Oh Yes, I Can!

I’m not very fond of the use of the word “can't” when it is being directed to someone else.  If I were to use it myself for example saying that “I can't ride a bike” (true!) what it generally implies that the person has tried something but is unable to do it for one reason or another. 

When you apply the word to someone else however, it is with the purpose, however well hidden, of restricting and controlling what they do.  You can’t do that, you’re female,  you can’t go there, this may happen, you can’t wear that, you’re fat.

That last one is something that I have been thinking about lately.  All the clothing do’s and don’ts that are inferred that somebody who is plus size should comply with; you can’t wear stripes, you can’t wear print, you can’t wear bright colours etc etc.   The never ending jibe of “black is very slimming you know”.  Well you know what, I love colour, I love print, I love everything about fashion and if I want to, I will damn well wear it!

Here are some of my favourite dresses that are around at the moment, all of which break “the rules” of what a fat girl should wear.  I never was one for rules anyway.  Which puts all these dresses on the top of my wishlist.

Cartoon Print Skater Dress

Busy pattern, bright colours, look at me dress, why not?

Lovedrobe Polka Dot Print Pleated Dress

Another busy print, up to the neck (an apparent no no for the larger chest) and pleating!

Blue Floral Skater Dress from Asos Curve

Floral, feminine and visible.  Yes please!

SimplyBe Enchanted Print Dress

This dress took my breath away.  I adore this dress.  

Convention would say I can't wear it, I say.... I've just ordered it

So there you have it.  Four dresses that society says I "can't" wear.  One of which I have ordered already (post to follow) and the rest will stay on my wishlist.

What do you wear that convention says you shouldn't?

Waiting for the Cast to Set

I think that it was Joan Didion that said “I write to find out what I think”.  That is something that applies to me.  I have learnt so much of what I really think by just typing away, letting my fingers do the talking and seeing what comes out.

I’ve just realised that sentence could be completely misconstrued as something dirty.  But you know what I meant.  Carrying on!

What I learned today is that whilst you find out what you think when you write, when you read you are sometimes forced to face up to things that you already know.  I read the fabulous @archedeyebrow post today On the Flipside and I have to admit that it broke me a little bit.

One thing that resonated with me completely was the line “If you’ve grown up fat, you’ve grown up knowing no one will ever want you”.

Whilst I have made leaps and bounds in my confidence in so many ways, when it comes to the opposite sex and relationships, I’m still the girl that wants to hide away.  The invisible “F off” that I wrote about in The Sign on Your Head is still a part of me. 

Because I’ve been working so hard on confidence in my personality and confidence in what I wear, that part I’ve allowed to just fester in the shadows. 

I think the thing that exasperates me the most is that at heart, I know the way I feel is my own fault.  The reason I have been single over the years, apart from the fact that I live in a small town, is that invisible “Get lost” on my forehead. 

My presumption that no one will be interested, or if they were, wouldn’t want to admit it in public has taken over years of my life and has stopped any potential relationships, except toxic ones.  It has to stop.  I don’t want to feel like that anymore.  But it’s me that has to make the change.  I’m just afraid.

Now the issue has been highlighted once again, I can try to start to change the way I think.  What helps is that by reading other people’s experiences I know that I am not on my own and it isn’t just me that thinks this way.

It is up to ourselves to mould and shape the person that we want to be and for some of us, it just takes a little longer for the cast to set.

Emerging from a Puff of Smoke!

The thing about achievements is that when I actually have an achievement to celebrate, I suddenly come over all British and self deprecating. 

One of unspoken rules of bring British is “don’t flaunt yourself, be modest”.  Well today, Britain, my modesty is being thrown to the winds and I’m flaunting like a showgirl at the Folies Bergere.  Take that British reserve!

Today is one year to the day that I decided to quit smoking.  It has been a long and sometimes onerous process, but the benefits make it worth it. 

I am, believe it or not, a cheerier person in the morning now.  I’ll never be a “morning person” but now at least I am safe for people to be around before 10.30am.  Also, the coughing my guts up in the morning isn’t something I miss.

There are also obviously the financial gains.  I don’t even want to think about how much I spent on cigarettes previously.  Around 18 years of 20 a day.  But I’m not a believer in looking at where you have been; I like to concentrate on the road ahead.

www.Cancer.org tells me that I am now at 50% less at risk of having heart disease after this first year and the benefits will only increase from here.

If you are reading this and want to quit smoking, I would highly recommend Allen Carr’s “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking”.  It is the method that I used and for me, it worked.

I am also happy to inform you that I haven’t turned into one of those evangelical ex smokers.  You know the kind.  The kind that when I was a smoker, I wanted to poke in the eye.  In fact, I still do.  I loved smoking and yes, I still miss it. 

All the diseased lungs photographs and health warnings and cost statistics in the world could not have convinced me to quit until I was ready.  The only way you will ever quit is if you truly want to.  I reached that point, and I have.

So today I have reached my one year anniversary and it’s something I am truly proud of.  The journey isn’t over, but I think I am can safely say that I can pin on an ex smoker badge. 

I couldn’t have done it without the support of my friends and family.  You need a support system around you, and thankfully mine are absolutely fantastic.  To say thank you for the help I am taking my mum and step dad out for a lovely Italian meal and my best friends to a restaurant for lunch and wine.  Now that’s a better use of my money ;)