up.

Cutting isn’t the new cool thing.  Depression isn’t funny.  Just because you aren’t walking around with a broken bone doesn’t mean you’re not broken.

…………………………………………….

Have you ever noticed that when you are having a dark day, people will try and make you feel better using the atypical “But think about this and this that is good in your life”….  Am I the only one that this irritates? 

I know that people mean well when they say these things, but isn’t it obvious that whatever it is that is making you sad (if you even know in the first place), has nothing to do with the good parts of your life, that’s there no connection?

Whilst I’m lucky enough not to be in it’s grips now, I’ve flirted with depression for many years.  There was a time in my early 20’s when I came very close.  Too close.  I was so completely unhappy.  I didn’t have the outlets to talk about it and not knowing why I was so unhappy, I didn’t see the point.  In anything.

Maybe if I’d had my blog then things may have been different.  This is my safe zone.  I can say whatever I want, even if I don’t know what I’m really saying until I read back an earlier post. 

Back then though, I didn’t have anything.  Already an inward person I turned in even more so.  I turned to cutting.  I don’t think it was even a conscious decision yet one day, the knife was in my hand.  It doesn’t help. It hurts, physically and emotionally.  You’ll never be quite the same person again.

It’s been years since I was that girl.  It took me years to realise that people will listen when you talk.  If you don’t talk about what hurts, it will always hurt you, or you will hurt yourself.  

I was lucky in that I don’t have any scars.  I still have my dark days, I admit to them freely but the helplessness has left me, along with the urge to cut.  I was lucky I didn’t have depression, which is and can be debilitating.  I was just very unhappy.

Ask for help.  People will always give it.  You are not as alone as you think you are.  Talk to someone, anyone, just talk.