Not Good Enough

The title is a little depressing isn't it?  Sorry about that.  But I have a million thoughts in my head right now and my blog is the vehicle is take them out and do something with them.  That is what it was created for, so here I am.

Be warned, this is a very honest post and a probably a trigger warning for anyone reading who is feeling and does feel the same as I; not good enough.

I watched a film tonight that I had recorded the other day.  Not my usual genre at all. The Vow.  This is the one with Channing Tatum (ok maybe why I chose to watch it) and Rachel McAdam.  The one where they have a crash and she loses all her memories, including those of him, her husband.

The main focus of the film is him trying to get her to fall back in love with him.  Whilst watching the film a thought entered my head that, I will be honest, has broken me a little ever since.  I thought that in reverse, a man would never fall in love with me twice.

I have struggled with feeling not good enough all of my life.  At first, for many years, I thought that I felt like this because of my body shape, but that isn't it.  I am confident in my body as it is, and wear clothes that do not make me invisible.

Which makes it worse really, because what I do not feel good enough about is myself.  I feel a lot like the picture below.  Stranded on an island with nothing surrounding me, nothing that can reach me.

An island is probably the most accurate description of how I have always felt.  I have been single for the majority of the time since I was 18.  I don't know why.  That is just how it is.  At 38, I think a lot now that maybe this is the way that I will always be.  I have amazing friends, a lovely but small family; maybe this is how it is going to be.

I have tried online dating.  I got a lot of responses, mainly from people who wanted to make me a fetish, others that copy and pasted their messages en masse to any woman they saw and of course, the most recent encounter with a potentially dangerous man.

I have been in love (really totally in love) once in my life.  With someone who was 95% right for me but someone who I knew deep down would never love me.  But damn, I loved him.  I used to say that he broke my heart but in reality, I broke my own on someone who I knew loved me as a friend, but nothing else.  Drunken kisses and "other things" didn't help matters.  He loved me, but not my body and that was my fault.  I couldn't accept that.

Every time I meet someone I seem to strive to change myself into what I think that they want me to be.  I change who am I, and then lose myself.  I cannot get over the overriding thought that I am not good enough as I am.

Jesus this is honest isn't it?  I don't like being this honest but if I am not, my mind will shove those feelings back into the box in my brain and not think about it again for a while; which is not healthy.  Publishing this means my words, and thoughts are real and not taken back and denied in the "I am fine, honestly!" kind of way.

So where do I go from here?  I don't know.  All I know right now is that I never feel good enough and that I unconsciously run from anyone who I think may like me, for fear of rejection.  I don't want to feel like this anymore because I AM good enough.

My head knows that. I just need my heart to remember that.

Signing off now.  Thanks for listening.

Rainy Days & Mondays

I have always had a love/hate relationship with rain.  99% of the time rain is an irritating and frustrating thing if you are caught out in it.  It comes down when you want sunshine, it gets you soaked on your way to work, it makes you have to change your complete outfit at the last minute; too much of it causes floods…  The list is infinite.

But then, there is the 1% that I love.

Last night the air was warm and my senses were tingling in that way when you know that it is about to absolutely pour down with rain. The kind that you could almost take a shower in.  I watched out of my window, waiting for it to happen.  Everything seemed to be on a pause, the wind was still and everything was waiting for the first drop to fall.  Then suddenly, it starts and it’s raining so heavily it’s like someone is pouring a bucket of water over the world.

I felt that inexplicable pull to go outside and stand there in the rain.  The thought in my head sounded ridiculous.  Why would I want to go outside and get soaked?  But I did.  I wanted to.  So before I knew it, I was opening the front door and stepping out into the pouring rain.   

I wandered out onto the path, moving away from the cover of trees right out into the open.  The neighbours probably thought I had gone insane.  In my head I knew I was being stupid, standing out there, purposely getting wet.  But somehow I was loving it and dancing around it in.  I felt so unbelievably alive, happy and completely at peace.     

I’m not an at one with nature person or especially into the environment.  I’m not someone who has raptures over scenery and I don’t see the point in walking up hills and dales for a view.  You only have to walk back down again.  

Why I suddenly had the urge to go outside in the rain last night I don’t know.  But it made me inexplicably happy and that is really all that counts.

Does the rain ever lure you in?

4 Tips To Have A Challenging Conversation With Your Partner

There will always be conversations that are hard to initiate. Those topics that couples usually don't talk about just to avoid being in a heated argument. Or perhaps, you are afraid to talk how you feel to your partner because it might make things worse. You feel stuck, and you do not know how to do it.

No matter how worse things might get, it is still better that you and your partner get to have a proper conversation. This way, both of you does not have to carry a burden in your hearts, and also to resolve any issues.

If you are having a hard time to do this, here are 4 tips to having a challenging conversation with your partner.

1. Choose the right time to talk.

This is the most important thing to consider if you want to engage in a challenging conversation with your partner. Try to choose a time where it both suits you. Do not just open a topic the moment they walk into the room after an exhausting day at work. Choose a moment where both of you are at your best. Try to ask them if it is the right time for the both of you to have a conversation. It is extremely important that both of you have the willingness to engage in a challenging conversation. Otherwise, find a better time.

2. Listen if your partner is talking.

A great conversation happens when the two people respect each other. And with that, it means that you give your partner a chance to talk. Be open and listen to your partner has to say in order to have a better conversation. Resist yourself from interrupting. Let them finish what they have to say, and do not stop them at mid-sentence.

3. Make your partner understand how important it is to have this specific conversation.

A lot of couples tend to forget on making their partners understand why they have to have to talk about some things. It is important that you let them know that talking things out can help both of you feel better emotionally and even physically. For instance, you may be worried about your sexual health, and you want you and your partner to get tested for STD or STI. Asking your partner to get tested can be extremely difficult because it is a touchy matter. This can be a very challenging topic to acknowledge, but if you can let them know how important it is, you will have a greater chance at having this conversation. However, it is important that you find out more about this certain topic before you open up to your partner.

4. Do not accuse.

Accusations can definitely kill a conversation. Try to keep the problem at hand by focusing on the main issue, and avoid accusing. This means that you also need to avoid bringing up ancient issues even it is related to your issue now. Stay on track and be level-headed. Do not do the blame game.

* Collaborative Piece