Still Scared

Why does the journey never end? I really thought that I had cracked the confidence thing.  I have confidence in who and what I am now and I feel so much better for it.  I have torn down so many of the walls that I built around me and yet this week, I have discovered another.  An invisible double strength wall guarded by an armada. 

 

What I have realised is that when it comes to the opposite sex, I am still that scared insecure girl who wants to hide.

 

The problem is that I am too used to men wanting me but keeping me in the shadows.  Fancying me but yet denying me in public.  Being with me but trying to justify it to others. I allowed it to happen for so long that it feels like the norm and now I eye every guy with suspicion, no matter what the circumstances.

 

Right now for example I'm talking to a guy via text. It's a friend thing, a reconnection and nothing more and yet I keep saying to him, but have you read my blog?  Not because I want him to read my writing but to make sure that he knows what I look like.  I realised that I was doing this the other night and it freaked me the hell out.

I should say at this point that he has been nothing but nice to me either. 

 

I'm happy in so many ways now, I can take anything that society throws at me, except it seems when it comes to men.

 

I'm aware how utterly ridiculous this sounds.  If I saw any of the other bloggers I read saying this I would be shouting "But you're so pretty, don't be silly!" from the rooftops at them.  But when I apply that to myself and then connect it to men and suddenly I am running for cover, wanting to hide.

Do you remember me the post I did about the invisible "fuck off" sign on my head?  Well it appears that it is still there.....
 

Is it too late to make a New Year's resolution?  Stop putting myself down, even unconsciously....  The only problem in the equation is me, I know that. 

I am more than this.   My image is all over my blog, I have a million "selfie" pictures on Instagram, I've walked down a bloody catwalk FFS!!
 

I refuse to be so scared that I am making sure a guy friend has seen my picture before feeling comfortable enough to have a conversation.  That is just ridiculous.

 

I think I should retitle this blog post, "Dear Vicky, Stop Being An Idiot".

Claire Richards for Fashion World

I was recently asked if I would like to preview a couple of pieces for the new S/S Collection from Claire Richards at FashionWorld  I did of course jump at the chance to have a look and they are some great pieces to choose from.

Unfortunately the beautiful lace dress didn't fit properly on me, but I have the Frill Sleeve Blouse * to show you in a gorgeous hot pink colour.

I confess that at first point I didn't think that hot pink was quite my colour but after wearing it out for lunch, I do really like it!

I have my eye on some other pieces from the Claire Richard's collection and have big intentions to purchase some more!

* Denotes gifted item

Childhood Reminders

I saw this somewhere, I can’t remember though whether it was a writing prompt or a challenge but I liked the sound of it, so here it is!

 

Whether it be a smell, a sound, an object or something else,

describe what takes you straight back to your childhood

 

Music - Any music by The Carpenters.  My mum always used to play The Carpenters when I was a little girl and their music became the anthem of my childhood.

 

Books – books will always be tied to my childhood as I loved to lose myself in their pages.  I had a penchant for the children’s books that had been written decades earlier and became lost in stories like The Faraway Tree, The Famous Five, Mallory Towers, What Katy Did and all of the Narnia books; which were my favourites.  They all contributed in some way to the person I grew up to be, turning me into a blend of old fashioned and 21^st century values.   

 

Cherry blossom – my neighbour had a huge cherry blossom tree which was the size of the house.  Its branches used to tap on my window and the sight of the cherry blossom arriving each year was a beautiful sight.

 

Peanuts – my dad always used to buy a packet of peanuts every Friday night.   There always used to be a tiny eggcup with some in for me left over.  It’s funny the things you remember….

 

Perfume – I always smile to myself when I am choosing on a new perfume.  The street we used to live on didn’t have any other children on it.  The majority of the houses had elderly people living there. 

 

 

Our next door neighbours were an elderly lady and her daughter and I remember going over there a lot, playing around with water and different sorts of flower petals to see what sort of fragrances I could make.  I used to call it “making potions”.  Sadly now the “potions” I wear now are a little more expensive.

 

What takes you back to your childhood?