Fighting Depression

I sometimes compare having depression to being a boxer, fighting in a ring.

Both you and the black dog are in a dance, with you trying to repel the quick jabs and the hard punches.  You duck and dance and deflect and sometimes manage to get a punch in there yourself too.  Some fights you will win, some you will be defeated.  That match is done and the next day you will get up, shake yourself off and fight once again.  

Just like boxing, depression is not a team sport and you are in the ring alone.  No one else can fight for you and your opponent is invisible to everyone but yourself.



Each morning you wake up and find out whether you have a normal day ahead of you, or a fight.  At the back of your mind you hope that one day, it is not a fight to the death.

Image from Unsplash

The things that I have heard people say about those of us who have depression disgust me.



I am not weak.  I am not lazy.  I am not as someone once said to me "wallowing in self pity".  I am strong.  Stronger than they are.  I would challenge anyone who thinks that depression is easy to spend some time in our shoes.



Unless you have had depression, you will never really know just how bad it can get.  How sometimes it feels like your soul is dying and your heart is shattering into a million pieces.  It takes a lot of strength to just get out of bed some days.  But we do.  We get up, we go to work and we hide the monsters that are attacking us just beneath the surface.

I started another battle with the dog today.  Everything I have done so far today has taken effort and strength.  All I want, and still want while I write this post, is to go home, hide under duvet and binge watch Bob Ross.  But instead, I reminded myself of what I have accomplished so far today, with each step a punch, however tiny, against the black dog who seeks to hold me down.



I dragged myself out of bed                  Punch!



I got myself dressed                                 Punch!



I left the house and got on the bus                     Punch! 



I went to work and spoke to client                         Punch! Punch!



I had a telephone conference and put my points across        Punch! Punch! Punch!



I am writing to you now                The black dog starts to back away a little



That sounds like a very normal day and indeed it is, there is nothing special about it at all.  But accomplishing even the smallest step feels impossible when depression hits and your tears are only a blink away.  Everything takes effort and will.



Some days, you know that there is no fight in you.  Not even the smallest steps are possible.  That is ok.  It takes as much strength to admit defeat when you need to, as it does to come out punching.  Even when the day is a loss and I feel like I have slipped down into a deep, black pit with that bloody dog standing at the top, snarling at me; I am silently picking myself up, inch by inch, for the next day.



I have spoken about how having depression is like being a boxer in a ring.  It also involves being an actress.  Whilst I am able the majority of time to have a normal day, go to work and converse with people, the symptoms of my depression are being held back by me, just under the surface.



My smile may not reach my eyes, but I am able to get through a day without anyone noticing that there is anything wrong.  (I do not recommend this to anyone, it isn't healthy.  But it is my way, for now).



Tears are either supressed or fit into time slots when no one else will notice.  I switch off my heart so the heartbreak I feel doesn't show whilst I speak to a client or a colleague.  How do you switch off your heart?   Practice.  Years of practice.  You are however turning yourself into a walking stone, for essentially other people's benefit.



I will finish my working day.  I will go home and allow myself to feel again.  The duvet will come into play while I recharge.  The gentle tones of Bob Ross will sooth my soul.  Tomorrow, if the black dog has stuck around, I will do all this again.



Tell me I am not strong.

When Did The Liberal Left Turn Into a Woke Cult?

Indoctrination can be achieved in many different ways.  From the drip drip method that is barely even noticeable, to utter submersion.



When I was a child, I went to a religious primary school where the local vicar was a regular visitor.  I was told that I was a Christian before I even knew what or who a Christian was.  Religion was dripped into my forming mind with prayers three times a day and hymns at morning assembly.



At that age I just did what I was told, believing that that was just the way things were.  I was not old enough to realise that I choose to have a religion or not.  I could choose a different mindset, a different path.

Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash

Religion and I collided a few years later and we went our separate ways.



Religion can be many things for many people. A hub to the local community, an enrichment to people's lives, or simply just a comfort or safety net that some need or want.  It can be part of who someone fundamentally is and can form the basis of their moral code, their bench mark for right and wrong.



But religion can also be escalated to cult level, making you condone things you never would before.  Do things that you would never do.  It is also the perfect excuse to control people and has been used in this way for centuries.  Blind faith can be dangerous.



Religion has been a very useful tool for the subjugation of women.  It is, to quote one example, what allowed, arranged and condoned thousands of young girls and women to be locked away in the Magadelene Laundries in Ireland for the crime of having a baby, for being presumed "promiscuous", or simply in some cases; being too pretty.



It is why women were told that their place was in the home and the man's place was head of the household, and her.  "It is written in the bible Susan, don't you want to obey the word of God?"

"Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. 

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the 

head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 

As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything 

to their husbands” (Eph. 5:22–24)."

Blind faith is how monsters are not only made, but how they can flourish in plain sight.



So where and why does this fit into what I wanted to talk about today?  Because blind faith is not just about religion.   It can be about any movement, group, shared belief system.



When I began to become interested in politics and feminism, the left side of politics seemed like the perfect fit for me.   The "morally right"  The good.  The just. There was a general assumption that the liberal position was the good and anything to the right was wrong.  There was only one choice for me, clearly.



So too with feminism.   I wanted rights and equality for women.  As I learned about feminism I also educated myself about intersectional feminism, named to include woman of all races, ethnicities, class, culture, age etc.  I wanted that.



So there I was, a left leaning intersectional feminist when one day, I saw a man winning a women's cycling competition. A man who identified as a woman but not only identified, said he was an actual, biological woman.



From there my fall down the rabbit hole was swift.  Suddenly, a man with a beard who wore skirts and had decided he was a lesbian, was a real woman.  One who went into schools for Stonewall teaching children they could be born in the wrong body.  Listen to Magdelen Burns about that one.

Lesbians who didn't accept "lady dick" were transphobic.

Talking about being pregnant and giving birth was transphobic because it didn't include transwomen.  Having a women only group on Facebook talking about menopause was transphobic.  Men's mental health groups were disbanded because they would not include transmen.  Women meeting to discuss women's rights were transphobic.  Refuges should accept transwomen, or they would lose their funding (again this year too).  I could go on and on and on and on.



Every FUCKING thing that did not place men identifying as women front and centre, became transphobic.



We were told that words were actual violence.  That we were killing people by saying the immutable fact that you cannot change sex.  A woman lost her job for saying this.  Told that her views were "not worthy of respect in a democratic society".



Children as young as FOUR being referred to a gender clinic.  Teenagers being prescribed puberty blockers like they were sweets.  4500% rise in referrals to Tavistock.  Three quarters of those being girls.



The rabbit hole is so deep you could drown in it.



The world went mad before our eyes.  Yet people, including myself, who questioned this idealogy, were called bigots.  That anything other than the ultra left view was right wing. We were not worthy of being called feminists.  We were TERFs.  What the ACTUAL FUCK???



Where did the left go so wrong, so fast?  Moreover, why the hell have so many fallen for the indoctrination?  Why are doctors now scared to question if a child is transgender?  Why have politicians fallen hook, line and sinker for this?  Lisa Nandy saying that transwomen who rape women belong in women's prisons because they identify as women.  This article goes a long way to explain that.



So where do liberal feminist women who have been thrown out of the left, thrown out of what is now called feminism do?  We fight.

We organise.  We educate.  We agitate.

A New Lease of Life

Whether you live in a city, town, village or hamlet; transport and how we get from A to B is something that affects us all.

In our every day lives, transport is something that has to be factored into nearly every decision we make.  Where our children will go to school and how to get them there.  How long our commute to work will take and whether the same is more cost and time efficient in a car, train or bus.  Whether that night out is really worth it, when you will be spending £40 on taxis.

Roman Fox

For the past ten years I have been using public transport and taxis to carry out both my commute and my every day/social life. 

I want my own space back.  A simple journey to the shops that does not take an hour and two buses, but takes ten minutes.  I don't want to wait at a freezing cold bus stop, for a bus that frequently does not come.   I want to go to the cinema knowing that I haven't spent more on transport than the ticket.

I want to put down the pedal down on my own metal.

I want a car.  But, what I don't want is a long term commitment or to be fixed in financially for five years.  What I do want is a good, new or nearly new reliable car that will keep me safe, keep me in comfort and not an old banger like I used to drive.  So what to do?

Malte Wingen

There are many different options when it comes to buying, hiring or leasing a car and I have looked at all of them.  As I said, I don't want to be committed for years on a large payment, nor do I want to hire, which seems expensive and without the added benefits of leasing where you can get maintenance in with your contract.

Deciding to look at more high spec cars, again with safety in mind, I looked at The Best Volvo Lease Deals and did a comparison of how much I would pay over a 36 month period with leasing versus hire.

I specifically looked at the Volvo S90 T4 Momentum Plus as being a good combination of the great safety record of Volvo, with a sleek elegant look and a good engine size for the speed that I love.  Safely first of course!

The figures came out at over £2,600 less money paid by leasing the vehicle versus hiring it over the same 36 month period.  

This particular vehicle is worth over £38,000.00.  Looking at a cheaper vehicle for additional comparison, I looked at the Nissan Micra 1.0 PS117 N-Sport which is approximately £17,000.00.

The saving still worked out comparing leasing over hiring.  Looking again at the same 36 month contract, with 10000 miles allowed, the saving was over £1,100.00.

In summary, if you do not want to get tied into a long contract to buy a vehicle and want to see what is best option of leasing versus hiring, leasing is the cheaper option and also, allows you to add maintenance into the contract.

Now to look at what vehicle I want to lease!