Exorcising The Ghosts Of Relationships Past

* Long read - you were warned!

Hello there!  It has been sooooooo long since I have written a personal post.  So long since the words have floated around in my head until I had no choice but to filter them down through my fingers on to the page.

As ever, I can articulate so much better when the words flow through my fingers as I type; but tonight is the first time in a long time that the words have danced, demanding to be set free.

So what am I talking about tonight?  The ghosts of past relationships as a fat, insecure woman.

Looking back at past experiences with men in my life is hard for me to remember.  The experience that I have had with relationships is little, the heartache, a lot.  I have been hidden, I have been put up with; I have been the dirty secret and the one that was so nearly "the one", had it not been for my body.

What I have come to realise over the past few months is that although I have been treated badly in the past, I have allowed this to happen to me.  When society and your peers tells you that as a fat woman, you are not good enough, eventually you believe it yourself. So you overcompensate.

When the #MeToo movement was starting to take shape, I shared some of my own experiences of what happened to me in the past.  I was a fat teenager, but I knew that the actions of those that touched and grabbed at me were wrong.  I knew that the words said to me were unacceptable.

I railed against them, but my words were ignored; my experiences were explained away,  when telling others as "wear a baggier school shirt" (I never wore a tight shirt by the by).  "You have large breasts, what can you expect" (erm basic respect?).  A look up and down at my body and a "you should be grateful for the attention" (fuck you).  A  particular teacher comes to mind.

Those last words shaped me and the experiences that I have had with men for a long time.  Not just from them, but people close to me.  That same message. Be grateful.   Take what you can get because you are fat.

So I allowed transgressions to happen to me because, maybe, I should be grateful.  I allowed myself to be hidden because who wants to have a fat girl as a girlfriend, right? Be happy that he likes you in private.

My love life up until this point has been a car crash, with me shaving off pieces of myself and handing them over on a plate trying to find that love, that attraction; so that someone, sometime will think that I am good enough for them.  That I deserve more than to be hidden or been embarrassed by.

The problem with shaving pieces off yourself is that eventually, you start to forget who you really are. When you give so much of yourself away each time with no return, you lose a piece of yourself.

Society and other elements made me feel like I was not good enough.  It is only now that I look back and realise that, as Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently put:

No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent

I have always avoided men that found the larger woman attractive.  I did not understand how they could think of me as more than a fetish.  I had no clue or realisation that someone could actually find me attractive, sexy.

As I type right now, I am dating someone.  We met through Tinder, on my first couple of days when I thought that I would give it a whirl.  We have been dating a few months now.  I will call him A.

With A for the first couple of months I found myself in the same familiar cycle.  The insecurities.  The wondering if he really did find me attractive.  The fear when he said that he liked larger women.  Was I just a fetish?

When you have spent the whole of your adult life with your body as the compromise, it is hard to believe that someone can be turned on by your body.

The thing is, he makes me feel sexy.  I no longer feel like that I need to give so much of myself to overcompensate for my body.  He is attracted to my body and, for the first time in my life; I believe it.

So as these new experiences wash over me, I realise that I am in no rush.  I don't feel the need to be his girlfriend.  I don't have the craving for commitment and am in no rush.  We may progress, we may not.  But I am enjoying dating someone and just, for once, having fun.  The pressure to hand myself, my heart over on a plate is no longer there.

I have no idea what will happen with myself and A.  We may date for a while and it may fizzle out.  It  may progress.  Who knows?  But what I do know is that I can be myself.  I can be goofy.  I can be silly.  Turns out, I am a bit of a tease too, which amuses me endlessly.  I can feel attractive and know that he is attracted to me.  I don't hold back on what I think or who I am.  I may even let him read something that I have written, maybe.

I feel good enough for someone now.  It is a lesson that I had to learn for myself.  If nothing else happens between A and I, that feeling will stay with me.   This thing we have is 50/50.  We are figuring each other out, having fun, enjoying each other without pressure.  I no longer feel, as I have done every other time, like I am on an audition.

We are on a dance and who knows whether it will end or whether we will continue to dance.  All I know is that the pieces of myself that I gave away are coming back to me and it feels amazing.  The parts of me I gave away, I am taking them back.  I have owned who I am for years now.  Now I own what I look like, imperfections, perceived or otherwise; and all.

He has given me the confidence in my body it is true and that won't go whatever happens, but my self worth, I finally took that back for myself.

The dating experience I am having now, I should have had so long ago.  It is only now that I realise that this is what I always deserved.  What has happened before I let happen.   That is on me.  What happens now?  Who knows.  But I sure am enjoying the experience.

5 Things to Do to Deal with a Flight Cancellation

It's easy to feel yourself tumbling into a state of panic when you hear those horrifying words at the airport, "Flight Cancelled." After all, whether you're on your way to a family holiday, or you're waiting to get home after a long trip, no-one likes to spend unnecessary hours waiting around for someone to tell them that they can finally board. 

1.     Know Your Compensation Rights

2.     Do Your Homework 

3.     Book Flights with Care

4.     Prep for Each Flight 

5.     Manage the Crisis with Care

Although there's a good chance that you'll be able to get some compensation for your troubles if the flight your taking is from or to somewhere in the EU, that might not make you feel a lot better straight away. On the other hand, the following steps could ensure that you feel confident and empowered the next time you find yourself in a travel-related bind.

As mentioned above, if you're flying within the EU, then the good news is that you do have some rights when it comes to compensation. Although the amount of support you're entitled to can vary depending on who you fly with, you should be eligible for something if your flight is cancelled or delayed for a period of three hours or more.

Importantly, you will only be eligible for compensation if the reason or your flight cancellation was under the control of the airline. In other words, you might not get anything if you're grounded because of a bad weather condition or something similar.

Before you even book your flight, there are steps you can take to reduce your risk of a travel disaster. For instance, you can research the cancelled-flight and on-time-arrival records for your chosen airlines. Though this won't tell you for certain whether your flight will be cancelled or not, it can at least help you to choose someone to fly with who has a good history.

At the same time, it's worth looking into other airports close-by that you may be able to drive to if they can offer you a flight in the case of an emergency. The more research you do before your flight date arrives, the more likely you are to be ready for anything when disaster strikes.

Another thing you can do to reduce your risk of a flight cancellation is make sure that you book your travel plans with care. For instance, although it can be much cheaper to pay for a connect-flight, you'll be much better off with a direct trip if you do happen to be hit by a delay or cancellation. The more connections you have, the more risk you have of facing a problem.

At the same time, it's a good idea to make sure that you book the first flight of the day whenever you can. Late flights are generally more likely to suffer from compounded issues caused by backlogs throughout the day.

Prepping for your flights will help you to ensure that you have a very limited risk of encountering any unforeseen problems. For instance, when you book your trip, you can sign up for flight alerts to be sent straight to your phone whenever there's the chance that something could go wrong. You can also download the airline's app if they have one to keep an eye on your plane.

Another way to make sure that you're prepped for your flight is to check the weather in both your starting and finishing destinations. Watch out for any storms that might be coming your way, and make sure that you pack a carry-on, rather than taking all of your luggage in a large suitcase if you can manage it. If you can move quickly after a flight cancellation, you could be one of the first people to get a seat with another airline.

Finally, as soon as you hear about a delay or cancellation, start taking steps to fix the issue. Speak to a customer service agent on the phone or on social media instead of waiting in a huge line. Alternatively, you can try connecting with someone over your app.

Remember, whatever happens, it's important to be polite. It's probably not the airline employee's fault that something went wrong with your travel plans. The best thing you can do is treat these people with care and respect, as that will make it more likely that they'll want to go above and beyond to help you. However, make sure that you do keep a note of their name so you can refer to it later in discussions about compensation.

Debenham's MUA Masterclass

Last Sunday I had the pleasure of being invited to a Celebrity MUA Masterclass arranged by Debenhams with Amy's Makeup Box

Having never been to a makeup masterclass before, especially with a Youtube blogger with over 400,000 followers, I was more than a little nervous and unsure what to expect.

The event started with an introduction at 10.30 and we were greeted with muffins (always a good start!) and refreshments.  Amy was immediately lovely.  Friendly, chatty and open to any questions that we had throughout the day, she immediately put everyone at ease.  Amy was also more than happy to share her experiences of how she became an MUA and gave some great tips and advice of how to progress/start your career as a MUA and what you could expect.

We were shown how to do 2 looks over the course of the day, a bridal look and a glam look.  Amy told us what product and brush that she was using at each step, also suggesting alternatives and giving lots of tips along the way.  

I definately learned some great tips throughout the day, including a fool proof way of how to keep your eyebrows perfect all day with a great tip when applying pomade.  Check out Amy's Youtube channel (link above) to find out how!

I particularly loved the bridal look and thought that the model looked beautiful.  Gorgeous makeup without being overdone and was definately a look that I would re-create.

We broke for a lovely lunch of sandwiches and an array of cakes before getting into the second look, full on glamour.

I would not hesitate to recommend attending an future celebrity MUA masterclass. The whole day was wonderfully organised and we were made to feel very welcome.  I have started using some of the tips and tricks I picked up on the day in my makeup routine, particularly in terms of preparation and longevity.  

We were also gifted a wonderful goody bag of products supplied by Debenhams featuring Benefit, Dolls Beauty and Urban Decay which was a real treat.

If you see another event organised, particularly with the lovely Amy, go!  I would definately repeat the experience and pick up even more tips!

* The ticket for the event was gifted to me, but all opinions are my own, as always!